Please excuse any punctuation or grammar errors.
It does not start when I wake. No. For that small moment when I open my eyes I am free from thought, eyes wide open and my mind is in harmony with my consciousness. It does not last long. It is a fleeting moment of bliss till thoughts start to flood my mind. My body no longer calm is now full of nervous energy...my day has begun. Everyday is the same. Full of fear and dread. I know that at any given moment at any stage of the day that my anxiety can overpower me. It tears me apart inside knowing that I will start to sweat uncontrollably while talking to someone, confusing them as to why I make an excuse to get away from them. My mind and body is in constant flight mode. Terror can overtake me at any point and high jack my mind...face goes bright red in seconds and sweat pours out of my glands. When not ducking and diving around people I am searching the internet for a cure. Doctors, SSRI's, Cognitive behavioural therapy, therapists, mind tricks, antihistamines. Just please give me a fucking answer to my questions! Where is my self worth? My confidence? Why do I fear every situation? Why do I sit with the TV on just thinking about the worst case senecio that could, but probably will never happen when I go to work in a few hours?
Alcohol is good. Valium/Xanax/Sleeping tablets/Amphetamines/Cocaine, tons of cocaine/Crack/Smoking Heroin to come down from drugs/Extacy/Mephedrone/Crystal Meth/LSD/Mushrooms/2CB/2CB -I/3-FFA...so many drugs I don't even know what I am taking sometimes. Truth is that it does not matter. I need to escape. I need to actually feel something other than fear. I need to feel self worth. Need to feel OK. Need to feel like I want to be alive.
So one day I gave in. The doctors would not give me benzodiazepines so I got them myself. Freedom in a small little pill. My body is relaxed. Anxiety triggers are gone. I can talk to hot girls and now I have girlfriends. I am getting promoted in work, my social status is through the roof. Suddenly I have money from promotions to feed my drug habits, buy cars, rent nice apartments, attract women and feel like I am part of society.
But this is not the beginning, end or even the middle of the story. It is just one small segment in what was to become a fantastic ride to the top and a complete crash to the bottom.