... and then I wake up from my dream nightmare!

Background Information

I graduated from a state university in 2002 with a degree in Computer Information Systems and a GPA of 3.75.

And for the last 15 years, I have had only one reoccurring dream. That I failed one of my classes and never finished college.

About the Dream

My reoccurring dream almost always plays out the same way.

• I am just doing life (the details are always vague).
• Then all of a sudden I realize that I have not been to class for the majority of the semester.
• Panic sets in because I know that their is an exam or project that is coming up, and I am completely unprepared.
• I can't even remember what day of the week I need to go to class, what time class starts, or even which building my class is in.
• I spend the rest of the time in my nightmare running around campus trying to figure out all of the details.

When I wake up, I am completely exhausted and still questioning whether or not I graduated from college.

What Do I Fear?

If I were a therapist trying to assist a patient with the same dream, I am sure I would say that there is some type of unaddressed fear - FEAR OF FAILURE.

What amazes me is that I am placing a sense of failure on an event in my life that I view as successful. I had a high GPA and a diploma to prove my academic success.

So maybe the bigger question is, "What has academic success accomplished in my life?" Very little!

• I studied to be a computer programmer, and I have never programmed professionally.
• The jobs that I have had for the last 12 years (teaching conversational English overseas) has little to do with my major.
• Having returned back the United States, I find myself stuck between both worlds, feeling qualified for neither.

But Academics Does Not Define Me

Growing up academics was the best way that I knew how to communicate my value to other people. I was not a jock. I was not especially musically talented. I was not brave and adventurous. But a lot of people thought I was SMART.

But those self defining moments have not served me well. Those certificates have not proved as valuable as I had hoped.

As I have aged, I have realized that academics (at least in the traditional sense) are not as important as knowledge and wisdom.

I wish that as I child someone would have taught me to think, not just taught me to learn.

• Think outside the box
• Think from the perspective of other people.
• Think through the consequences of my actions.
• Think on behalf of others who are in need.

Wisdom and Knowledge

My desire is to strive for wisdom and knowledge, not just for the sake of acquisition but more importantly for the sake of application.

How does the information I have learn and the experiences I have been through lead me to living a better for myself and those around me? I am tired of the theory. I want to embrace the practice.

I am not defined by certificates. I am not defined by academics. But I am defined by how I live my life.

I pursue greater things than myself. I must even when I don't want to. I pursue Truth and Life!

Conclusion

I hope that someday, this nightmare will dissipate. That it will leave me!

But until then I will let it be a reminder of who I am and who I want to be.

Image Source:
https://pixabay.com/en/lowkey-sleep-portrait-dark-dream-2572915/