Changing your personality and shedding your ego is a sign of love and will help you grow as a person.
Would you be willing to change your personality to suit your partner better? Most people would answer with a resounding “no.” We like to think of ourselves as unique, and anyone who wants to “change” us clearly isn’t someone who should stick around.
However, to succeed as a couple, a partnership needs to address weaknesses. In fact, it’s the best thing that you can do for a relationship.
Being willing to make changes in your life is a way of showing your love for your partner.
As we’ve discovered, we’re all trying to fulfill our childhood needs. So by meeting your partner’s requests, such as being a tidier person at home, you're fulfilling your partner’s childhood needs and showing your partner the love they crave.
Making changes to suit your partner of course doesn’t mean you need to become a completely different person! Rather, a readiness to make a change, like being more emotionally supportive, is what’s important. The fact that you make an effort is the best sign of love for a partner.
There are other benefits, too. Working to change your personality can help you shed egotistical behaviors. In doing so, you may begin to feel universal brotherly love, known as agape. But first your ego must “die” so you can feel compassionate toward every person.
However, the ego won’t disappear if you don’t change. And change is scary, as it can seem as if you’re losing your personality. There’s no need to be afraid though; it’s not a real death you’re experiencing, but simply the death of your ego.
By ridding yourself of your ego and opening to the emotional needs of others, your unconditional love for your partner and humanity can begin to grow.
Also getting angry from time to time is an inevitable part of life. However, when anger turns to rage it can be hurtful to a partner and harmful to a relationship.
One way to avoid this is to use container transactions, which help you harmlessly express anger.
The listening techniques of mirroring, validating and empathizing are all a kind of container transaction. By practicing such techniques, we give a partner the chance to express anger in a controlled environment.
For example, when a partner complains and we empathize instead of fighting back, we help the partner make a container transaction. This subdues the anger by allowing the partner to express it.
Another way to use container transactions is by practicing core-scene therapy.
This approach involves taking harmful arguments and finding ways to rewrite them. It can be especially useful for couples caught in a loop, arguing over the same issues over and over again.
We are all children seeking to heal old wounds. Once you realize this, you can redesign your relationships to help each other, turning a flagging romance into a marriage built on growth and fulfillment. As you change, you’ll begin to understand the power of universal brotherly love and become healers for each other.
