I've been trying to write a post for about a month now. I just can't find anything truly positive, entertaining or informational to really sink my teeth into. Oh sure I have no shortage if interests and subject matters which to write about, it's that my head and heart haven't been into it.

In case you haven't kept up, my best friend, business partner, podcast cohost and fellow content creator, @samrisso, had his life taken tragically and suddenly just over a month ago in a senseless act of violence. He was 31 years old, about to be engaged and had just bought his first house. After a long bout of drug addiction and incarceration, he was almost five years into recovery and experiencing a rapid ascend through the ranks of young millionaire entrepreneurs. And, not only was he wildly successful in business, he used his own assets and resources to do outreach and support many of his peers suffering from addiction, mental illness and homelessness. He had a heart the size of the observable universe.

Sam would often introduce me to new friends and cohorts and explain to them how when he was first attempting to get clean and turn his life around, I offered him my home and all the help I could. I recall extending the offer, I cannot say for sure that I was all that much help at the time. Perhaps it was simply my influence which helped him find his own way, and that he did.

At the time, I was knee deep in a four year college degree while raising my two kids and pursuing a career as a DJ and content creator. I was writing a lot and making my way towards being a journalist. Sam was very intrigued by how well things were going for me and how much someone like me, who had also been in and out of jail and battled with heavy substance use and many demons, could have so much success in an academic setting. He watched me work with politicians, legislators, mental health professionals and advocates on every level of the social services safety net and, I didn't know it at the time, but it is almost exactly the direction he would be headed in just a few years time. The biggest difference is that he became successful in business so that he could afford to give back to the community rather than rely on scholarships, grants, donations and handouts. And once he saw the very early stages of his monetary growth he invited me to ride his coattails and do the same. I agreed, and in October of 2019 my family and I packed our few belongings and moved to Florida just minutes from Sam's home and one of his offices.

At first, he hired me fulltime to work a desk job. Once we were settled, we came up with a multifaceted game plan to make money, create content, further our educations and help people whose struggles we could understand and relate to. We had the knowhow and the resources and he had the business savvy and connections to fund it all. And even though I was technically a low lever grunt worker, he made sure my family was very comfortable and in a very short time was able to create an opportunity for me to become a business owner and entrepreneur myself. And even when the pandemic slowed things way down and caused some hiccups, he made sure I at least had a paycheck each week and continued to facilitate my path towards financial independence.

Nothing was ever perfect, nor did we ever expect it to be. I had my fair share of issues to still work through and his business dealings certainly presented their ups and downs. Nonetheless, we kept chipping away at our goals. We had this pissing contest going over our content creation. It was a friendly bit of competition which drove each of us to keep doing better. I taught him all about Hive and Steemit and the decentralized web, he mastered mainstream social media and online marketing and taught me just about everything he knew. I was building an off-grid mobile content creation suite out of a 4x8 trailer, he took the body off of a bus and turned it into a multimedia suite for his fiancé, liz.writes and placed it on a trailer bed in the backyard of their new home. I wrote for some news media outlets and published blogs and podcasts, he wrote a children's book for the children of addicts and drew an impressive amount of followers on Instagram and TikTok. I hadn't felt this close to and inspired by someone in a very long time. We had a mutual fondness for one and other. He and I could trust eachother with large sums of money unlike many other people we knew. And I knew that if something were ever to happen to me and my wife, Mary, our children would be in great hands.

At the time of his passing he and I had been engaged in a business marketing durable medical equipment and brokering telemarketing deals five days a week. For a while the money was flowing. Several months ago we encountered some snafus which caused one of his income streams to slowdown, a very normal occurrence for anyone in the world of entrepreneurship. Fortunately, he had multiple revenue streams and investments which helped to keep him afloat. And with that, he managed to keep me and a few others afloat while things were ironed out.

Now comes the brutally honest part about all of this and what it means for me and my family now and moving forward. Sam's death came as a shock to me. Actually, shock is not even the right word, it does no justice to how I felt the moment I learned of the tragic incident that took my friend's life. I spent two days attending his viewing and burial with his closest family, friends and cohorts. I spent the rest of that weekend giving myself a break from the deep grief and emptiness which was quickly wearing me down. That Monday I though I could pull myself together and get back to work. The medical office Sam had licensed to bill insurance companies, which my company did marketing for, was not in operation due an audit. That office was not going to be back in business. Sam and I did all of our business on the honor system with verbal agreements and handshakes and hugs. It is a system that worked well for us.

A few weeks before Sam's tragic passing, he was helping cover my overhead knowing that things would soon work out. We were waiting on some paperwork and some wheeling and dealing to be done. He paid my family's internet bill and was working on getting a new office for me to work out of to build the new business I was developing. Mary and I were hustling organic veggies on the side and he overpaid for a few squash and some tomatoes on purpose. I'm certain that if I had resorted to selling drugs he would've bought some and gotten rid of them just to help me out. That's just the kind of person he was. There was a little money owed to us from another medical office we worked with when Sam died that we both agreed to write off thinking the guy had jerked us. It had been months of waiting. Would you believe the day of his viewing the wire transfer came through? And that is the last time I saw a check. I've been doing my damnedest to wheel and deal and set up some new income streams with another one of his former partners whom I trust. So far it looks promising but these things take time and patience.

Mary and I managed to scrape by this past month with what little money was left in the bank. It's been a real struggle. On top of trying to keep my shit together and scramble to make a living I've also had to deal with so many emotions. I've not had an easy life and have certainly experienced my fair share of losses, never anything as hard hitting as this. I've not shared much about it until now because my mind and heart have gone through all of the ups and downs and confusing emotional rollercoaster. At first I began to feel selfish; here I am making it about me when it is he who was killed in such a dramatic manner and his fiancé, Liz, who now falls asleep and wakes up alone each day as well as his dog, Baby, who obviously misses his owner who went out for coffee one day never to return home. It is frustrating to say the least. Society doesn't allow time and space enough for mourning and grieving. Especially when one has a family dependent on them for survival. I haven't felt well, I've been in deep distress and the stress is causing physical pain to manifest. I am constantly on the brink of crying and wanting to give up on everything, but I know that wouldn't only make things worse. Somehow, I must keep going, I just honestly don't know how. I know yoga, mindfulness, EFT, taking long walks, calling or messaging friends. I have gotten involved with a local community development group and I have told Liz that I am willing to devote as much of my time and efforts as I can afford to helping her launch the Sam Risso Foundation. I invited her and her partner, Anya, on my podcast on @msp-waves to talk about the foundation next week. I will tell you more about this in the preshow post as we get closer to the date.