24/10-17
It’s past midnight and I am chatting with a new guy on Tinder. He is interesting, sparks my curiosity.
I tell him goodnight and I lay down to sleep.
A few minutes pass and I realize I just drifted off again, my curiosity is not the only thing he sparks...
Chatting with a member of the male species on a platform like Tinder is, for me, similar to the experience an alcoholic would have going into a bar on a friday night and ordering a virgin mojito (or virgin anything for that matter).
I googled the definition of temptation (since breaking down words is like porn for me) and it says:
“temptation
tɛm(p)ˈteɪʃ(ə)n/
noun
- the desire to do something, especially something wrong or unwise.”
...see this guy, did not only spark my curiosity, he also sparked my close to inevitable tendency to fly five light years ahead, interpret “x y z” from “a” and for me to make myself an idea based on nothing.
This is where I lose control and my addiction takes over, ten minutes into a conversation with a man I have not even had the chance to smell yet..
I let the urge take over and dedicate a moment to giggle at myself :)
Addictions are a curious thing, but maybe the way through them is compassion for the self. Compassion for the guilt I feel for acting in a way I believe is not good for me, for seeking out something I believe to be self destructive (given my habits).
A wise friend of mine once adviced me to actively meet my shadow.
And so I try to relax. In my mind a 90’s hit starts echoing;
“Oops I did it again...”
Brilliant.
My breath comes back to me and my mind evaporates slightly as I write these words..
thank you for witnessing my midnight ramble...