Five steps to independence

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Include a healthy egoism and do not try to raise self-esteem at the expense of someone else's approval.

Sometimes we do what we don’t want, just to not upset others. Some are so masterly mastered the art of pleasing that they themselves no longer understand why they feel discomfort. After all, they have long ceased to pay attention to their own needs.

The reason for this behavior is simple: we all want to be like, we expect approval, love, and care. But the root of the problem is low self-esteem. It encourages us to perform energy-intensive, unusual actions for us, refusing our own comfort in favor of the convenience of other people.

These five steps will help you to recover.

Step 1

Allow yourself to be yourself.

If you are calling for a football match, and you hate sports, but agree, as this can strengthen your friendship or romantic bond, you will leave yourself. Be honest with yourself and with inviting. Admit (first of all to yourself) that you do not like this idea. Pretense and the desire to do something pleasant will sooner or later turn against you.

During our first meeting with her husband, he absolutely did not interest me in a romantic sense, I perceived him as a friend. I didn't care if he liked me. I did not try to seem better than it actually is. No masks, no reservations or hints. He saw me real and eventually fell in love. People are attracted by sincerity! Sarah Fabian, coach

Be yourself ok. There are no perfect people, and you are no exception. But your weaknesses make you unique. Stay true to your thoughts and emotions. Live your life.

Step 2

Stop evaluating yourself through the lens of public opinion.

Almost everyone knows the fear of public speaking. Most people feel insecure when they go on stage, as they care more about what the audience thinks about them than about the message they want to convey.

In search of approval from others, we turn into their hostages. But we cannot control their feelings, thoughts, and actions, but we bear full responsibility for ours.

When I realized that the opinions of others did not determine me, I felt free. Some see me as a smart and talented person. Others think that I am a mediocre or even useless speaker. For some, I am beautiful. For others, no. Everyone has their own standards of beauty and intelligence, and this has nothing to do with me. Sarah Fabian

Do what you can and how you can, cultivating every day. Love and approve yourself — you don’t need others for this. You can not please everyone, no matter how much effort you make. The opinion of other people about you is nothing but their perception, filtered through their own expectations and prejudices. You are beautiful and worthy of happiness, not because others think so, but because once you decide to believe it.

Step 3

Establish adequate boundaries with the outside world

One of the most difficult things on the road to inner independence is the ability to say what you wouldn’t want to do without feeling selfish, guilty, or overly concerned about the interlocutor’s reaction.

At work, I used to often agree to perform tasks that were not part of my duties and required time, which I did not have. But once I decided to give up and see what happens. Surprisingly, nothing happened. I just started talking out loud about my needs, and nobody was against it.Sarah Fabian

Realize that you say no to the task or proposal, and not to the person, rejecting it. In fact, you can not disappoint anyone. People give up on their own expectations of you. And this is their responsibility, not yours.

When you agree or reject a request that gives you discomfort, you form the attitude of others to yourself. And decide for yourself whether to allow anyone to use you. And make it a duty to entertain people and make them happy.

Whenever you give time to others, you give them a part of your life. So spend your precious time on people who support you and accept as you are. The establishment of boundaries in a relationship may seem to be a manifestation of selfishness. In fact, it is a form of self-respect and self-care.

Step 4

Learn to speak confidently.

Sometimes it’s hard to say no just because you don’t know how to express yourself clearly and confidently. And fear that it may sound aggressive or impolite. Learn to refuse without offending anyone at the same time.

Here are some simple formulations to start with:

• Right now (this week / this month) I can't do it.
• I have too many other things to do now.
• Thank you for the invitation, but I can not at this time.
• I can not go with you, but then be sure to tell me how it all went.
• Perhaps another time. I will be glad to invite next week.
• Sounds great, but no, thanks.

Step 5

Become your best friend.

Stop expecting other people to make you happy and guess your needs and desires. Put yourself in priority. Do what brings you joy.

To love yourself as a person is not egoism, but a necessity. Get rid of negative evaluative statements about yourself: “I'm stupid,” “I'm too fat,” “I'm spoiling everything.” Treat yourself with dignity and respect. Then praise from the outside will become an organic bonus, and not a life goal.

Just realize that the only person who is always present in your life - day and night, year after year - is yourself. And when you are in a harmonious relationship with yourself, you do not need other people to fill holes in your own self-esteem.