"The Work" by Katie Byron applied by @aggroed

So, when there's personal conflict there is exactly one place I turn to deal with it. A woman by the name of Katie Byron put together 4 questions that you ask yourself in a series in order to flesh out what the fear is, how it effects you, and who you would be without it. By answering those questions honestly and openly it seems to have the power (at least for me) to unlock the fears the grip me.

I've been working with various people in the Minnow Support Project to help them deal with their conflicts by teaching them about, and helping them apply those questions. I have both postive and negative feedback on the approach, but overall there's nothing that I can recommend more.

There's generally two types of fears. Those we put on others and those we put on ourselves. When we're constantly lashing out at people, especially those that haven't really committed major offenses, it's usually that we're letting ourselves down and taking it out on the other. Many people also bury themselves in negative self talk all day long. With some of my friends that I'm working on this with they can't make it through a three sentence paragraph without sharing two giant fears and insecurities.

So, as part of this I was asked to do the same activity, I said I would and here's the first post. I have two questions that came from others that to me having done this for a few years are pretty easy to cope with. So, I'll start there. Tomorrow or the next day I'll really bare all on some fuckers that still haunt me to show how someone that's kinda an expert at this deals with the monster insecurities that still exist. For now though, let's do these two.

What is The Work?"

There are two extremes that I witness a fair amount. On the one hand you are brutal to yourself: “I’m not loveable.” “I’m worthless.” “I’m such a fucking asshole.” “ I can’t do anything right.” “I’m a monster.” On the other hand you are brutal to someone else: “You’re not loveable.” “You’re worthless.” “You’re such a fucking asshole.” “You can’t do anything right.” “You’re a monster.”

These oscillate between guilt/shame and accusation. Often times the worst of your fears are causing additional problems rather than helping you. So, you have be able to hold a thought, examine it, but not believe everything you think. That’s part of Wisdom. Here’s a tool to help you do it. It's called "The Work" and consists of asking isolating a fear you are experiencing and then asking yourself 4 questions about it.

The Four Questions

1. Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to 3.)
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

Looking inward isn’t fun, but the relief that I expect many of you to experience from this will be the single most liberating experience of your life.

Overall website: www.thework.com
1 pager on this thing- thework.com/sites/thework/downloads/worksheets/instructions_for_thework.pdf
20 Pager on this thing- thework.com/sites/thework/downloads/Little%20Book.pdf

Aggroed avoids central questions

The first question I was asked to write about is regarding me avoiding central questions.

1. "I avoid central questions"

No I don't. I delay them for input, but I don't avoid them. I may avoid them when they are small, but I don't when stakes are large.

1. How do I react when I avoid central questions? What happens when I avoid central Questions?

I react in fear to avoid causing irrepairable harm. Rather than immedately following my gut, I question myself and if I have enough information. I seek more out.

1. Who would I be without the fear that I avoid central questions?

I would make faster decisions knowing that I'm good at leading and can trust my instincts more. I may seek less input and spend be able to draw conclusions faster.

Turned around; I don't avoid central questions.

This feels truer to me. I feel like I purposefully go slow, but that's hardly ignoring them. I want to do a good job. People count on me.

I still feel freer here. I'm in the drivers seat, and I can make conscientious decisions.

If I make decisions that my dear friends don't like they will abandon me

So, the first fear wasn't mine. So, it's hard to address someone else's fear. Maybe the first one was a little awkward. So, that's why I felt it was important to add another one in here that's my lil' fear baby. So, let's try it now.

If I make decisions that my dear friends don't like they will abandon me.

1. Is it true.

Maybe? If my decisions are bad enough and I hurt a lot of people they might?

1. Can I absolutely know that it's true?

No, even if I make a horrible decision it's probably as likely or more that people will intervene to set my course straight rather than simply abandon me.

1. How do I react when I think people will abandon me for making bad decisions? What happens when I think they will abandon me?

Well, first I get scared. I don't want the friends that I've worked hard to collect and care for to suddenly disappear. It's happened before in my life and it was painful. So, I resist the urge to do something or anything immediately.

1. Who would I be without the thought that people will abandon me for making bad decisions?

My answers to this tend to come back to liberty. I'll be free of a constraint that holds my answers in my gut and on my tounge. I'll still want to deliberate and check in with others, but I could trust my instincts more.

3a. Reworked- If I make a bad decision I'm afraid I'll abandon my friends.
How do I feel when I think this? How do I react?

I'm filled with some shame. I've failed plenty of times in my life. I've had lots of success too, but there are times that the strees or pressure has gotten too high and I've had to bail out especially to the detriment of others. Sometimes I'll turn to drugs, alcohol, or video games, other times I'll just keep putting it out of mind and off for more time.

Who would I be if I weren't gripped by this thought.

I create powerful friendships. The people that know me well know I love them and will stand by them. I don't have to be afraid that I'll bail because they matter so much to me. I think I could face the challenges more easily and not be gripped by uncertainty.

3b. I won't abandon my friends if I make a bad decision
How do I react when I read this? How happens to me when I have this thought?

I feel empowered. I feel it in my heart that you don't leave people behind that are struggling as long as they are trying. It makes me feel more committeed to helping my buddies because I know I won't fail them.

4b. Who would I be if I felt this way?

I'd be a better leader. I'd trust myself to always keep the watch and make sure I stick by their side.