10 TIPS FOR GETTING INTO A NEW RELATIONSHIP AND KNOWING YOUR WORTH

10 TIPS FOR GETTING INTO A NEW RELATIONSHIP AND KNOWING YOUR WORTH:

The opinions expressed in this article are the writer’s own and do not reflect the views of Her Campus.

ONLINE-DATING APPS:
A few months ago, I decided to create a dating app profile with good intentions of putting myself out there and looking for a genuine relationship. This could also be titled “What I learned from my personal experience of going on a dating app, and then deleting it.” Now, let me give you a backstory before I begin with the tips.

I’m sure we have all been there at some point, overthinking and looking into the future, getting married, and just feeling pressure to find “the one.” Dating apps have become so popular and normal especially since the pandemic began. Every day, you hear of someone who found love on bumble or met their boyfriend or girlfriend on Hinge. There are many possibilities and opportunities to meet people and have connections, dating apps are just one. So, now back to creating my profile and experience. I was so scared to start talking to people and starting a conversation.

To be honest, I’ve always been a hopeless romantic so that’s why I was so open and putting my all in just hoping for what I saw in the movies to just happen. But, it’s not that easy. Over the course of a couple of months, it did become easy and comfortable. At the same time, it became obsessive and overwhelming. Like… how long can I swipe left on this many people before I give up?

I had a few nice conversations, and also a few awful situations. I learned along the way that you can’t give all your energy to all the people you are talking to online. Recognize you are worthy of love within yourself and continue living your life. Also, there is a huge difference between boys and men. Look for the green flags and keep in mind any red flags and do not ignore them! Anyways, eventually, I deleted the app because I was overwhelmed with some of the situations and people I talked to, which was messing with my feelings and mind.

Maybe, I will download again, but for now, we are on a power trip knowing to never settle because we deserve better. If you are currently on a dating app, have fun, let things happen naturally, and be yourself! Balance is the key. Now, without further ado, here are tips and tricks to remember when getting into a relationship and self-love advice :)

The difference between boys and men:
Men will share your life with you not just look for validation. Men will have confidence and a positive mindset going into a relationship. Men will have conversations about ideas, and the world and not just flirty comments or “hi”. It will be a relationship of both physical and emotional attraction. A boy will give you compliments that are superficial, but men will compliment you on more than that like who you really are and your dreams. Men will get to know you and not just surface-level stuff. Men have respectable goals, values, and self-discipline. They will live in the present, but also have future aspirations. They will take the initiative sometimes and be independent. Men will take responsibility for their actions and love you for who you are.

10 TipS FOR GETTING INTO A RELATIONSHIP:
These tips are some do’s and don’t that the person you are talking to and you should remember for a healthy relationship to flourish.

Be friends first: Questions should be asked and reciprocated when getting to know someone. Listen and learn about their life, passions, and goals. Create memories and get comfortable doing new things! Be yourself.

Communicate and engage in conversation: “How are you?” is a question that can be asked if being genuine and to show you care. Be open and enjoy the conversations and talk back and forth. Get to know each other for who they really are. A few ideas of what to talk about are school, career, shows, music, activities. Just let it flow and keep it going.
Be honest: Be cautious and notice if something they say is a lie or bragging. Remember a fake mask will only lead so far before the connection ends and the true person is revealed. Live in the present but also discuss the future.
Be clear with intentions: Don’t play games or be played. If you feel this way, you are probably right. It can be overwhelming and mess with your mind if you let it. Don’t change for a person or situation. Look for maturity and know what you want and the things the person you are talking to wants. A relationship? Something casual? Make feelings and your interests known.
Share and learn: Discuss common interests and plan events/activities you can do together. Also, be open to accepting each other’s differences and growing. Experience new things together.
Joke around and be a little flirty: Look out for love bombing, there is such a thing as too many emojis and compliments. If they call you babe/baby or any pet names before you meet them that’s a red flag. Look for someone genuine and it should happen naturally and come from a good place. If it’s past 11pm, texting is not appropriate unless it’s a deep conversation.
Give and accept compliments: The likeness should be mutual and for who they really are and each other’s perspective on the world. Compliments are nice but should be on more than appearance because they can be overwhelming/unnecessary. Actions speak louder than words.
Have emotional and physical attraction: Discuss the world, ideas, and appreciate your time together. Show your intellectual side with each other and be open to having difficult conversations. Honestly, I think it’s just a fact, people are more attractive when there is a genuine emotional attraction and connection. Physical attraction is important though for a healthy relationship and affection. But, the second worth is disrespected whoever you are talking to gets way more unattractive.
Express and share feelings: Look out for someone gaslighting and denying everything you say. If something bothers you acknowledge, reflect, and have an open conversation. Stay present, there may be fears but the more you hide them the worse it may get. Express concerns and feelings as they come.
Evolve and grow: Live your life and have passions and goals. Self-discipline, goals, and values are all very important. You should understand what you want first. Be independent and remind yourself of your dreams, and beliefs. What do you want in your life right now?

Never settle, you deserve better:
You have the power, and you can do whatever you want with your life. Protect your energy and continue to practice loving yourself. Write out what you want in a significant other and don’t settle for anything less because you deserve the world. You could have anyone in the world, why are you wasting your time with this boy who doesn’t reciprocate feelings or communicate with you? Ask yourself if you really like them? You already know you are beautiful and have so many amazing qualities. If it’s meant to be they will see the real you and love you for staying yourself. Feel free to share these with any of your guy friends/boyfriend because I know any of this relationship advice can be helpful for anyone. :)

Recognize your worth:
The true beauty is within you. Love yourself first and be open to trying new things and putting yourself out there. Remember all the work you have done on your journey, you are a work of art. You are worthy of love and relationships. So, next time you hear about someone finding “the one” remember YOU are “the one” and the person you get in a relationship with will enhance your life and grow with you. The relationship with yourself is the best relationship you will ever have. Like me, you may have one great conversation with someone, and then start creating scenarios in your mind. But, be true to yourself and continue doing what you love and let it all fall into place. My last piece of advice is to please please listen to your gut intuition, if you feel something trust it!

Swipe less, don’t be a sleaze, do say hello … and 10 more tips to raise your dating game

So much about being single is great: being able to eat, watch and do what you want; independence; no in-laws. But routine can easily turn into a rut, which makes life difficult if you want to find a relationship. We asked the experts how you might go about shaking things up.

Use apps with intention
It is easy to mistake a presence on dating apps with putting yourself out there. Unless you make an effort to meet people, apps can soon become a time-suck.

Annie Lord, a dating columnist for Vogue whose memoir Notes on Heartbreak will be published in June, recommends using them at a particular time, “rather than spending every evening just scrolling”, and making a plan to meet any promising matches as soon as possible.

Many people have profiles just for the ego boost, Lord says. “If you haven’t arranged a date within 48 hours of talking, it’s never going to happen. You can overthink it, or procrastinate. If you’ve had one OK conversation, you should probably just meet them.”

Given that an app is marketing its user base, it also pays to try a few; the Tinder experience – and crowd – is different from the Bumble one, for example. It is also normal, even advisable, to delete and re-download with your changing enthusiasms.

Jo, 45, used apps on and off for about five years after her marriage ended, when she was 34. “I was a bit wary, but I slowly learned that it’s a lot of luck – and not to take anything personally from someone you’ve never met.”

She met someone last year. Her top tips are to limit your activity and take months-long breaks. On her last venture on the dating scene, she swiped for no more than 10 minutes, a few times a week.

If you want a long-term relationship, don’t be afraid to say so. (Posed by models.) Composite: Guardian Design; RyanJLane; LanaStock/Getty Images/iStockphoto Be upfront about who you are and what you want …
It is tempting to try to maximise your matches, or search online for icebreakers or opening lines – but if you are looking for love, it is better to emphasise what is unique about you. (It won’t be your position on Hawaiian pizza.)

Mark Manson, the author of the bestselling self-help series The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, advocates emphasising your quirks to appeal to the 10% of people who will think you are fascinating and fun, instead of downplaying them for the 90% who will think you are merely fine. If you are not sure of your best or defining traits, ask a friend.

The same goes for what you are looking for: if you want a long-term relationship, or to be friends first, don’t be afraid to say so. The only people you will put off will be those who want something different. But emphasise what you do want, not what you don’t want: positive, upbeat profiles get more messages and matches.

Getting a second opinion on your profile doesn’t hurt. Jo says her partner’s profile stood out for its detailed description of his interests, which made it easy for her to ask questions, and several decent photographs (not selfies). “He told me later that a female friend helped him.”

… but be open to being surprised
Logan Ury, a behavioural scientist turned dating coach and the author of How to Not Die Alone, says people tend to fall into one of three categories: the romanticiser, chasing a fairytale; the maximiser, with a checklist, always out for the next best match; and the hesitator, who is seeking reasons not to start looking.

Instead, Ury suggests cultivating a “growth mindset”. If you see each date as a learning opportunity, it becomes less decisive.

Apps make it easy to be overprescriptive about a potential partner, but it is impossible to gauge chemistry or compatibility from a profile. If you are curious about someone, meet them.

“We’re so quick to judge,” says the comedian Katerina Robinson, 28. She ended up matched with a long list of tall, bearded project managers (“my type”) before recently having her horizons broadened by a BDSM enthusiast she met through work. “If you don’t keep an open mind, you’ll always end up dating different versions of the same person and never find out what you actually like.”

Arrange a date that you really want to go on. (Posed by models.) Composite: Guardian Design; MediaProduction; LumiNola; Getty Images/iStockphoto Plan a date that works for you
Pre-pandemic, meeting for the first time for a walk or on a video call would have been exceptional; now, all bets are off. Take advantage and arrange a date that you truly want to go on. (For women in particular, being proactive tends to be rewarded, OkCupid data shows.)

You might find dating becomes less daunting and easier to fit in. “Keep a first date short – and weekdays only. Don’t waste your weekend on a stranger,” says Jessica.

Prefer to test for a spark on a phone or video call before meeting in person? Since lockdown, many dating platforms have introduced calling functionality, so you don’t have to give out your number.

Feel yourself – literally and figuratively
Sensuality might not figure into your life as a single person, even if you have a healthy sex life. Kate Moyle, a psychosexual therapist and the host of the podcast The Sexual Wellness Sessions, says it is important not to neglect the importance of touch – if only your own. “Building on the relationship with yourself and your body is not partner-dependent,” she says. “Take time to touch and explore your body, getting to know yourself and what you like – not just in terms of sexual pleasure, but in terms of sensuality and all-over body touch.”

Not only can this help to build your own body confidence, it can support you in communicating with a new partner, says Moyle.

Ury recommends establishing a pre-date ritual, such as calling a supportive friend or playing a favourite song, to help you approach the date “from a place of optimism and possibility”.

Forget flirting – just say hello
According to a 2020 YouGov survey, only one in 20 Britons in their 20s met their current or most recent partner “out and about” – at a gig, bar or bookshop, for example – versus one in five aged 50 to 64.

The fear of embarrassment and rejection makes swiping across screens much more attractive than approaching strangers in public – yet, for many, an old-fashioned “meet cute” remains the gold standard. Also, if we never return to the office full-time, another time-honoured path to romance will be diminished.

Lord says the direct approach is due a comeback: “I’ve been out recently and managed to talk to guys in bars in ways that I thought didn’t exist any more.” She relates it to the pandemic: “Everyone is so desperate for human contact. If you’re feeling a little bit awkward, it’s all right, because everyone is in the same boat.”

Instead of an obvious come-on, she suggests being friendly and striking up a conversation. “There’s less of a risk factor if you can find common ground that will make it seem less intrusive, and you’re not going to feel rejected if the conversation stops.”

If flirting seems foreign, keep it light, says Jean Smith, a “flirt coach” and the author of Flirtology: Stop Swiping, Start Talking and Find Love: “You’ll soon find it’s not as scary as you imagined. Just go up and say hi.”

If you want to ask someone out, ask yourself: what’s the worst that could happen? (Posed by models.) Photograph: Westend61/Getty Images Worried about being considered sleazy? Don’t be a sleaze
Many men are afraid of asking out women for fear of being seen as sleazy – but if your intentions are not sleazy, and you are sensitive to others and to the situation, it may be worth the fleeting discomfort.

“If you’re really attracted to a woman and think the vibe is right, but you’re scared to ask her out, ask yourself: ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’” says Kieran, 26. “Then walk yourself concretely through that worst-case scenario.”

If it is nothing more than a polite no and some mild embarrassment, he says “shoot your shot – send a DM or ask her for a drink like you’re ripping off a plaster. And if the answer is anything other than a resounding yes, take it as a no – and live to try another day.”

In my experience, the difference between a cynical come-on and a genuine compliment, offered without expectation, is like night and day.

Find a wing (wo)man – or couple
“Everyone has that friend who likes to slightly embarrass you and set you up with people when you’re out,” says Lord. “You’re like: ‘Oh, stop it’ – but secretly grateful.” Also, if it backfires, “you can always put the blame on them”.

Partnered people, in particular, love to hear dating stories. Put them to work by asking them to set you up with a single friend or colleague, or engineer an introduction to a stranger. Combining groups can often be less intimidating.

“Don’t be afraid to be the third wheel,” agrees Aaron, 42. When he went to a bar recently with coupled-up friends, they got talking to another couple, who thought Aaron might be a match for one of their friends. “They tried to get us to do a FaceTime date.”

Know when to work against type
Chemistry and compatibility are not always aligned. If you find yourself consistently attracted to traits that work against you – such as emotional unavailability – it is possible to heal through therapy or self-reflection.

“Try to focus on how you want to feel, rather than fixed attributes or characteristics that you think will make you happy,” says Moyle. Our concept of what is desirable in a partner, and what we should look for, is informed by factors we may not even be aware of, she says. “Considering or challenging these messages could be a really positive thing. In fact, feeling satisfied, intimate and connected may look different to how we imagined.”

Lizzie Cernik, who has interviewed many couples for the Guardian’s How we met column, says it can be helpful to reflect on your “attachment style” – your approach to intimate relationships, established in childhood. “Don’t look for what you want in a partner and try to tick boxes – look for what you need,” she says. “The two can be very different.”

Taking a second bite of the cherry may help you unearth deeper points of connection. (Posed by models.) Photograph: Aja Koska/Getty Images Do the second date
Unless the first date was truly disastrous, Ury is in favour of a second. We tend to see people’s flaws first, which means we may mistake pet peeves for dealbreakers. As for the fabled spark, it is a terrible measure of compatibility, she says: “Chemistry can build over time.”

Making two dates your default minimum helps to unearth deeper points of connection, such as values and long-term goals, and “give more people a chance”, says Ury. How your date makes you feel – understood, dismissed, desirable, drained? – is a better measure than butterflies.

Even after a good date, it is easy to catastrophise about the future. “If something feels good, just appreciate it for what it is and go with it,” says Lord. “Don’t worry about whether they would get on with your family, or are the ‘kind of person’ you could see as your girlfriend. You have to give yourself a chance to see whether you like them. That isn’t leading someone on, or a bad thing to do.”

Know your hard lines
That said, it is helpful to know which lines you won’t cross, such as political differences or ambivalence about children. “Particularly when it comes to shared relationship goals, if you’re not on the same page, it’s unlikely that will change,” says Olivia, 34. “Don’t get too caught up on people who don’t match what you’re looking for – it saves a lot of time and energy.”

Generally, anyone who demonstrates controlling or problematic behaviour, is consistently poor at communicating or does not meet your effort equally “is probably worth walking away from”, Olivia says.

Smith gets her clients to list “five fundamentals” on which they won’t compromise: “It helps you weed out any time-wasters.”

As soon as you are confident that there is no future, it is kind to communicate it, even if you have had only one or two dates. It may be tempting to ghost the person, but Ury says it will only make you feel bad about yourself and depressed about dating. She recommends sending a short, polite message such as: “I don’t think we’re a romantic fit.” (You can lessen the sting of sending it by saving a template on your phone.)

If you receive such a message, Lord says, try not to take it to heart: “There are so many reasons why they might not want to be with you that probably don’t have anything to do with you.” Allow yourself to be excited about your next date: “Life would be so depressing if you didn’t have hope.”

Being able to admit that you want romance is healthy. (Posed by a model.) Photograph: Galina Zhigalova/Getty Images/EyeEm Accept yourself and be vulnerable
It is common for single people to be told to “work on themselves”, or to learn to be content on their own before they go looking for love. But it is perfectly fine to want to be in a romantic relationship as you are.

Sure, you will probably be a better, more secure partner if you have some awareness of your relationship history and patterns. But love is not a marathon for which you have to train, as our societal fixation with self-improvement and personal responsibility can suggest.

Jenny, 25, says longtime single friends, seeking to reassure her, will often labour the advantages of single life. “I think: that’s wonderful for you – but there are days when all I want is a cuddle or someone to make dinner with,” she says. “Being able to admit that you want companionship and romance is healthy and, I believe, helpful when it comes to being single. It’s OK to have those days, as long as you are able to pick yourself up and keep going.”

Jenny says learning to open up and be vulnerable with friends has helped: “Being able to share your wants, desires and goals in life is a huge part of a romantic relationship – but friendships are also a loving relationship, just in a different way.”

Finally, don’t date if you don’t want to
It is easy to feel the pressure – from friends or family, or our couple-centric culture – to “put yourself out there”, but no one gains from you going on dates you don’t fancy. “Only date when you’re enjoying it,” says Alison. “Doing it for the sake of it will zap the joy from your life and take away much-needed energy reserves.”

A break can also bring clarity and perspective. Elena, 32, stopped dating after she realised that she had not healed from negative experiences in past relationships. “I realised that a lot of dating tropes – when do you text them back, when do you have sex with them, how do you not ‘scare them off’? – were triggering for me, so I opted out for a while.”

The pause gave her a chance to appreciate her life. “I’m doing great on my own – and realising that has made dating a lot less stressful,” she says. “Why do I need to find ‘the one’ when I’m quite happy with myself and my life?”

Kayleigh, 30, agrees: “You can be in total control of your happiness, with no compromises. Want to go to the cinema? You can. Fancy a trip away? Book it! Want to eat pizza in your PJs at 11am? No judgment! It’s super-freeing!”

Jen, 37, says: “I’ve done more dining, travelling and embarking on adventures alone in the last two years than ever before.” Being single through the pandemic, she learned to accept all parts of herself, including those she had previously disliked or shied away from. The experience has been life-changing, she says: “I know myself in ways I never thought possible.”

Now, she says, “I would so much rather be solo than in an unfulfilling relationship – when one is single, the possibilities are unlimited”.

Some names have been changed

Psychology Today

Source: Malvestida Magazine/Unsplash

Want to signal to new and established colleagues alike that you are a good collaborator? Here are 10 calendaring moves you can use to communicate that you take others’ needs into account and that you’re willing to pitch in a little extra for the good of the group.

Calendaring is one of those situations where the little things make a big difference in how people perceive you.

Moves That Matter
Present your availability in terms of their time zone, not yours. Doing so signals perspective-taking and an enthusiasm for making their life a little easier.
Present your availability to correspond to times when they’re likely to be available. If you know a colleague has kids and has previously shared how important evening family time is to them, don’t suggest meeting at 5:30 p.m. Honoring their boundaries subtly signals that you’re paying attention to what they value and that you realize your project is by far not the only thing they have going on in their lives.
Reply promptly to requests for your availability. Jenny Lambe, associate professor of communication at the University of Delaware, recommends, “When trying to schedule for multiple people, respond quickly to requests for availability via Doodle or When2Meet.” Doing so enables the scheduler to lock in a time sooner rather than later, which decreases the chances that an otherwise promising window of shared availability will disappear (which might then mean another annoying round of scheduling emails).
For off-site in-person meetings, hold the other person’s convenience in mind when suggesting locations. Dawn Zerbs, co-founder of The Essential Pencil, suggests, “Ask which part of the city they’ll be coming from that day—or even better, ask them what their favorite coffee shop is and offer to meet them there.” Sure, this might mean you have to go out of your way, but doing so communicates volumes about your enthusiasm for working together. At the very least, work to find a place that’s mutually convenient for you both versus assuming they should trek to your neck of the woods.
Invite other options. When you send a scheduling link (e.g., Calendly), invite the other person to let you know if your windows don’t match up with theirs. While it is important to protect your time (e.g., I hold mornings for writing), it is just as important for the other person to protect their time. If your windows of availability don’t happen to align, don’t be the jerk who always insists everyone adjusts their calendars to accommodate you. Offering flexibility when it’s needed signals a willingness and ability to compromise in service to meeting both people’s goals.
Send the calendar invite. This is such a simple gesture that says, “No reason we should both spend the few minutes it would take to get this in our calendars when one of us can knock it out for both.”
Include both of your names in the calendar event title. Doing so enables both of you to know at a glance who will be in the meeting without clicking through to examine the invite list. The calendar entry needs to make sense to both of you, so think about how it will look from the other person’s perspective. Personally, I include three pieces of information: the meeting type (i.e., platform, phone, in-person), the meeting focus (i.e., “get to know,” or a particular project), and meeting attendees (e.g., either the names of the individuals or the working group). My calendar is thus filled with entries that look like this... [PHONE] Get to know: Alice<>Deb.
Thank the admin. Administrative assistants juggle an incredible number of details while navigating shifting sands. An admin who finds you time on a busy executive’s calendars deserves a quick note of thanks. And, when you express your gratitude, you’re also saying that you understand that it takes real humans to make business work.
Ask first. Even if you have scheduling access to someone else’s calendar, ask before you hold time. One of the surest ways to create psychological reactance in another human is to impinge on their autonomy. Imposing yourself on someone else’s time is a huge no-no in my book. Instead, just ask: “Hey, Deb, I’d like to talk for 15 minutes about the Smith account. Would you prefer that I add a meeting to your calendar directly or shall I schedule through you?”
Lighten the cognitive load. Sarah Douville and her team at Academic Progress Intelligence, Inc. maintain a calendar that just shows availability. This is the only calendar they share with external partners, which means people can easily look for overlap in availability as opposed to seeking out gaps in a busy calendar. Douville adds, “As a fully remote team, calendaring has become an important issue for us!”
Caveats and Cautions
While all these calendaring moves send the signal that you’re someone who is easy to work with, a few caveats are in order.

First, I think of these as opening moves, a way to step out on the right foot. After that, I pay attention to whether the other person makes similar moves on my behalf down the line. If I’m always the one accommodating another person, that’s a huge red flag. Quite frankly, I’m not eager to collaborate with someone who is comfortable always being in the receiving role of good deeds.

Second, be cautious of gender and other power dynamics that could be at play. Ladies, you’re not expected to be the organizer. Fellas, step up to the plate. Everyone, genuinely thank others for doing the extra legwork.

Third, the truth is some people really do have less flexibility than others. If you’re one of those poor souls who has to spend eight hours every day in meetings, some of these tips (like trekking to a different part of the city) are probably not going to suit your reality. In that case, just be sure to make a point of noticing and appreciating others’ efforts to make your life a little bit easier.

10 TIPS FOR GETTING INTO A NEW RELATIONSHIP AND KNOWING YOUR WORTH : https://cutt.ly/OAvipFO