Who am I? That seems such a simple question and yet it is nearly impossible to answer. I am not done becoming me yet, how can I know who I am?! 🤷🏼
Allow me to tell you a little about what I do, maybe even how I think, perhaps together we can get a sense of who I am.
I write. Like most people breathe, I write. Poetry, lyrics, political commentary, investigations and research, humor... it all rolls around in my head and wants out. I am a complete word nerd, winning spelling bees and essay competitions and such as a child on a regular basis. I am good enough at Scrabble that people won't play me any more, I have to play the computer. I have an internet buddy who invented a new word game - Scrabble on steroids. There are very few people who even play it and if you do not know which boards to use I will just eat you alive there, too. I usually just play the bot. People occasionally challenge me but quit after two or three plays and I am already just pounding them. I do not dumb down my game for adults. The game / website is anadro.me if there are any word nerds out there who want to give it a try. I like crosswords, but now they are all about pop culture and I don't do pop culture. I have no idea what is even on TV any more, or what is playing at the theater and have probably never heard of the star. I take great pride in that ignorance, but it leaves me drawing a blank on most crossword clues.
I have an adventurous soul. One of my former friends from grade school is now a former friend because she once called me a liar about my life. She is a timid little thing, and just could not believe that I live the amazing life I do. I did not bother to show her my photos. What do you say to someone who just calls you a liar about your entire life? (I say "Goodbye.") The truth is, I go whitewater canoeing, kayaking and rafting:
I was an early follower of Thundebolts Project and Suspicious0bserver. I play piano and guitar. I sing with the Whoville choir. I roast my own organic, fair trade coffee. I drink, swear, cuss and pray. I walk the red road like a white girl. I love rockhounding and I do lapidary work on some of my finds. I seek and develop innovations in gardening, I helped make home fodder growing a "thing" and was among the first people on youtube promoting aquaponics. I have a cow for a therapy dog. I once ran the largest ophthalmology clinic in Idaho. Now I have been officially diagnosed as crazy as shit. SSRI's nearly killed me and left me with some sort of adrenal damage. Officially, I suffer an "anxiety disorder" that leaves me with very, very few real friends. Most people are willing to be nice to me, willing to take whatever I am willing to give, but when I have an anxiety attack people who claim to be my friend do things like call me a crazy bitch to my face... then I just don't consider that person a friend any more. I continue to try to be kind and giving, but I have learned to love people the best I can with no expectation they will even like me. There is a funny thing about being diagnosed... everyone can blame all tension in a relationship on my crazy, no one has to own their own shit or apologize to me about anything. If I am upset with them, it is because I am crazy not because they did something like call me a crazy bitch when I was already hurting... 🤦
It is OK, I have a few people who are tried and true lifelong friends, that is more than many people have. Plus, the Universe gave me the most amazing husband on the planet, and on the occasion that I get too lonely I just remember what Jackson Browne said...
Anyway that's how it seems, it's hard to tell
Maybe people only ask you how you're doing
'Cause that's easier than letting on how little they could care
But when you know that you've got a real friend somewhere
Suddenly all the others are so much easier to bear"
OK, did anyone really read all that?! I did not mean to get into all that, it just sort of poured out. That is either the world's longest introduction or the world's shortest autobiography... LOL!
THANK YOU @steemusa for the inspiration. I blew my "introduceyourself" post, so this was fun to do! Go here to get involved!
https://steemit.com/steemusagame/@steemusa/calling-all-steemusa-members-it-s-game-time
This post is absolutely amazing for a lot of things first that game looks totally bad ass and would give it a shot! If ever I get any good at it I will get back and challenge you and even if I get pounded to oblivion it is ok because you only get better by challenging people who are better than you.
Next I agree that toxic and non supportive people should be just chucked away and forgotten. You don't need that. Life is already hard why put roadblocks to yourself.
It takes a lot of open up and say that you have anxiety attack disorder. I know a person that also has it and I just try to be there no matter what.
You have an amazing and smart husband who seriously loves you and you look like you have lived a full life without regrets.
Keep being amazing and without the feeling the need to apologize or explain yourself.
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That was so kind, thank you! And you get my big whopping 100% vote for being there for your friend WHEN THEY NEED IT MOST. As long as all is well with me, everybody is my buddy but the handful who are good to me when I am struggling... those people are my guardian angels without wings and indeed, my husband is the most stalwart of my angels. Have a LOVELY day!
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It took some courage to spill all the beans here, @fishyculture. I do understand where you are coming from. Having a higher IQ than most comes with its own set of problems. You are not crazy. Just because you have anxiety issues, makes you no different than someone who has diabetes. It is an illness. Not a death sentence. And those who call you names and treat you badly when you need comfort are the ones who are missing out on a chance to be friends with a wonderful person, and it is they who are not worthy of your friendship. Hang in there. You have a friend in me.
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Thank you. The simple reality of being me is that people will find out about my "illness" eventually and I am tired of trying to hide it. It is not really even an "illness" it is the result of a toxic drug reaction. I try to blow the whistle, I have the medical credentials that people ought to heed my warning, but then I also have a "mental illness diagnosis... My whistle barely tweets.
It is funny how people who know what my IQ is will happily ignore everything I say due to the "mental illness" diagnosis... that they write off as me being a bitch!
Thanks for your kind words and friendship. You are truly a gentle, loving presence in my little world and I appreciate that very much!
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We all need friends and the unconditional love that goes with that. I think a lot of people have forgotten what true friendship means.
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Loved this! I feel the same way. 😊
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Somehow, the Universe always makes sure I have what I REALLY need! :)
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I read it all, yeap! And I identify with what you said about diagnosis and people treating you differently. I've seen it working in psychiatry, and I've seen it as a patient myself. Real friends don't treat you shitty because you're not 100%.
"I don't do pop culture. I have no idea what is even on TV any more, or what is playing at the theater and have probably never heard of the star. I take great pride in that ignorance"
Same! And thank you for saying it so well. Exactly me.
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Thanks, drutter! Yeah, you knew me when I was still in pretty bad shape from the SSRIs actually, we have been internet buddies a long time now. One of these days you and MediKaty and longsilver and I will have to get together, I think we would have a grand time!
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Yup you're right again! : D
My doctors think I'm taking twice the SNRI dose that I am. I'm using cannabis to treat most of my pain, PTSD, depression, and insomnia. No more sleeping pill, no more Tylenol, and never any opiates. Hoping to further reduce my dose throughout this year. Far less side effects now!
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💖🍻
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Loved this - and I can totally relate. I've been called crazy more times than I can count, with and without an actual diagnosis.
I have no doubt, had I been born in an earlier day, I would have been burned at the stake. Possibly more than once.
For myself, the diagnosis never felt true, and ultimately I felt the start of that impending downward spiral caused by the the SSRIs, and pulled the plug.
And yes, I know we are not supposed to pull the plug ourselves, but I did so anyway, and let my doctor's office know. And I thank God I did, as I had MANY friends who went through experiences far worse than I, because they felt they didn't have that same freedom.
Which is beyond sad, as we should ALL have the freedom to behave in ways that are true to ourselves.
This above all: to thine OWN self be true.
I have had anxiety attacks, and while they are not currently part of my life, I know first hand how much fun they aren't.
Anyone who has not personally experienced them has NO BUSINESS judging them at all. You have NO idea what you are talking about.
Bottom line, @fishyculture, count me among your friends, because I've been there, and I'll give you space when you need it. As we all do from time to time.
And I know, first hand, that you are NOT your illness, and it is not you. And you are SO much more than it will EVER be. As are we ALL.
Bless you and thank you for posting this. Namaste.
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Bottom line, if that didn't come through in the above, I like you as a person, and have for a while now. And we all deserve to be with people we like and who like us.
Because what else is there? Life is wonderful, and getting better, better and better. ;-)
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Oh, honey, that was so sweet! THANK YOU. There is no way people CAN understand who have not been through it, I get that, but somehow us "crazy" folk have to get some basic respect in this world, or we're going to go nuts... ;) Namaste, dear friend!
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Eh, I've given up on the "real world" ever giving us the respect we deserve . . . they're too wrapped up in their own stuff. Which is fine with me, since I'd rather not deal with them in the first place.
Instead, I'd rather surround myself with fellow "crazy folk," who KNOW what we're talking about, and know better than to put any stock into what comes out of the mainstream.
They're the real crazy ones; not us. ;-)
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👍“It is No Measure of Health to Be Well Adjusted to a Profoundly Sick Society” - Krishnamurti
My mantra...
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Well if you feel you blew your first intro post you did a great job the second time around! and yes at least 1 person read that start to finish.
Would love to know more about what you husband built in the future if you are willing to share. I'm always interested in how you can stretch the mileage of a car. Wonder if the battery drain could be offset with a trickle charger to make sure each day you started off fully charged.
Between scuba diving and that sailboat I bet your retirement will be a blast. Hope you reach that point with enough time to truly enjoy yourself.
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Thank you for taking the time to read and give feedback! You know how it is when you open up, a little scary... lol!
I will ask my husband to find the information he trusts, there is a lot of nonsense out there too. This guy builds a basic unit in this video:
I THINK he then ran the hydrogen into the air intake on the carbuerator maybe...? I am not a mechanic, but I will ask him to get a better answer. He is at work at the moment.
And yes - the scuba and sailing is the retirement plan, we are almost there and still blessed with good health so far!
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I do understand about putting yourself out there. Recently did a post for the Love It/Shove It contest and then was called out making an excuse, which lead to my next post which was a declaration that I will be blogging on a consistent basis and about real topics. To say the least I'm feeling a little vulnerable with the position I'm in right now sharing my thoughts and life. But I think it's good...
Thanks for the info, look forward to hearing what your husband has to say. I'm not much of a mechanic either, but have enough friends who are so am interested to hear about it.
Glad you are getting close to retirement! More importantly with your health. The ocean is calling your name ;)
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I am looking forward to watching you grow, that was an awesome post!
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Thank you! Always nice to hear words of encouragement.
BTW, if you want a chance to win free lifetime upvotes take a look at my last post. Giving away multiple sponsorship positions over the next few weeks. The current contest is just looking for ideas of what contest people would like to see happen. Sure the next few weeks will require some writing so maybe it will help you continue to open up too.
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Lol I loved hearing your word nerd trash talk re: scrabble on steroids, that was hysterical! Consider me appropriately cowed tho, no way I'm challenging you on that one ha.
Really great to read this brave and unapologetically honest bio snapshot. It's taken me a very long time to learn that it simply doesn't work for me to be around people who are toxic to me for whatever reason. No judgement has to accompany that awareness necessarily. It doesn't follow that these individuals are toxic in general. Just that they are for me, and no reason on Earth why I should subject myself to them. I don't owe anybody an explanation. My sole responsibility is to acknowledge that it doesn't work, and then go where I feel drawn instead :)
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EXACTLY. Sure, there are some people who are just messed up, but there is usually a "chemistry" that makes a relationship wonderful, or toxic. Both can be heady experiences and far too many people like the headiness and fail to be picky about how they get... um... heady ;) There is a double entendre I was not even trying for!
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Lol yes! Poisons can make you high, like sniffing glue. Well put :D
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I love you! LOL no wonder we are kindred souls this was awesome. You are awesome!! 💜💛💚💙
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I love you too, you awesome, shiny human! HUGS!!
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Oh, baby! You get my 100%
How can you not love you? Pfft! I did read the whole thing and loved every single bit of it. Well, the batshit crazy made me read it twice, then I had to laugh at myself. Aren't we all a little crazy? Just different kids, methinks.
My hat is off to you. Diving is awesome, nowadays the airlines make it cost a fortune to throw the bad on when headed down somewhere warm and sunny. My days of whitewater rafting took a left-hand turn with witnessing a bad injury. But, I do love kayaking.
You are an interesting, fun, intelligent human being! I am so glad you wrote this,
If you weren't a female and already married, I think I would propose to you. :)
Thanks for writing this! It is awesome!
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Aw, that is so sweet! Now I am left to imagine how beautiful a proposal from you would be, your risque poetry and sultry photos... I am also a happily married female but your smooth ways might could make me think about it lol!
The plan is to fit that boat with our own compressor then sail and dive our retirement away. Maybe we can meet up in some tropical locale and have a double date instead ;)
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Oh I'm so glad I joined in on this little challenge, otherwise I might have missed this post! So many interesting things you have experienced. I love that you acknowledge that you (we all, really) are still a work in progress. I used to be scared of change, but as I get older I realize it's a great thing to continue to grow and explore.
I love your enthusiasm for words! I'm sure you would whip me, but Scrabble is about the only game I can beat my boyfriend in.
Your outdoor adventures look quite amazing, as well! Seeing some of your photos makes me want to get out there and try something new.
As for the crazy, I agree with @dswigle in that we all have a touch of it. Though it is quite disheartening that approved medication can be so harming to us, yet it's still rampantly prescribed.
Thanks for sharing a little about yourself! I am happy I stopped by for a look to see a tiny snapshot of who you are.
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I am sure there are many people out there who would whip my ass, I don't do tournaments or anything. However, average scrabble player will be handed their ass... lol!
I just finished your post, and what an awesome thing steemusa started here... Thanks for opening up and sharing a piece of you, it is risky... or it sure feels that way, I know! I love how you love your family, that is just the hallmark of someone with good roots. A pleasure meeting you, plantstoplanks!
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Pleasure to meet you, as well! :)
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So basically you do everything! SuperWoman! :D :D I love your positive spirit and good energy! A lot of things I do like you, I'm also writing poetry here, I go scuba diving in summer, ...
Anyway, take care! Loved to read this post!
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Thank you! And to be sure, I do NOT snowboard. I tried, I got a concussion on the bunny hill...LOL! At least when I DON'T do a thing I do it up right... LOL!
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Haha glad you're good now. Snowboarding is too extreme, I tried it once... Everything hurts me still xD
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Great post @fishyculture! I love your story and spirit of adventure! I can definitely relate to your description of yourself in many ways... the only off thing is your sailboat - it needs to be in water :)
Your post was resteemed and upvoted by @knot - a blog designed to connect all sailors on steemit and build a fun and supportive community with the goal of helping each other navigate the platform and grow.
Join our chat on discord by clicking on the link below, or simply follow @knot to discover all sailing related content.
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Hey! I did not even think of looking for a sailors discord, there is truly a bit of everything, isn't there! And yes, we know... Rest assured we got PLENTY of odd looks when we pulled a sailboat onto the desert property we bought! But we wanted to get all our toys bought and paid for before we retired so we just pretend we are Noah and let the neighbors wonder... lol!
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haha! that's great! the main thing is knowing what you want and going for it! Now when you are finally ready to sail you wont need to hassle to find a boat!
Yes Discord got it all! and the @knOt is only over a month old. The idea came to me after finding abandoned steemit sailor accounts who blogged about their sailing, never got any comments or upvotes and so they left... So the goal is to turn that around and have a place for sailors to connect.
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A worthy effort - thanks!
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really good!!!
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Thanks. It is what it is - I have been called "brutally honest" but that is better than any kind of liar IMO!
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