Over the weekend I posted a video where I talk about hitting rock bottom - a very unstable, manic place leading to self-destructive thoughts of ending my life. While I had been at this sense of dissolution before, I had never before felt so committed to taking action. What I didn't mention in detail and clarity is was what I have come to realize from reaching such a low mindset.
See I have learned it is common for most people to live unaware of themselves --unaware of their needs, wants, and values. We are very moldable. Our thoughts are easy to manipulate if you think about it. From the day we are born to the point we are now, we have so much information to assimilate - to interpret and integrate - into our lives. And a lot of this data, whether useful or not, we store it and it's working for or against us all of the time...mostly unknowingly. Yes, unconsciously.
So to discover oneself - to be aware of oneself - is a process; a process of internal observation, of questioning internal thoughts and external reactions, of peeling layers of impressions, of learning new paradigms, experiencing pain and change. We must do this to reach a semblance of oneself. I use 'semblance' because the journey of self-discovery takes T.I.M.E. (©Jadoa Tai Alexander -- Total Inner Maintenance Ecstacy.) And it seems that time, for the majority of people, is a commodity less spent on self and more onto others and other activities.
How do you spend your time? Well, I'll tell you how. How you spend your time is determined by what you value the most. How do you know what YOU value the most? Well, you need to spend time thinking about it. But I will say, what you value shows up in what you do day-to-day and the people you share your time with. What do they reflect? If you don't like what they reflect, then it's time to re-evaluate your values and needs.
So, I'll tell you what I value. Let's start there. I'll use a numerical list to show from high to low what my value HAS been:
- Relationship to Partner- Emotionally and Physically (affection, intimacy - A LOT of energy spent in this area)
- Relationship to Children - Emotionally
- Relationship to Self - Emotionally
- Relationship to Self - Intellectually (Self-Education)
- Relationship to Self - Health
- Relationship to Others -Family and Friends
- Money -How I Spend, How I Save, What I do for Money
This was my value list two years ago. In fact, I would say it's been my list for at least 14 years. As time passed, events occurred that showed me that my #1 value was not rewarding or pleasant. It wasn't aligned with feelings of joy, quality, love. Now, why is that? Well, I would say I was attached to the idea if I made X happy then I will be happy. There's actually an 'F" ton of inaccurate beliefs attached to that value with the mindset I had at the time. I'm just listing one for the sake of example.
Sound the alarm. That's not a beneficial act to oneself now, is it? What are the cons? Lack of self-awareness: needs, wants; lack of self-worth and confidence, and I'm sure a slew of other concepts. Well, I had to learn from my mistake. And like many, I continued on the make the same mistake again. I applied the same hierarchy of values (at least with #1 value) in my second long-term relationship. Well, wouldn't you know it...it was a fail the second time around too.
So, what I learned was that values change and shift based on my willingness to grow. Or in other words, push through the pain to take action to make a change in my life. Look, this is a very simplified process of what really occurs. It's f&^ing messy. Not only is it filled with severe grief, there's an explosion of anger (usually externally directed but severely displaced), and let's not forget confusion. Oh, boy, do we just enjoy wallowing in confusion. Yes, there are so many stages. The choice to make change is a difficult one and even harder when someone else made the choice for you! It all can suck. It sucks because the focus becomes NOT having what you are used to having even if it's terrible for you! Or not having what you expect to have.
We dislike pain of the new and unknown so much that we are willing to sacrifice what we want for the comfort of pain we're used to.
In 2017, my value list changed.
- Relationship to Self - Emotionally
- Relationship to Self - Health
- Relationship to Children - Emotionally
- Relationship to Self - Intellectually (Self-Education)
- Sex for Pleasure (Honestly this is a floating Value -- I'll keep it real)
- Money -How I spend, How I save, What I do for Money
- Relationship to Others -Family and Friends
This seemed to work very well for me until...until....guess what....the dynamic shifted at the end of the year. And it shifted in so many ways with regards to Money, Self, and Relationship to Partner (which was NOT on the list as you can see). So, guess what happened...someone threw gasoline into my embers of passion, a man, oh yea...and what did I start to do?!! I started to bring Relationship to Partner back onto the list (unknowingly) and it started - very rapidly - going up the list! Like way too fast. My mentor, Hugo Roele, often reminds me, "Sometimes we go back to using old strategies". Ummm, yeah. That strategy didn't prove very successful at all yet I was beginning to apply it again.
So, I'm not saying that I wanted to kill myself over a man. No! Not at all. There's so much more that is not being said here about my children and their experiences, the changes with the business, what I desire with the business, what I have to do to grow my income, support my home, etc. etc. What I am describing here, is how easy it is to FLUX and how easy it is to GO BACK to old ways of thinking and doing things that are not in alignment to what we want to achieve in our life. WHY? Because we need to reset and rethink what we VALUE the most. We need a check and balance system!
By the way at the end of 2017, I re-defined my list to look like this:
- Money -How I spend, How I save, What I do for Money
- Relationship to Self - Intellectually (Self-Education)
- Relationship to Self - Health
- Relationship to Self - Emotionally
- Relationship to Children - Emotionally
- Sex for Pleasure
- Relationship to Others -Family and Friends
When my thinking and my actions did NOT align with the list above. I lost my mind! I literally lost my f%$ing marbles. I wanted to GIVE UP! So, with that being said. Where are you? What do you notice? Where do you place your values? Where do you place your time? What do you want different in your life and what is stopping you from having that?
As always, if you don't think you can do it alone, find someone that can support you. And again, you can reach out to me. Sincerely. Just remember, the change - the action - comes from you. I can't do it for you. I can only guide your mindset. With love.