So I dont know what's going on,I cant let out what I'm feeling,maybe this is the reason I'm writing this on a paper,I think I'm going crazy,I dont know what I really want.
I want to be all alone for months watching my series,movies,playing computer games, listening to songs,reading books,maybe novels however I dont like novels that much,complete the list of online courses that I always wanted to learn.
On the other hand I want to be with my beloved friends,Despite having hundreds of them I just need 3,since the 4th is missing...maybe here's the problem,Did I even believed that this happened for a straight 10 minutes?
I dont think so,where's the problem? That ma main brother died or that I'm afraid to give myself some time to figure out that this really happened.
Returning to my old bad habits like smoking,and by smoking I mean smoking like a chimney.Afraid to be diagnosed by lung cancer for almost 2 months now,Do I even care about living?
As a nightmare with no end,no matter how much I laugh or hangout,deep inside I'm drowning like shailene woodley said in the fault in our stars "slowly,and then all at once"
What's the point of trying to escape the fact that he wont be with us again,being afraid isnt an enough reason cuz sooner or later I wont be able to.
To me,It's an indirect reason but I also know that there is no other reasons,I think that no one really can understand the meaning of depression,like come on I know that it shall pass,it will eventually anyways,but till it pass I'm just living sad moments.
I'm feeling desperate,miserable,lonely even if I'm 100% sure that I'm not lonely,and I'm surrounded with real people the best you could ever have and I'm really thankful for having them,dont say nothing deserves for god's sake cuz this wont change anything and you fucking know it.
He was the only one that really understood depression,always knew how to cheer me up and he never failed doing it.
Why am I up for all these hours,Are people curious to know or they really care?
Maybe if I cried it will feel better,but I try to the point that I'm forcing it and it dont happen.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how I'm feeling miserable?
I would say a fucking hundred.
When will people understand that when I'm sad I wont be searching for fucking solutions,I just want to let it out.
I hate unintentional actions like,why am I sleeping on my room's carpet instead of the bed,why am I doing things that has no explanation,why do I look for too long to the (chairs,floor,people,street,anything) while thinking about NOTHING.