Once upon a time, there was a grumpy orange tabby cat named Pickles. Pickles was not your ordinary cat—he could talk. Not only could he talk, but he also had opinions on just about everything: from his human’s unfortunate cooking skills to the ridiculousness of vacuum cleaners.
One day, Pickles’ human, Tim, was lying on the couch after trying out a new recipe that somehow involved both anchovies and peanut butter. Tim sighed, clutching his stomach, and muttered, “Why does everything I make taste like it came from a can of cat food?”
“Probably because it should be eaten by a cat,” Pickles chimed in from his perch on the windowsill. His voice was slightly raspy, like a jazz singer who’d had one too many milk martinis.
Tim shot up, eyes wide. “P-Pickles? You can talk?”
“Well, someone has to narrate the disaster that is your cooking,” Pickles replied, rolling his eyes. “Anchovies and peanut butter, Tim? What are you, a college student?”
Tim blinked a few times, then muttered, “This is insane… Cats can’t talk.”
“Let’s not be speciesist,” Pickles said, flicking his tail. “Dogs can fetch, parrots can mimic, and cats? Well, some of us are blessed with the ability to tell humans off.”
Tim started to laugh, convinced it was all a dream. But Pickles’ deadpan stare told him otherwise.
“So, what else can you do besides criticize my cooking?” Tim asked, leaning forward.
“Well, I can nap for 18 hours straight, look adorable while ignoring you, and if I try hard enough, I can open the treat cabinet with my paw.” Pickles licked his paw and added, “But honestly, my primary skill set involves complaining, eating, and reminding you I’m superior in every way.”
Tim scratched his head. “So… Why haven’t you talked to me before?”
Pickles looked horrified. “Are you kidding? Do you think I want you to ask me every five seconds if I’m a ‘good kitty’? Or that annoying baby talk you do? No, thank you. I have standards.”
Tim laughed nervously, suddenly realizing that Pickles had probably heard everything he’d ever said around him, including that embarrassing karaoke session last week. “Well… I, uh, appreciate your honesty.”
“Finally, a little respect.” Pickles stretched out luxuriously and then added, “But if you ever sing ‘Eye of the Tiger’ at 2 a.m. again, we’ll have words.”
Just then, there was a knock at the door. Tim got up, and in walked his neighbor, Sarah. “I just wanted to return the sugar I borrowed—oh, and hi Pickles!” She waved.
Pickles gave her a polite nod and said, “Good evening, Sarah. I trust you’re not here for Tim’s cooking. Your taste buds deserve better.”
Sarah’s eyes went wide. “Did… did your cat just—”
“Yeah. Apparently, Pickles has been able to talk this whole time,” Tim sighed.
Sarah blinked, looking back and forth between Tim and Pickles. Finally, she laughed and said, “Well, that explains why he always looks so judgmental.”
“Exactly!” Pickles exclaimed. “Finally, someone understands me.” He padded over to Sarah and rubbed against her leg. “Now, if you have a spare tuna treat or two, I may finally have a reason to stop by your place.”
“Hey!” Tim protested. “I thought we had a bond.”
Pickles tilted his head thoughtfully. “We do. But bonds are negotiable when snacks are involved.”
And from that day on, Pickles the talking cat became the best (and most brutally honest) friend Tim and Sarah could ask for—just as long as they remembered to bring snacks and avoided peanut butter-anchovy casseroles.