The Boy Who Committed Suicide
(Not a short story but can change you
attitude towards life)
It was the day of my result. Once again it was the same. I FAILED. I failed in one more thing.
No, I was not disheartened. Something was missing inside me. I guess, it was my heart. Heartless people don’t get disheartened.
Till last night , a wounded,full of blood and scars , broken heart was there but today’s result didn’t let it exist.
I had to do something. After killing my heart ,it was occupying my mind now.
I was feeling weak. I don’t know what exactly it felt like but it was like someone had grabbed my hair and pushed my face into water. It was suffocating. I was unable to breathe. I wanted to be out of it. The water blocked my nose , eyes , ears and brains.
I was sinking into thoughts. The most negative thoughts. You know what, negative thoughts are like viruses. They multiply themselves and make your brain a defunct machinery.
It was dark outside when I went to my grandmother’s room .She was sleeping. May be the effect of sleeping pills and other tablets , as she was not well since ages. Slowly, I picked up the tablets and came back to my room.
One sleeping pill for each reason – so I started.
Fell in love – big big mistake – one
Proposed to her – stupidity- two
Didn’t get bored and continued the relationship – three
She broke up – four, five, six
Her next boyfriend -not my mistake but -seven
I blackmailed her and told her parents about her past and present (and endangered her future) – eight
She slapped me in front of all – nine
Failed once- ten
Failed twice – eleven
Failed today too – no tablets left
Still I continued
My parents’ disappointment , wasted money, wasted time ….
I counted till I lost my consciousness.
When I opened my eyes and looked around to see whether I’m in hospital or hell. I couldn’t even imagine to go to heaven. It looked better than hospital. It was a known place. Oh! It was my room. I didn’t die after eating 11 sleeping pills or whatever those were.
I got one more reason to die – I failed in dying too.
Next four days were the toughest days of my life. I had lost my brain. I was completely out of my senses.
I forgot to feel, hear and see. I sat for hours in bathroom and came back without taking shower. Somethings I did were just so embarrassing. Those days made me realise what drug addicts feel when they don’t get it.
Well! On the fourth night I gathered the courage to speak to her and tell her about how important she is to me.
I called her up. It was engaged. I opened Facebook to see her pictures as I deleted just everthing related to her to get rid of her thoughts.
‘Congratulations’ I read. Lots and lots of congratulations on her timeline. Then I got to know that not only her phone but she too got engaged. And then I saw a picture of her with her boyfriend, who was now her fiance.
I couldn’t bear anymore and closed my eyes for a few seconds. Tears came out of my eyes and fell on the phone screen . It made the face of her fiance invisible.
I imagined myself behind the invisible face. She looked beautiful. I smiled. Once again some tears fell down.
I touched her cheeks . Touch of my finger wiped off the screen and once again I could see the face of her fiance.
This time tears didn’t come out. I became frustrated. I became angry. I became insane.
I threw the phone on the floor . All the parts of it separated but the screen was still unbroken.
I took a few steps again to pick the phone but before I could throw it again , my parents came in.
‘What was this noise of? ‘ My father spoke in high pitch.
I kept quiet.
‘What did you do? ‘ He again asked with even higher pitch.
As I told you I became insane. So to reply to his question, once again I slammed it into the floor, this time even more forcefully.
He slapped me . I couldn’t feel anything.
I kept looking into his eyes (I was supposed to look down after I was slapped). He slapped me harder. I looked into his eyes and laughed. Trust me I laughed harder than his slap.
He had fear in his eyes. Fear of an insane son. They left the room.
I overheard my mother crying. My mother must have overheard me laughing.
I went to washroom , took a blade and cut my nerves. I laughed with each cut . This time I didn’t count but made sure that these are more than the pills, enough to kill me. With each cut my pain was disappearing. No, it didn’t heal but it set me free. Free from all the failures. Free from this life………
I opened my eyes. I turned around to see whether I again failed. It seemed different. It looked beautiful but it was neither my room nor hospital.Finally I succeeded. Finally I did it.
I was a boy , the only son of my parents, the only brother of my sister. I was a boy who committed suicide. I was a boy who died…….
Part -2
I opened my eyes. It was beautiful but neither my room nor hospital.
While I was trying to confirm where I was, a man in white clothes came near me. He looked beautiful. No, I didn’t mean handsome but beautiful.
‘Hello, young soul’, he said to me.
Soul! I heard young boy but this ‘young soul’ was new to me. It meant I had died. Finally! . I must have been happy but I didn’t feel anything. I was neutral.
‘Who are you?’I asked. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. No soul friends were needed.
‘That doesn’t matter. In your words you can call me an angel’. I looked at his face. It was glowing. He was absolutely beautiful.
I swear, I felt like looking at him more than I felt like looking at ‘her’ .(oh! I’m remembering her even after my death. Bad it is.)
‘So you are an angel. This means you have so many powers.’ Without wasting much words I asked in a low voice.
‘What powers?’ He asked.
‘Can you please omit all the memories from my brain?’ Saying this I thought about my brain and realised I shouldn’t have any brains. It must have been burnt in fire at my cremation. I felt bad for my body and brain. I missed them.
Suddenly I recalled what I did to my phone’s body and brains. I smiled this time thinking about my phone’s cremation twice.
‘Why do you want to omit the memories?’
His question brought me back.
‘Because I want everyone’s thoughts to be out of my mind. ‘ I don’t know why I felt bad saying this.
‘Yes, you want to be out of just everthing but what about those who remain alive after you? ‘ His question was to make me feel guilty but I didn’t.
‘They’ll forget me soon. They were not happy with me anyways.‘ I felt bad . I missed them , may be. I felt worse at the thought of missing them. How could I be into all that, even though I was not alive.
After coming out of thoughts of missing and feeling bad for missing, I found Angel had disappeared without even deleting my memories.
I kept sitting there for long. I didn’t feel tired. I felt happy with the idea of not appearing in any exams, not waiting for my girl to come back, not caring about what my parents expect , not giving a damn to what relatives would gossip.
Suddenly I heard a voice. A slow sad voice. I looked around but there was no one.
After a few seconds , I again heard the same voice. It sounded like my mother’s voice. I paid attention to it. She was crying. She was calling me. I couldn’t stop myself to follow this sound.
I reached a place where there was water.It was like a mini river. It was flowing. It looked divine. I went closer and sat there. Voice became louder and clear. And what I saw then was…horrible.
In the divine flowing water , I saw my mother. She was crying hard. My father was standing besides her. She was continuously calling my name in her half-conscious state.
It was really difficult for me to see her like this. I had tears in my eyes. She lost her consciousness. A nurse came and took her inside the room. I guess they were in hospital.
My sister was not there. May be she was still angry. I behaved really bad with her. I missed those fights but I was sure she would never miss such a bad brother who never cared for her sentiments and always dominated her.
I remembered our most common fight over remote. She always wanted to watch music channels and I used to snatch remote from her and enjoyed cricket. Cricket became more enjoyable after conquering the remote from her. I missed her and her favourite argument ‘Is there your name written on the T.V.?’ .
My father came back in the corridor. I wished I could zoom it and see his eyes. He was a tough man and I had never seen tears in his eyes . ‘Had he cried on my death?’ I thought.
He sat on one of the adjoined chairs. I could see him continously. He took his wallet out and saw something. He kept looking at it for a few seconds and then lifted up his face.
Shit! He had tears in his eyes. He was trying to stop them from falling down by lifting up his face.
Oh! I felt like dying (yes I felt that even after dying actually).
He suddenly stood up and ran towards the end of corridor. This time the screen too moved keeping the focus on my father. He went to washroom.
There was no one else in the washroom. He stood with his back touched to the wall and broke down. I couldn’t believe it but he actually broke down. Then again saw the wallet, embraced it and again cried. This time he sat on the floor and kept his wallet on his lap.
Thats when I saw my picture in it. I never knew he could keep my photo in his wallet. I never gave him a reason to be happy.
I felt guilty. I felt like consoling him. Tears fell down in the water. This time my tears couldn’t fade a crying father’s image on screen.
He wept, sobbed and cried hard. The toughest man on the earth cried.
I ran away from water. I wanted to be out of it. I didn’t want to be sad now. I had left my life far behind. I promised myself not to come near water……
Part -3
Next morning when I woke up, the angel was sitting besides me. It was beautiful. So many flowers were there. Different colours of flowers anyone can imagine.
Angel looked even more beautiful among those flowers. He looked like a flower – Fresh and blooming.
‘Do we sleep even after death? ‘ I asked still hypnotised by the beauty.
‘We do but those we left behind can’t’ , he said with an upset voice and made me remember those whom I had left behind.
I felt bad for missing them once again.
‘Did you see them?’ He asked looking at me.
‘Hmm..‘I replied looking at the flowers to avoid eye contact. I couldn’t say more as my throat was chocked.
‘Do you wanna see anyone else’? He asked again after a few seconds.
‘No’ I replied not looking at him. I couldn’t dare to look at him.
For the next 5 minutes or so I kept looking at the flowers. I couldn’t figure out whether to avoid eye contact or because it was really mesmerising.
He broke the silence by asking,’ which one do you like the most?
Thankfully he asked a simple question this time. I pointed out my finger towards a white n purple flower which was shiny bright like a star. I don’t know how much a star shines but I can bet it was shinier than a diamond.
‘You know , this flower takes so much of time to be the shiniest. ‘He too was looking at the flower now.
‘Hmm… I could expect. It is beautiful.’ I was mesmerised with the shine.
‘Sometimes the garderner asks not to water this plant as it takes years to blossom’ he said with concern on his face like a grandfather.
‘Stupid he is. How could one leave such a beautiful flower, specially when he knows it will be the best after some years.’
I said wholeheartedly. I was really hypnotised.
‘Hadn’t you done the same?’ Again a tough question which worked like a hypnotism breaker.
I looked at him. There was something in his eyes that made me feel uneasy. His eyes scribbled on my forehead ‘STUPID’.
I don’t know whether I had a heart or not but I felt like it skipped a beat.
‘ I had strong reasons which compelled me to end my life.’ I advocated myself.
‘And what were they? ‘ he asked intriguing.
‘Thats personal but just to let you know even 11 sleeping pills fell short for the reasons.’ I defended .
He laughed for the first time. It was the most sarcastic laughter I had ever heard.
‘Only two reasons – result and the girl.’ He said very calmly. My eyes broadened. He knew everything.
I felt embarrassed. Yes, actually in the whole list there were only two things. Did I exaggerate then? Just 2 reasons!
‘Okay. Only two reasons but these were big. It was not the first time I failed.’
‘Yes, it was your third attempt . You know for everything number of attempts are fixed’, he said and trust me I saw a divine light on his face.
‘Really’ , I could believe just everthing he said. ‘Then in which attempt I could clear it? ‘ I was curious to know.
‘That depends but suppose it was as far as seventh attempt. Was it still too far in a life of so many years? Specially when you had come as near as third one, only four were left. Was it worth sacrificing millions of moments? ‘ With each word his face was lightning up more.
He continued, ‘ Every failure is like a milestone crossed which tells about you how much is left now.’ His face looked like the white and purple flower, the shiniest.
I felt like a loser. I had always counted number of failures and not the milestones crossed. But I didn’t rest my case so I asked with full confidence ‘Okay , I agree but what about the second reason. Do you really think I should have attempted even after her engagement? ‘
He closed his eyes . Now his face resembled the divine water – flowing still calm. Without opening his eyes he spoke , ‘ not everthing is meant to stay. Not everyone you meet is destined to be there with you forever. ‘ He took a pause. I wanted to ask then why god sent her to me ,but couldn’t dare to blame god in front of his angel.
To my surprise he spoke,’ To teach you , to make you stronger so that when you find your soulmate you could realise why it didn’t work with anyone else. ‘ He opened his eyes . His eyes were pure . Pure like a mother’s prayer for her child.
Suddenly I missed my mother. He was right. Just one moment , just one effort may be just one more attempt and the flower of my life might have blossomed. My life too had been shinier than a diamond. I regretted, extremely regretted but didn’t say anything . I had died and it was the only truth.
‘Do you want to see anyone ? This is the last chance you have. After this you will not be here. ‘ His words frightened my soul .May be it was my transit period and then I would be in hell. My heart sank.
‘I didn’t see my sister last night . Can I see her?’ I was as fearful as I could be.
I wanted to see her smile for the last time.
We went near water again and it started.
She was in my room . I could see her from back. She had collected all the pieces of my phone and kept them in a box. I regretted all the moments of fights and misbehaviour.
She then went to the hall, picked up the remote with trembling hands and switched on the TV.
‘ Thank god she is at least happy . Now she will watch songs , her favourite ‘, I told the Angel with pride. He didn’t say anything.
She pressed three buttons and here it was……. cricket!!! She was watching cricket , she hated!
I couldn’t understand anything.
She stood up, torn out a paper from some diary on the table and wrote something on it. I couldn’t see. Then she pasted it on TV . It was……… ‘Manas Bhaiya‘. She wrote my name on TV!! I recalled ‘ Is there your name written on the T.V? ‘
It was awful. I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I was crying when she had actually written my name on it.
Then she put the diary on her lap and wrote something. This time the angel zoomed it.
‘ Bhaiya please come back. I promise I’ll never touch the remote . This TV belongs to you. Just everything belongs to you. Please don’t leave us . I beg. ‘ In between those sentences were marks of tears which faded some words.
I couldn’t see anymore. I hugged him and sobbed.
‘ I am sorry’ I said. ‘ I shouldn’t have done this. I could have cleared next time. They loved me even without being successful. I never realised. ‘
I sat on knees and continued , ‘ I was a fool . I couldn’t realise what I had and just ran after what was not mine. I’m sorry I couldn’t value my life. Not everyone gets this life. I have killed three more lives. Please let me go . I beg.’
‘Do you wanna see that girl? Its time to go now‘ he said and held my hand .
‘No. I just want to go back to my family. I know had I been alive, god would have gifted me someone who really loved me.’
He smiled and said ,’Time to go now’.
After a week :
‘Thank you for saving my life doctor’, I spoke in a low voice with half eyes opened,‘I know everyone say it was a miracle but I know you saved me.’
Doctor smiled and said ,’ Yes it was not a miracle. You were not destined to succeed in second attempt’.
I was stunned. How could he knew it? I looked at his face opening my eyes to the extent possible. His smile had the same glow. I don’t know whether it was the effect of hallucination or something else , I saw the angel in him.
I slept again and saw the angel in my dream.
‘Do you want me to omit all the memories by magic?’ He looked divine.
I replied,
‘No, let them be in the flowing water so that whenever I think of attempting once more, they hold my hand and say ‘its time to go‘.
Every day I would drive past a bridge on my way home. The traffic leading up to the bridge is brutal during rush hour.
I noticed a homeless man standing at the foot of the bridge. He was in his fifties, he had bright blue eyes and an exhausted look about him. It was winter, and he had on a light jacket. He was holding a small cardboard sign that read homeless, anything helps.
Very few drivers would roll down their windows and hand him something. When he was handed something, he would look right at the person and thank them. There was something so sincere about him. At the same time, he was so broken and alone. It would consume me to think about what it would be like to be completely alone in the world.
I began thinking about this man a lot. I wondered how he ended up there. What happened to him in his life that brought him to this bridge?
I wanted to know his story but I didn't know how to go about starting a conversation.
Then, after about a week of seeing him, I was at a bookstore and I walked past the journals. I found a rough textured leather journal that tied closed. I bought it and that night I wrote him a message on the first page.
I just wanted to tell you that you matter.
I put a couple of dollars in it, tied it closed and the next night I handed it off to him.
I didn't see him again for several days after giving him the journal. I started feeling pretty bad, like I had offended him.
That Friday, I was sitting in traffic and I caught sight of him, standing in his usual spot. I rolled my window down only part way. I didn't want him to feel like he had to talk to me, but just in case he wanted to say something, I would be able to hear him.
As I inched past him, he approached my window and said my name is Jody. He handed me several pieces of paper. I held the paper in my hand all the way home. When I pulled up in front on my house, I turned on my dome light and started reading what he wrote.
I want to thank you for being so nice to me. It means the world to me, and you don't even know it yet. I have so much to say but I'm not good at putting it on paper. I've made a lot of mistakes. From the age of 13 I've been to hell and back and at times living so near the edge of life, only wanting to end it all. God must've had a different plan because I keep waking up each day. Your message was like a sign that I need to keep trying I've pushed people away for so long but I know I need people in my life. I have a kind heart. I made this drawing for you. Thank you for caring about me. Your friend, Jody
He had drawn this picture of Marilyn Monroe using a pencil and a blank sheet of paper on the last page of a spiral notebook. He did this while living under that same bridge in the middle of winter.
I get overwhelmed and humbled when I think about it. He shared a piece of himself with me that changed me and made me understand how important it is to see each other. And how having a friend can mean everything.
Somewhere inside the crowd, an old man recalled an old incident.
"If I die, will you cry?" She asked.
To ignore heaviness of that moment, he answered, "Nopes, I'll celebrate by marrying another woman."
She got angry and they fought, again!
He loved her so much that he used to ignore these silly questions from her.
Just when he was floating in his memories, his son tapped him on the shoulder. His thought train from past was drawn to a sudden halt and he reached at the station called present.
He turned back and asked, "Yes?"
"You're old now. Don't exert yourself. Instead of coming with us , I suggest that you take some rest in your room." His son said.
"Alright!" The old man agreed.
The old man walked his way back into his room using his walking stick. He entered in his room and stood near his wife's photograph.
After 62 years of togetherness, he had lost a part of his soul. Still, the old man in white clothes had bravely fought back tears since the last 14 hours. He didn't attend the funeral following his son’s advice.
But, looking at the photograph, he finally cried. In-front of her cold photograph, he screamed and cried like hell, holding it close to his chest.
He was alone without her, all alone!
EYES
There was something about those eyes. Something special. As if the whole world was waiting to get a glimpse of those eyes but I was the lucky winner who got the chance to see them first.
" You have your mother’s eyes," I whispered in her ears.
Her new little fingers grasped my finger tightly. Holding her in my arms I felt as if I was holding my entire world.
I still remember the day I first met her mother. She was sitting there all alone.
" Can I take your picture? "
" Why? "
She said this without looking at me.
" of all the things I have seen, you are the second most beautiful. "
" and what is the first one? "
" Your Eyes. "
" Why should I believe you? "
She was still looking down stirring her cup of coffee.
" I am a photographer. I capture beauty. No one knows about beauty better than me. "
She looked in my direction but not at me.
" Dead! "
" What? "
"My eyes, they are dead. I am blind," Her eyes were trying to guess my position. "You said no one knows beauty better than you but I don’t know what beauty is. I don’t know the difference between beauty and ugliness. Do you still think that my eyes are beautiful?"
I couldn’t see her eyes because they were blurred with tears.
" In our profession they say, If the picture is blur, you are not close enough," I moved closer to her. Her face just inches away from mine. She was still trying to guess my position. My breath directed her to me. I kissed her eyes and she got her answer.
I was looking in those eyes. Her eyes. I tried to uncurl her little fingers by pressing on her palm, she curled them back into a tight fist and I captured this moment in my camera.
" Operation theater is ready. "
" Coming Doctor. "
" Are you sure you want to do this? "
" What do my reports say Doctor? "
" You have maximum 4 months. "
" Then I am pretty much sure. "
" But you will never be able to capture beauty in your camera anymore. "
"Doctor my wife is the second best beauty in this world and do you know what is the first one? My daughter’s eyes," I felt as if she smiled when I said this. "and I have captured both in my camera."
Lying in the bed I closed my eyes. All images started to fade. Now everything was black and when I opened my eyes it seemed like millions of years had passed. I opened my eyes but…but it was still dark.
" What is this Doctor? Switch on the lights!! "
" Lights are on. Are you alright? You have taken such a difficult decision…"
" No, no Doctor don’t worry, I was just checking whether you did your job perfectly or not." I laughed but I sensed Doctor’s displeasure to my joke. "How is my wife?"
" Operation was successful but… "
" I know, she need some answers. Please Doctor take me to her. "
The distance to her room was the longest distance I have ever travelled.
"I told you not to take this decision and you said you were just kidding, then why did you do this?" She said. She was crying.
This time she could see me but I couldn’t see her. I have given my vision to my masterpiece. Her image was not on my retina but my mind was drawing a blur image of her in front of me.
"In our profession they say, If the picture is blur, you are not close enough," I was trying to guess her position.
She moved closer to me. Her breath directed me to her. I kissed her eyes and she got her answer.
Edit: Thank you for reading this and Thanks to everyone who took some time and read/upvoted my previous story. Please comment and tell me what do you think about it. All suggestions are welcome. Your views will help me to write better.
Note: ( that's why people call me a mysterious person )
The story I am going to share here is taken from my book which I will publish after a year or two. I never told about my secret work to anybody, not even my parents, but reading this question I felt worth sharing it here. I really do not know you people will cry reading this story or not but if you understood it properly, you won't be able to sleep tonight and maybe, you can get disturbed. Read it at your own risk. Also, I do not want anybody to copy and paste it anywhere. Please do not do that. Just read it and try to understand my story. This story will surely make you cry.
Please understand me and my story. Understanding is the key term here.
I will share only 2% of my story here. I won't tell how they fell in love, how John struggled, when John died. Yes, I will surely share that letter here which she wrote to him before she died, telling him everything. This letter will help you understand this story completely.
There are three characters here in this story:
Alicia, John, and Alicia's father Tom.
Story:
Alicia is really happy today. She is in love with John. A person who is quite unique. A person who worships freedom. A person who is weird but amiable. Alicia is in true love with John. Now, John is still unknown about this. How would she tell him about her love for him? She is really confused but this happiness of true pure love is really incredible and this love is causing butterfly in her stomach. She will tell for sure, she has decided finally.
Alicia meets John and tells him everything. John is just out of words. The reality is that John loves her too and that was love at first sight for him. They decide to marry each other. John is a teacher. Alicia is a student.
John meets Tom finally. Tom is not happy knowing that Alicia is in love with John. Knowing the condition of John, Tom decides to never get convince with this love. Alicia is really angry. Tom makes a deal. He wants to see how much struggle he can do for her. John is ready to go as far as possible to be with her. Tom asks John to leave his loving freedom and beg for a month. After that, he will become a garbage man for a month followed by his servant for a week who will clean his trash. John accepts the deal. He has no problem doing such pathetic jobs. He decides to start from today itself and marry her as soon as possible. Tom departs from there thinking that John won't be able to leave his freedom. Tom is wrong. John can leave his freedom to be with Alicia.
Days pass and John is going to be free now. He is really happy. He talks to Alicia on phone and asks her to get ready for shopping. The next day, their marriage will be fixed and his parents will meet her at her home along with her father. The next day comes and John, along with his parents, visits her home. At her home, there is complete silence. Tom is weeping really hard and there is crowd of people. John is unable to understand the situation. He gets in the home and finds the dead body of Alicia. John is completely dead from inside. Alicia consumed poison today itself. He gets to know about it and really finds hard to understand the situation that led her to go for suicide. Tom shares a letter with John written by Alicia for him. He immediately gets inside the room and reads the letter. The letter is as follows:
“I hate you John. I hate you more than I ever loved you. I feel pathetic to have fallen in love with a person who is completely fake and bogus. I was so wrong and I can’t forgive myself. I had fallen in love with you as a person for your worship for freedom. Your devotion for freedom made me fall for you. The very instant when you got convinced by those tasks that my father asked you to do, I started to hate you. Do not hate me for this because I know you loved me too much but my love ended there itself. In your view and peoples' view, you truly loved me. There is no doubt about that. In my view, your every attempt killing your freedom, made me to fall out of love. I got to know there itself ( meeting Tom ) that my days were about to end now. I did not kill myself the very day when you met my father because I wanted to see freedom being a slave so that it can make me hate you more and make me easily take away my life. I decided to never reject you because that could completely devastate you. I did not want to do any wrong to you. Suicide was the only final option. I have my principles. I never let anybody hurt because of me. I can hurt myself happily. That’s what I did. I am finally ending this letter. You crushed freedom and became a slave. You are a very poor guy and I am ashamed of you.”
John understood everything finally after reading the letter. He really felt guilty. He started to hate himself. Her death and this letter both could not let him breathe properly. He suddenly died in the same room where Alicia died. Their love story ended on a sad note. Freedom is the reason behind their death.
Get into the shoes of John and you will surely cry. Get into the shoes of Alicia, you will again surely cry. If you don't, you never understood the story. Read it again. I bet you will.
Moral: Freedom can never be a slave for a person. I just want to give a message to my fellow quorans that freedom is supreme and pure. Do not be a slave for a person. The moment you decide to be a slave is the moment when you are termed as a coward.
Freedom is free from everything, even from a person you love. Freedom is pure and loving. Freedom can never be a slave for a person. Never ever.