Can Staying Connected Actually Make Us Less Social?

Technology has changed the way we interact with each other – so much so, that it could actually make us less social. Sure it’s made life easier for many of us over time. Apparently so easy, that my 80-year-old grandmother has learned to use WhatsApp! Social media makes communicating on a global scale with one another seamless, but how has it effected our in-person interactions? Think about all the times where using our devices to stay connected has actually distracted you from face-to-face conversations. That’s just one examples of how our reliance on technology actually makes it more difficult to maintain people’s attention while in the same room. I noticed this first-hand with a recent experience I’d like to share.

The Kickback
A few months ago, my roommate, Mike, and I had a little kickback at our place to reconnect with some friends and watch college football. Of the no more than 15 people who showed up, some were watching the game in the living room while others were hanging out in the kitchen talking and listening to music. The college football junkie in me had me glued to the game, which left Mike to play host in the kitchen to everyone else.

Halftime always seems to bring everyone together. Naturally, the entire group ended up in the kitchen and decided to take a round of shots before the second half started. A good amount of time followed with near silence after the shots, but nobody thought much of it. Mike, being the social butterfly that he is, took note of it; this is where the evening took an unexpected turn.

All he said was “that’s crazy,” causing most of the people in the room looked to him for an explanation. I don’t think he was intentionally trying to get everyone’s attention, but he happened to utter those words just as the music playlist ended, making it quiet enough for most of us to hear him. In explaining his remarks, he asked all of us to look around the room. Mike then pointed out that he was the only one without a phone in his hand. Most people just laughed it off and went back to texting and reading their timelines. But Mike’s point really resonated with me and I couldn’t let it go.

I started this whole discussion on what that exact same scene might’ve looked like 10 or 20 years back. How different was the experience for a small group of young adults hanging out on a Saturday night? We came up with a bunch of different possibilities. Some people said we’d be more focused on the music, which at this point had started playing again, but just as background noise. Someone else said we’d have more conversations as a group, and less individual discussions. To my surprise, people were really intrigued by the discussion I started. There seemed to be a general understanding that because of the attention we were devoting to staying connected, we were missing out on something. I was curious as to what that something was, so I pushed the discussion another step further.

The Challenge
I thought back to a challenge one of my friends had us try at a restaurant a while back. I’m sure some of you have done it before, if not, it’s worth trying even for a few minutes. Basically, everyone stacks their phones on top of one another to get rid of any outside distractions to the conversation at the table. If anyone touches their phone before the check comes, he/she has to pay for everyone’s meal. I mentioned this to the room and suggested we do something similar. I set my phone on the counter to try to set the example. There were some pushback from a few people, but eventually it caught on. everyone got their last few texts in and stacked their phones on top of mine. I also went ahead and cut off the TV to avoid getting distracted by the game. All that was left was a room full of old and new friends with some music playing.

The notifications from the stack of phones slowly died down to an occasional chirp or vibrations. It also took some time for everyone in the room to adjust and embrace this awkward feeling of having no connection to anyone outside of the kitchen. There were a few casual conversations, but it didn’t seem like we were really enjoying each other’s company to start. Since the challenge was my idea, I felt pressured to be a good host and find a way to entertain the group. So I ran upstairs to my room and grabbed a card game that I got the previous Christmas: Table Topics for Foodies. As much as I love to cook and know about food, the fact that I hadn’t opened the box in months showed that I never expected to actually play the game. Probably in part to the fact that I hate the term “foodie” for whatever reason.

Anyway, I was surprised to see that everyone was up for playing the game. It wasn’t like I gave a familiar option like Cards Against Humanity; everyone was down to earth and willing to work with whatever I had. We ended up having so much fun with it, that we ran through all of the cards more than once.

The best part about the game was all the side conversations and debates that it started. Everyone had to give their response to every single card which asked all types of questions about food preferences. Clearly not the most exciting topic given the setting, but we made it interesting. There was a question about brunch that started a good ten minutes debate on what restaurants have the best brunch food and bottomless mimosas in Atlanta. All the girls got a good laugh at a card about failed experiments in the kitchen. That somehow prompted all of the guys in the room to tell our most embarrassing failed experiments in the kitchen trying to impress a date.

Eventually, everyone came back to reality. All it took was one person picking up their phone for everyone to agree that we’d had enough and follow suit. We realized what felt like an eternity without our phones was actually just 90 minutes of being disconnected from the outside world.

The Lesson
This random and unexpected experience taught me a lot about our social behavior. Sure we were probably late to retweet the newest Arthur memes or whatever else we would’ve done in those 90 minutes. However, we first-hand experienced the difference between virtual and in-person interactions.

One of my mentors was recently telling me about how emails aren’t always the best way to communicate because you can’t tell the tone of an email. While some communications channels are better at this than others, there’s no substitute for a face-to-face conversation. In my professional role, my team is spread out all over the country; I’ve never met most of my coworkers. Virtual meetings and conference calls make communication amongst us effortless, but I find I’m a lot closer with the teammates I’ve actually met in person. It’s just different. Face-to-face interactions are a slowly dying part of our personal and professional lives.

In the challenge I mentioned earlier, having everyone’s full attention really brought out all the different personalities in the room. It could be that we just had the perfect group of old and new friends for this to work, but it truly felt like everyone had a role in this social setting. For 90 minutes, we had a room full of uninterrupted, unfiltered genuine personalities.

You had the “cool guy” who naturally entertained everyone with his personality and presence alone. There was the “social girl” who was most concerned with making sure everyone was actively engaged and having fun. “The new guy” who’s always hit or miss – he either fits in and adds to the conversation, or tries too hard having everyone thinking “who’s friend is that?!” Regardless of what it is, everyone plays a role – just by being themselves – while socializing in-person; that’s not always the case virtually.

Believe it or not, this turned out to be one of my favorite social experiences since moving to Atlanta. Technology has changed the way we interact with one another, but we have to find the right balance in using it socially. As humans, we aren’t as good as multitasking as we think (read up on divided attention theory if you don’t believe me). Knowing that, let’s try and give our attention to the people and conversations right in front of us. It might not always be practical, but in this case, it proved to be a better social experience.