The Twisted Version of 9 Types of Lovers
The rigid person
Saying: Honey, I've planned everything out (well in advance!) and I've laid down the ground rules. Of course, I'm always on time and treat you right, but it irritates me to no end that you can't. I simply don't understand why individuals, including you, are unable to maintain impeccable organization, punctuality, and responsibility. Why don't you strive for personal growth the way I do? And how could you make a mess of the bed in that way when I have the covers in the ideal position for us to engage in sexual activity in a spotless and organized environment? You desire spontaneity? Yes, I can plan that! Please specify the guidelines for spontaneity.
The cure for the perfectionist is to loosen up, make a few mistakes (or a lot!) and occasionally sin. You cannot always be correct.
The donor
Saying: Honey, look what I made for you," she said. Oh, whether you want it or not is irrelevant. After all the effort I've put in, working hard and giving up my life for you, please don't tell me you don't want it. You owe me at least some gratitude for what I've done. You don't require my assistance? However, I exist to serve you! Other than taking care of your requirements, I have no needs. And of course, given everything I do for you (oh right, it turns out that I do), you owe me your time, affection, and approval have requirements after all, and possibly other reasons.) Do you honestly think that my generosity is oppressive and controlling? I can only focus on our connection and your needs when you say something so nasty to me. After everything I do for you (even when it's not requested), why would you want your private space?
The cure for the giver is to spend a lot of time by yourself and to avoid interfering in other people's lives, especially those of your spouse. Keep your distance from the other person and allow them to take care of themselves. You look out for your needs and yourself (which you have plenty of - you are, indeed, the neediest type of all when in your trance).
The performer
saying, "Honey, I worked at the office for 11 hours today, of course, I went to the gym after, and now I'm going to my night business class." I also managed to phone this fantastic shop and set up for a tailor to come and take my measurements for a new suit over my lunch break while working on my new internet project. You desire to interact with me? Let's see if I can squeeze you into my otherwise incredibly packed agenda. Oh, you desire sexual relations? That can be arranged, of course. say June 14th?
I'm wishing for someone to appreciate all I do and to keep me focused on my objectives (or judge me for constantly tagging myself on FB so people can see me). If I don't accomplish a ton of things while also always looking my best, I will never be loved.
The cure for the achiever is to do less, put things off, and feel more!!
The aspirant
A handsome prince from another country will cross the ocean and take me away into the heart of the unknown, and he will love me passionately for who I am, for my uniqueness and talent, and he will adore my pain, and he will feel this pain, and we will merge in pain forever and live happily ever after. I so yearn for that sweet yet riveting, full of light yet hidden, mysterious yet revealing connection... Honey, what's that? You're telling me that you're a real person and that you really do love me right now? Oh, that seems so commonplace; I would much rather return to my dream. (While doing so, it would be wonderful if you earned some cash to cover your expenses.)
I'm thinking: My personal tragedy, melancholy, and this profound sense of abandonment overwhelm me so much that I simply want to go away. I feel so inadequate, lacking, and jealous of what other people have. I'm afraid I might sever my wrists. But first, I'll compose a poem that, when I'm long gone, people will finally recognize, value, and love.
Get real is the cure for the daydreamer. See the joy and brightness in the mundane! Enjoy what you have right this moment. Avoid comparing yourself to others and enviously wishing you had what they seem to have. Be more practical in your approach to life. Dream less and act more. After all, someone has to pay the bills, and it's okay if you do it yourself. Suffering is not the sole profession for artists; they are permitted to earn money as well.
The pondering
Speaking of sex, did you know that although the largest brain-imaging study of its kind has shown certain sex-specific patterns in both men and women, overall there seem to be more similarities than differences. The research work raises intriguing issues regarding how gender-specific changes in brain structure may affect intelligence and behavior. Even after accounting for men's bigger average body sizes, brain scientists have observed for decades that male brains typically have a little higher overall brain volume than female ones.
However, it has been notoriously difficult to determine precisely which brain substructures are more or less voluminous. Large-scale generalizations cannot be drawn from most studies because they typically examined fewer than 100 brains, which is a relatively small sample size. In a recent study, a group of researchers under the direction of psychologist Stuart Ritchie, a postdoctoral fellow at the University of Edinburgh, used information from UK Biobank, a long-term, ongoing biological study of people in the United Kingdom with 500,000 participants. A portion of the study participants had MRI brain scans. Ritchie and his colleagues measured the thickness of the cerebral cortex, the brain's wrinkled outer layer known to be significant in consciousness, language, memory, perception, and other functions, in 2750 women and 2466 men aged 44 to 77.
What? You claim you want to have sex with me? Oh, I have so much more learning to do before I dare use any of that priceless knowledge. I'll just retreat once more and carry on my investigation.
Participate is the cure for the thinker. Put everything you've learned to use. Start dancing all the steps you've been learning from your reading and studies. Spend more time interacting with people than books. Even if you act like a snob, we still like you (and no, we usually don't care about all the "interesting" stuff you keep providing). We don't bite, so just come outside and play with us.
The opposing viewpoint
Saying: Honey, after going to the same restaurant for five years, why do you suddenly want to try another one? What if we consume poor quality food and become ill as a result? What if the noise level is too high? What if the interior is too chilly? Oh, I see—you've developed feelings for a waiter there. Have you been lying to me lately? Why are we not committed to our restaurant? Why are you not faithful to me? You have my undivided loyalty and devotion!
I'm thinking: Knowing you want change makes me feel so insecure. Why do you always play tricks on me? But all right, I'll accompany you to that restaurant since I adore you (and to the end of the world, if I have to). I just need a little bit of time to get ready for any unexpected events.
The cure for becoming the devil's advocate is to be conscious of your paranoia. Increase your level of faith and give up attempting to foresee every potential pitfall. Accept unexpected and change as wonderful things. Accept the new.
The vivacious
requesting: Come on, honey, let's have an orgy!
I want to have fun with you and share all of my fun experiences with you since I love you so much. Aside from that, I find it difficult to stay with you until we drastically change things up so that I feel alive and excited. I had to give it a shot! Simply said, I don't want to lose out.
The remedy for having fun: Invest more time and effort in one thing. Steer clear of excessive spending, eating, drinking, and committing. Avoid being narcissistic. Instead, start reading books. Yes, we do realize how much you detest reading, but even those things are beneficial for you. Choose a direction and follow it through.
The tough
Saying "Honey, don't run away to hide when I pick a battle with you and start yelling." I anticipate a fight from you! Oh, you're afraid of my fury and feel unsafe around me? But I'm here to keep you safe! I didn't realize you thought I was tyrannical and domineering. I'm just being overly cautious (and I would fight anyone else who tries to hurt you). In fact, it is how I make love, so I am not violating you at all.
The remedy for the macho: Take a deep breath and employ half the usual amount of force and lust. Don't be scared to display some of the vulnerability you secretly harbor and are desperately attempting to hide.
The laid-back
saying: Sure, honey, I'll go along with everything you say and wish (as long as there is no conflict). I'm not in a hurry.
I've already set my expectations lower (to avoid disappointment and to avoid pursuing my desires in case I need to be aggressive, make a decision, or, God forbid, incite confrontation). I'm not even sure what I want anymore (much alone how to express it or pursue it), but I'll go along with it anyhow. However, if you keep neglecting me and my demands (which I myself am unaware of), my rage will continue to rise and eventually explode at the worst possible time.
Please ask me again (and again!) what I want. Wake awake to your own life as the cure for those who are laid back.
Learn to articulate your needs and wants despite the possibility of opposing viewpoints and desires by becoming aware of your own needs and wants. Step away from the couch and begin doing things that will benefit you and you alone. And although you may think that everything is still and that you have another 200 years to live, please hurry up because time really does fly.