What was the most embarrassing moment in front of your newly married spouse?

Well, we weren’t married, but we lived together.

One night, after having sex, I got out of bed to get something to drink. Not wanting to walk around naked, I grabbed what I thought was my underwear off the floor, and attempted to pull them on. The lights were off, but even in the dark, I could tell something wasn’t right. However, I was in post-coital derp mode. My brain was taking a break, and was no help figuring out why I couldn’t get my drawers up.

I thought, “Maybe I stepped into the leghole instead of the waist?” I gave them a final tug, and I heard fabric popping as my bits were finally encased in protective fabric. Very tightly encased in very silky fabric.

I thought to myself “My balls don’t feel right”, and said “…the fuck?” out loud. My girlfriend, wanting to know what was going on, reached over and turned on the bedside lamp. We both blinked and stared at each other for a second before we both looked down to see that I had managed to squeeze into her panties. I’ll spare you the graphic version, but suffice to say my balls were split down the middle, squeezed out of the legholes and looked something like…

We made awful eye contact, and my razor sharp wit kicked in. I took a breath and said, “Uuuuuhhh…”

She laughed.

A lot.

She laughed until she got the hiccups.

She called the cat and the dog into the room to laugh with her.

I stood there with my face turning a shade of reddish purple while my girlfriend pointed and laughed. Finally, I just walked down the hallway to the kitchen, got myself a Coke and drank it while she continued to laugh from the bedroom. I struck a pose and tried to own it. She kept laughing until she got the hiccups.

She came out to the kitchen and made a few jokes, and eventually we headed back to bed. Still chuckling, she said, “You are gonna take my panties off before we go to bed, aren’t you?”

“I dunno, I kinda feel sexy now.” was the best I could come up with.

Quick postscript to this story: A week later, her mom was visiting. My girlfriend was folding laundry, and she blurted out, “Hey, here’s that pair of panties you stretched out!”

Her mom gave me a “The fuck kinda weird shit are you into?” look. I made an excuse to be elsewhere before I had to hear the laughter again.