I am publishing a large part of my journal.
This first section covers some of my time at Porcfest 2017. It is over 10 pages in length.
In general, names have been changed or removed. Some information has been removed or clarified.
This is a more full view of my book Reign of Terror from my last post.
Friday, Porcfest, New Hamphshire 2017
………….
[The first lecture was about helping the poor. I took notes and looked over the books at the table at the end. A man was there at the front, watching me look at the books. I saw that man several times during later lectures. He often asked questions during the Q/A period, and while he seemed to be generally interested, did not seem to have an in depth knowledge of the movement.]
As I was walking out of a class, he came up to me, noticing the copious notes I was taking. He introduced himself as Brian Andrews. He told be briefly about himself. He is a writer. His background is in medicine, although he never practiced. He wrote two scholarly papers about how religion is the result and reflection of people trying to sooth a childhood trauma. He is an atheist. I told him I was moving to NH looking for a job at Bensonwood. I was in manufacturing. He asked why a girl would be into that. I hadn’t really thought, “Hey, I’m a girl, what should I do.” I just always loved designing and building, and I wanted to learn timber frame building and design multipurpose furniture to make housing more affordable for the poor. He perked up at that.
We talked a little. It seemed strangely easy to talk to him. He lingered on, picking out a few more pieces of info. “Can you stay and talk a little longer or do you have somewhere to go?” I ended up talking to him for 40 minutes. It was during Seth Hipple’s lecture. I can’t remember everything we said… I said I liked to listen to Tom Woods and Stephan Moleneux. I mentioned I was a Christian. He seemed concerned he had just been insulting, and hedged his argument in his papers as saying that childhood traumas had made some beliefs more appealing than others. We exchanged emails, and he said he would send me his papers. I found him intelligent, and rather academic. He is Jewish, ………….. He said perhaps we would come up with some other questions for each other. And we went our separate ways.
The next time I saw him he seemed discouraged. I explained I had not read his papers because I wasn’t on the local wifi. He left, and I didn’t see him for a while. Then I ran into him again. He told me he had heard a really great talk on turning on the liberty curious. He was really enthusiastic about it. [It did not appear to be sincere enthusiasm. -2/13/20] I said he should send me some of their videos. I pointed out Lynn, who had just finished speaking. I said I regretted not being in her lecture. I told him she was The Dread Pirate Robert’s mother, and told him a little bit about the significance of the case. He was shocked and said DPR had tried to kill someone, and I responded that charge was only used to gain pre-trial advantage, and was dropped and never defended in court. I told him even though the Silk Road was used to sell drugs, and those may be harmful, it was still a really significant point in humanity, doing something we had not previously been capable of doing--creating a truly free market. I also noted her talks were about how the judge made up new definitions to the laws to convict DPR, and there was good reason to question whether judges should be able to that. It was like making Craigslist responsible for what people on Craigslist do. He said he would be sure to attend next year.
Brian followed me as I walked. Tonight was the Liberty Ecclesia game night. I wanted to attend. He apologized for coming off as insulting towards my religion. I said it was fine. I appreciated people disagreeing for rational reasons. He said he wondered why a rational person such as myself had become a Christian. I told him how I had been saved when I was four. I was very resistant at first. My parents would talk about it all the time. But I didn’t want to be involved. I protested having to pray with the rest of the family when I was three, since I wasn’t even a Christian. But I became convinced that they were right and I was wrong. I hadn’t had the opportunity to study all the apologetics for it. (He knew what that term meant.) But I believed it was genuine. It became a part of me—a very important part, and it shaped how I thought and what my values were. It was only when I got a little older, around age 9, that I begin to understand the other reasons for it. I could see that there was good evidence. I’m still not sure of everything. He asked if I was a believer in evolution. I said I had yet to be convinced. I believed in natural selection. “That’s evolution.” He said. I told him that I didn’t believe that all species originated from one, and that natural selection reduced complexity in the genetic code, and didn’t build on it, and when I’d heard expert evolutionists try to defend it, Richard Dawkins thought it might be aliens. ………….
He started to explain his papers. He said that the thought of hell was so traumatizing that anyone presented with it cannot think rationally. [Another thing he said was that children could not hide their thoughts. He seemed to want me to understand this. -2/13/20] I said the one most important rule for me is to tell myself the truth. He continued that if people only bring out the thumb screws, people would break. Imagine a child watching a video showing their parents being dragged screaming down into hell. Children are so warped by this, this is why people are biased towards this. I countered that if the trauma could alter my beliefs so that I could be wrong, and there was no way to tell, then how could I trust my capacity to reason to even know if the trauma was affecting it? He backed off a little, saying it didn’t completely rob me of my ability to reason. I came up with a counter argument. Global warming was an example of something with dire consequences if action was not taken. To tell children that the polar bears will die and all of humanity will come to an end might upset them, and might induce them to believe, but global warming still might be true. Even if people are influenced by the appeal to force argument, the conclusion might still be a reality, just not proven by those means.I was leaning on the side of the men’s restroom. It was on the way to the Liberty Ecclesia, so we had stopped there for him. He asked me if I’d ever had a conversation on the lentil of a men’s restroom. I stepped away so he could have a little privacy. When he came out, he had a counter argument.
It started to rain, so we found shelter between the bathroom and the office, on a bench in a covered ally. I mentioned Stephan’s aversion to child abuse, and how his main point was this is what messes up humanity. (aka spanking.) He asked me if I had been spanked, noting that I did not have to answer if I was not comfortable. I told him I was from about 3-7. “What do you think about corporal punishment now?” I froze for a minute, trying to regather my thoughts. I said that Stephan’s arguments were good, but not solid. I wasn’t sure either way, but to avoid the possibility of hurting a child, I decided to just find other ways. He asked about the reasons why I became a Christian. It was hard for me to remember, because of how far back. But I was a rebel. When I became a Christian I changed. I saw God and the others as the good guys and me as the bad guy, and I didn’t want to be that way anymore. He became quiet. I asked him if he was reflecting on what I had said. He said he had thoughts, but he had held them back, saying he could tell me if I wanted. I nodded. He said he thought what had happened to me was wrong. He thought the timing of when I was abused and when I was saved was interesting. He didn’t think four year olds could think clearly about these things. They were too vulnerable, easily manipulated, and connected to and dependent on the parents. It was a coercive environment. I said that I saw spanking in my childhood as supplemental. My parents never spanked me out of the blue, it was only if I did something intentionally wrong. And they always explained their reasons. And if I objected to something they did, after I obeyed, I could go to them and explain that. And when I did, they would listen, and sometimes they even apologized and changed. There was respect and trust. And I thought I had a great childhood. He recognized that some environments were better than others.
Our conversation became quiet, but it was a rich warm silence. I stared off into the rain. He liked the smell of the campfires. I said there was a strange smell around this place. I was concerned what it might be since I didn’t know what pot smelled like. He was shocked. "Did you even go to college?" I commuted I told him. He asked me what I did. American Sign Language. He wondered why. I did it in high school, and was good at it, so I figured I’d do that for a living, but once I got there and really looked into the profession, I saw that it wasn’t for me, and just got a certificate. I liked the language and the culture, but I didn’t know what I was doing so I just went home. “You are always working with your hands.” I laughed. I said I wanted to become an engineer. I said that …………. was a strange backwards place. I mentioned I had had my own apartment for a little while. I mentioned I thought that society might go downhill. He groaned at that, asking me in which way I thought it would be undone. I said I thought it might be economically. He didn’t want to move to NH, but he currently lives in MA. I asked him why. He had been living in …………., but his dad got sick, so he stayed close by enough to be with him, but far enough away to not bother him. He was renting from someone and just ended up staying there. He liked the cold less and less though. I asked him what made him a libertarian. He said Rand’s works. He asked how I could be a Christian where I have to follow rules and a libertarian at the same time. I told him about the Bible and how I had come to the conclusion myself. I said the Bible controlled those things that were morally significant. And it made sense that we would get our understanding of how to be from the one who created us. And I appreciated both the meticulous devotion and the freedom for things that were not morally relevant. Everyone can create themselves, and can have a voice. It is like a relationship. If one were to completely define the other and smother them, it would not be a relationship anymore. It would just be a person and a puppet. So I would be depriving God of me if I practiced self-erasure. The idea that I could go to another planet and do whatever I wanted was thrilling. And giving that to other people, having infinite possibilities and variety made me happy. I would rather have a weak faith in a true God than a strong faith in a false one.
I noted it was bed time. Brian volunteered to walk me to my tent. This made me nervous, but at a certain point we said good night. He hugged me, said it felt good, and went in for another hug. “No thanks.” I ducked and gently diverted him. He laughed and asked if I would see him tomorrow. “Possibly, or absolutely.” I nervously confirmed, said good night, and we parted. It was incredibly easy to open up to him. It made me feel all warm and cozy. But just in case I did not go directly to my tent.
Saturday
The next morning, I was approached as I ate applesauce from my car seat by a bald white man who called himself Smith. He came directly to me. He seemed on edge. His body language said he was ready to pounce, but his eyes said he was afraid. He asked me if I was here all alone, and said his campsite was a swamp, but mine was dry. He asked a few questions about where I was from, and what I was doing here. I told him I used to do sheet metal. He said he was an engineer. When I asked him what he built, he hesitated and shrugged, and said lathes and mills and things [liar, but an interesting choice for a lie when I had just told Brian I wanted to become an engineer. -2/13/20], then said he made the equipment that made drills for oil drilling. He said a lot of the money went to managers and not the engineers, so he quit his job and started a grass mowing company. I said some people do both (engineering and managing.) He told me about the collapse of the dollar and how that was a concern of his. I asked him what his politics were, and he said he didn’t have any, but maybe anarchy. I told him about the alt expo. He asked, with striking curiosity if I was a programmer. I don’t him no, I wish. He asked if I had looked at the sheet metal facilities in the area, and I said I love sheet metal but I would love to do other things as well. He asked me where I was moving to. Southern NH. What town? Mmmm… I didn’t tell him the town. As I locked up and started to walk away, he asked me if I was open to new things. [The way he asked that sounded suggestive. -2/13/20] “Some things.” That guy gave me the creeps. He feels like a predator, and thinking about what he said, he knew a lot about my conversation with Brian. I wondered if people were hacking into my phone, or had overheard the tail end of our talk last night. But if he just overheard, how did he know where my tent was? This bothered me.
As the day went by, I didn’t see Brian. I wondered if I had upset Brian, or embarrassed him, and if he would not be back. The festival seemed strangely empty without him. It was later in the afternoon that I saw him. He was in the Agora at the bitcoin wallet site, talking with another man I recognized as a doctor. He waved and called out to me, as if no worries were on his mind. I came over. I felt off. I wasn’t sure where this was going. I stood by as the man at the booth tried to draw me in, not knowing what to do with myself as Brian and the doctor kept talking. “You can take her with you!” The doctor told Brian. “She can do whatever she wants.” The doctor was showing him some app using bitcoin. After Brian wrapped up his conversation with him, he went to buy some food at an adjacent vendor. He asked if I wanted anything, but I wasn’t hungry. We started to walk, and he asked me in a rushed tone what I did today. I told him the first class I went to, Mental Health Crisis Response. He looked up in shock. “What made you want to go to that?” I told him when I used to read the news, one common problem was cops killing mentally ill people. They would corner them, trap them, threaten them, and demand things from them, and the people in crisis would be so overwhelmed they would not be able to comply, and the cops are basically out murdering people. Brian turned away when I said “corner them” and groaned. He asked if they said what to do if the person had a weapon. I said that was more Dale Brown’s territory. He asked what their techniques were, and I listed listening, validating their feelings, asking permission to do things for them, reducing sensory input and calming techniques. He told me he had heard Dale Brown say that when cops start out, they don’t know anything. They don’t even understand their own guns, or how they work or their capabilities. He said he had been meditating for an hour every day for the past four years. He wondered if cops were racist or not, if they acted with malicious intent. It was like he wondered what I thought about it. [The way he spoke it was like he was personally effected by the idea of shooting someone, defensive by explaining a new police officer's inexperience, and sympathetic towards his own trauma by explaining the lengths he went to to care for his mental health. He also seemed sensitive to the image of police, and to want me to approve. He was not direct in his language, but couched his meaning in contextually acceptable and relevant topics. -2/13/20] I didn’t say, but it isn’t as big a deal as cops actually killing people. He said he heard Dale Brown say that cops who are good have a hard time. I mentioned how I had heard how good cops were terrorized for turning in the bad ones. (Later I thought we were both thinking different things about what "good cop" meant.)
Then he asked about the next class. I didn’t memorize the itinerary. But I had gone to two threat management classes. I mentioned he was doing a franchise soon, and that was something I was really looking forward to. I recounted to him when Dale was speaking in the tent and they told him he was too loud and shouldn't use his microphone anymore, and so he got down into the crowd, and only seamed more excited to share with us what he had to say. Brian looked back at me with a grin. "He clearly isn't doing this for the ego." "It's a balance." Brian shot back, sounding a little hurt. [He identifies strongly with ego. Characteristic of narcissism. -2/13/30]
I told him I went to Health Freedom at lunch, which was put on by the alt expo, but I said I was in general disappointed with them. They have a better strategy, but the people actually implementing their strategy well are out here with the rest of us. I told him about swarm city and bitcoin, and explained how these things built on the strengths of the silk road, and how the central point in the silk road constituted a weakness, because it relied on a person. Bitcoin will always be there. You cannot eradicate it. I explained the nature of a contract via code. Brian said if he were starting over, be would learn code, because that is where it is at. I told him about mesh networks, and how there is no backbone to the internet to surveille. He got worried about that. [Who would be worried about that? -2/13/20] He wondered if it could be stopped before it got off the ground, if these things could be seen from satellites, and if cops could go door to door. I told him it would not be cost effective to do that. He wondered if it became illegal what would happen. I thought the nature of the thing would make it hard for cops to take it away, because people could warn each other. I said I knew the government would want to stop it, but that that is because they want the power imbalance. He seemed concerned. "You are going to do this?" I nodded. He paused for a moment. “You and I both know, we know, that they do very bad things to people who do this sort of thing.” … “That’s okay.” I responded. Another pause. “Alright.” [Of course it isn't okay to do bad things to people. But you have to do right and risk the consequences. Mesh networks are legal, which by definition should mean you are allowed to do them. Protecting free speech and privacy are necessary in preventing tyranny.]
I told him one reason I felt safe about this method of doing things was that it was creating the alternative to the current gov problem, and that as people chose it, the government would become smaller by attrition. I gave the example of taking down big agro by growing food in your lawn. When you grow it, you exempt yourself. You can get your neighbors involved and make it more efficient. And the more people do it, the weaker the big organization becomes. Just as in any business, when one fails, there is a short term problem for the people in the company, but the whole economy is better off, and those people in that position can get similar jobs in the new environment. He smiled at me, a gleam in his eye. [If he thought I was appealing to his particular circumstance, that shrinking the gov wouldn't mean he would have no future career, it would fit his knowing glance perfectly. -2/13/20] So it is not like we see problems with big agro so we shut it down, and now we have no food and everybody starves. The way out is building the alternative. He smiled. “I”m in.” He said reassuringly. He said he was really excited about bitcoin when it first came out. If only he had invested a little more in it. I didn’t think there would have been any way to predict the current prices. He noted the recent talk saying it could all collapse come August. I said it was a good thing Bitcoin was going through all of this early on. We wouldn’t want to all get enthralled with this new technology, get dependent on it, and then all suffer the problems or collapse together. We needed to give it as much harsh treatment in the beginning to work out all the bugs. If it doesn't work, maybe some other crypto currency will.
He insisted on buying me food, despite the fact I repeatedly declined. I sat there and didn’t eat it. [First attempt at collecting biometrics. -2/13/20] I was trying to understand why he was so afraid of mesh networks. Is he a cop? I just sat there. He asked me a few questions, like if I had considered living in Boston. I had not since after my searching I had found Bensonwood, and it was too perfect, so I had to try it. He said I was still young, and thought I suppose that I’m just all kinds of malleable. I said I had always lived in small towns, so I didn’t think of living in a big city. Perhaps if I made enough money. He asked if I had any. He ate quietly for a moment, and then told me personal things about his life, about his mother dying of cancer and working on her estate. I ate nothing, but he still had me carry the bowl. The unschooling class was coming up. I told him a little about where I used to work, and why I left. “Sounds like the last straw.” He sounded disinterested.
The lecture was very good, but I felt stressed. I wasn’t sure of him. I took only a few notes. Then I resolved to ask him directly about his attitudes. After the lecture, he was about to head away, and I asked him, and he said he was just being very pessimistic about the possible success. He seemed bothered. Concerned. [I think there were moments he wasn't happy he turned me in. I don't think he would have if he thought it was his choice. He seemed to see me as a possible serious relationship. -2/13/20] I talked to him a little bit about Elon Musk’s anti motivational video I love, about how even if the odds are very low, if it is important, you still have to try, and that fatalism was helpful. He told me Elon Musk took a bunch of money from the government [He seemed eager to try to discourage me. His method was to smear the character of the person I admired. It seems to me he thought he could help me by discouraging me. -2/13/20], and I said he wasn’t an anarchist, just an environmentalist. “It’s worth trying.” He still didn’t seem to like the idea. We went for a walk and talked more. I had wanted to hear the next lecture, but it wasn’t a big deal.
[This may have been when we went to …………. table. I don't remember if this was Friday or Saturday, but as it was getting dark, I was walking with Brian, and he said there was a table he wanted to check out that had beer. We looked for the number. It was …………. table, from ………….. …………. was there. As we approached, …………. stepped away, in some sort of turmoil, sipping his beer. Brian started acting like a car salesman, telling me about their organization's new vision and what they are doing, and directing the walleyed man sitting at the picnick table to tell me more about it. He had a mustache that curled up at the edges, and complied. I listened and then walked away with Brian. [Apparently this organization was taken over and is now a trap for activists. …………. expression suggested he was horrified at leading someone to his table. I remember …………. was a good and effective organization, and then I heard about them less, and now apparently they have changed their tactics. I shouldn't have to point out what an anathema to America it would be for the FBI to be running a political organization. -2/13/20]]
The bald man I had spoken to this morning who called himself Smith was sitting behind me. Brian had his arms crossed, and his sock covered feet propped up on the chair in front of him. [This was a dramatically different demeanor. He was putting on swagger.] There was a man there who took my picture against my will. …………. I later learned was his name. I held my notebook up over my face but he insisted I put it down and look forward so he could get a “profile shot.” His words. I said no thanks, but he insisted. Brian reassured me it was okay, and that this was the guy who gave the talk he liked. I still didn’t comply and put my head down. He just ducked his camera and took the picture anyway, and said he wouldn’t bother me anymore, showing the disgusting picture he took. “That’s horrible.” I told him. […………. did something harassing although he clearly did not want to. He appeared to be a coerced informant. Considering he was a play boy photographer, it fits perfectly with the sexual predator nature of narcissists. This is further attempts at getting my biometrics. -2/13/20] Brian asked, as if he were mocking me, "aw, do you feel like your privacy [was] invaded?" [He acted like he was trying to gin up sadistic excitement, deliberately malicious. It was totally out of character from the sensitive thoughtful person I had been speaking with. -2/13/20] I told him I had noted that people who don’t respect boundaries are not real libertarians, and it is telling of what kind of person they are. I told him I was irritated. That was disrespectful. And I know the way libertarians think. Privacy is very important to us. A guy came up to me afterward to say he saw what had happened to me and thought it was terrible, and the worst thing he’d seen at porcfest. I agreed emphatically. [Brian was scanning the environment. -2/13/20]
I continued explaining to Brian as we walked away that I had received a lot of unwanted attention, and that there are many creeps who will take what they can get, and as a girl, I have to be especially careful. I do that on purpose. He said some guys were just desperate to get a girlfriend. [Sympathetic with creeps? -2/13/20] We talked about loving dogs, and what it was like for me to lose them. Several times Brian had walked up to some dog he saw to pet it, even if it was out of the way. [I had been friendly with a dog at a neighboring tent. Brian could be associating himself with something I like to make himself more appealing to me. He also said something about kissing dogs on the mouth... -2/13/20] I ranted about how horrible the condition of narcissistic psychopath was, and how tragic abusive relationships were. He had some staple response about childhood trauma. His voice was flat and numb. [Perhaps he identified with my description. -2/13/20] He said he was a vegan, and made me wait as he remembered some joke he heard about it.
He asked if he could hold my hand, and then reached out to grab it. I did not protest. I told him I liked him, that as my father would say, "gentleness is power under perfect control." He shot back with "nobody's perfect." [He admitted he was not characterized by gentility. If he was defensive, perhaps it is because his brutality is not well under his control. -2/13/20] I let him know I wasn’t looking for a relationship. Christians were not allowed to have binding relationships with non-believers, because it would pull us in different directions. And if we had kids, I would not want them to go to hell, and he would not want to abuse them by telling them there was a hell. I joked we might as well start naming them. He thought it was a little premature, since we were just hand holding. "You can never start too early."
He noted I was guarded. I told him I know that about myself. He would be surprised to see me in other contexts. I find him really easy to talk to. I told him the story of [two boys who came to my church asking hard questions to cause trouble, and how I had so much fun answering them but other people in the church became contentious with each other], and how I had gotten into some debates in church and stirred up too much of a controversy. I felt I was not allowed to voice descent, and became afraid of offending.
[A little later in the conversation-] He made a statement about cops, and I responded with "Protect and serve themselves." He turned away upset. We chatted about the corrupt prison system. I said with how many people were in prison it was like a gulag. He brushed it off, saying it wasn't as bad as Hitler. [Libertarians don't approve of jailing people for as many things as the gov does. His dismissal of that is jarringly callous.] He said he had friend who was a prosecutor, and he was wondering if he should even be friends with people who do such terrible things. I mentioned an article I had read where someone had a job as a prosecutor, defense attorney, and judge, and in each job he was so convinced that if only his profession had more power, everything would be better. [Once again, he is not directly saying what he is really saying. He seemed to be worried that I would not be friends with him if he as a cop does so many terrible things, but said it in such a way he did not admit to being a cop. -2/13/20]
After that it was the Soap Box Auditions. He handed me his notebook and headed to the bathroom. When he came back he was worried and studied my face. [Fingerprints. -2/13/20] Brian kept trying to force feed me all kinds of things. I told him no, but he even said, “You have to!” [DNA. Also why else would he yell at me that I "had" to eat something he gave me unless he was getting biometrics? -2/13/20] He bought some almond milk, unsealed it in front of me, and poured some out for me. I later asked him why he did that and he said he just thought I should feel like I was welcome to eat something. [That's not a good enough reason to be so determined. The almond milk was vegan and non allergenic, and he unsealed it so I wouldn't think he put something in it. He was eliminating excuses I could give for why I wouldn't want to eat or drink. That is an interesting way he views that situation. -2/13/20] I poured it above my mouth to drink some. He later asked me which can I was eating out of, and I told him the beef ravioli.
After the festivities were over, it was getting dark. He put the notebook in his trunk. [He paused for a moment nervously and asked me "What?" -2/13/20] I walked us over to a well lit pavilion to talk more. He didn’t like that. I went to sit down, and he said it was where he was sitting, so I went to the other side. I said he was trying to sit next to me. I told him about how I had early opinions on free will and culpability that I had formed myself, and how my mother had not objected. I explained that my parents were seekers too. I told him about when an elder at my church, …………. who was an FBI agent (Brian choked on a laugh), had tried to get us excommunicated. [A very giant tell. FBI fits everything I had seen. -2/13/20] I told him what I was almost excommunicated for, which was being an open theist and where it comes from and how it is not widely known or accepted. He was terribly uninterested. I said open theists tend to be very logical. My mom had said it was good that I polarized people, because it made them talk about things that were important. He smiled at that. He set his hand on the table for me to hold and I took it. I said that it was okay to do that. He put his other hand on my hand, then taking it off, wondering exactly where the line was. He asked me why the Bible said it was wrong. I began to explain the theology behind it. The Christian in charge of Liberty Ecclesia came through. Brian took his other hand off mine. “I have to answer for everything I do.” I told him. “To God?” “Yes. I don’t care what they think.” He put his hand back.
[By this time he may have had one beer or less from …………. table. -3/13/20] He wanted to go sit out in the dark. I asked him what he was planning, and he said he wanted to kiss me. I said I love you, but I will hurt you. He insisted he wasn’t going to force himself on me, and he wasn’t in to that sort of thing. That comment was totally void of disgust or tension. [It seemed he was totally not bothered by the thought. -2/13/20] I didn’t want to go. I told him there was no chance that we were going to have a sexual relationship. He stood and tried to kiss me over the table, but I put my hand over his mouth. I told him he did not know me, and the farthest I had gone was kiss a boy on the cheek when I was six. He was shocked and asked me how that was possible. “I was jaded and isolated as a teen, and then I was very independently minded and just didn’t see myself with anyone.” He said this could be special, and insisted he was not there to bed me and only wanted a kiss. [That was not at all the response I expected. He was only thinking about his own desires. Zero thought was given to my sexual life. This doesn't make sense for someone with empathy. This is another trait of narcissists. -2/13/20] I asked if he only wanted a sexual relationship. I realized this was over, and thanked him, and said that this had been a really good escape from, “distractions.” He perked up. He asked if I wanted to tell him what they were. “No, I’m going to make you wonder forever.” I laughed. [I kept the mood light, but was ending the night. -2/13/20] He seemed terribly curious about it and I then reluctantly went to hug him goodbye. As I did, he tried to kiss my neck. [He said "Well maybe just..." -2/13/20] I pushed him away, and waved my finger at him, jokingly, chastising him for not being in the moment and looking for the next thing. He said he’d settle for a hug now, but I was done. No more touching.
I started to walk away and he followed. [He seemed upbeat and persistent. -2/13/20] He asked to hold my hand. "We're not together." He wanted us to walk past the lit tent, and I stopped on the other side. We started to say our goodbyes. He threw in a comment about how my libertarian ideals didn't match with my religion. I gave some adequate response. "Of course it wouldn't be that easy." he said to himself. I was looking forward to reading his papers. He recommended I start thinking of names for our kids. [Given that I had just told him we were not together, it is curious he was thinking that way. -2/13/20 It is also interesting that the fact he had just been collecting my biometrics was no impediment to him trying to have a sexual ( at least kissing) relationship with me. -2/14/20] He leaned in to whisper in my ear and I stepped back in caution. “Looks like I’m really in the dog house.” He told me I looked beautiful in this light, like the actress from the Truman Show (he used her name). I said good bye, and he said that we should rather say farewell. He walked away jovially.---He sent me an email afterwards
Hi Sharon,
I wanted to apologize for being pushy last night. I hope that my behavior wasn't too uncomfortable for you. Obviously, there are a lot of differences between us (in belief, age, location) that could make a serious relationship challenging or problematic. I'm sorry I didn't have more of a friendship orientation last night, which is what I think you were asking and hoping for. Perhaps we can stay in touch as friends going forward.
I was going to apologize in person this morning. I actually came by the campground and started to walk up the hill a bit after 9 a.m. But I saw you in "The Tent" and didn't want to interrupt or create any weirdness, so I figured I'd just send you this email instead.
And as long as I'm apologizing, I'm sorry I wasn't more sensitive to how you were feeling when …………. (I think that's his name) was taking pictures. I guess I was trying to be playful, but he was being intrusive and it was clearly an uncomfortable situation for you, and I should have taken that more seriously. Of course, you have every right to not be photographed.
Actually--this is rather mind blowing--I just searched "…………." to make sure I had his name right, and I saw some links saying he was accused of sexual assault in LA five years ago. Here are the two main links that dealt with that:…………. [My comment: …………. used to be a playboy photographer.]
I have no idea what the truth is in that situation, and I do believe it is too easy for questionable accusations to take on a life of their own, but who knows. In any case, I'm sending you these links so you can see them. I also see that …………. was interviewed on Tom Woods during the last year or two (show no. 900-and-something), and perhaps Tom asked him about this issue. [A backhanded way to say I shouldn't make comments about what he did? -2/13/20]
I was thinking more about your comment last night that you have a lot of inner distractions from the past and present. I got the sense that you might be referring to something very troublesome and serious, something that is really weighing on you and causing you a lot of inner suffering. I may be going completely in the wrong direction with this, but just on the chance that it might possibly be helpful, I was wondering if you were referring to some kind of abuse, sexual or otherwise, which is all too common. (Out of a rather small pool of women that I've ever discussed such things with, I was amazed to learn that three were sexually abused, two of them over a period of years, by their fathers.) If anything of that nature applies, and if you're looking for reading suggestions that might be useful, I can recommend some books. I spent a lot of time reading on trauma, and I came across some that are really fine and helpful (though I'm sure there are other good things out there, too). Of course, I'm willing to talk and brainstorm, as well, if that would help you come up with approaches to whatever you might be dealing with internally. [Childhood traumas could be considered a psychological vulnerability to exploit. As should become more clear later on, a harassment/coercion campaign involves trying to get the target to admit to or show emotional distress. Distress as it relates to sexuality seems to be of particular interest to predators like narcissists. -2/13/20]
At the very least, I want to say that I hope you take seriously whatever is weighing on you--that you don't just "tough it out" and accept inner turmoil as an acceptable status quo but, rather, that you seek out any help you might need. You seem like an excellent person with a lot of fine qualities and you deserve to be happy...and sometimes finding happiness, or even just a modicum of inner peace, does not come by simply or by itself. I know this is true from my own experiences.I hope you don't mind my raising all this, which obviously pertains to very personal matters.
In any case, I hope you made it back to Boston okay, and that your move to NH goes very well.It was special meeting and hanging out with you.
Brian
P.S., when I said to you last night that you looked very pretty, and a lot like a young Laura Linney, I wasn't sure if you knew who Laura Linney is. Here are some photos of her, spanning a number of years (and probably decades): [She is the actress in the movie the Truman Show, where the main character is secretly and constantly recorded, and is surrounded by actors. People under surveillance may be for years or decades. -2/13/20]