Tonga

...he f'ungu niu mata!

"I can't climb a coconut tree" I told Meliame. She translated it into tongan. I forgot the first half of the sentence.
Meliame couldn't climb a coconut tree. And until today I tried it twice and didn't succeed yet. But that all doesn't matter that much. It was the time of a first big shift from inside.  

 

I worked in Tonga as a "goat-sheppard". And thinking of it today I kind of laugh out loud, me, a swiss guy with the swiss german surname "Bur" (engl.: "farmer") seriously traveled to Tonga, the place which is probably the furthest away from his beloved swiss alps, to look after goats. Which are all over switzerland and are the reason why our alps are so steep (btw.: Goats love to climb. we had to make them feel comfortable). 

So between bananas, women waving clothes, some cucumber, watermelons and  lots of coconut trees i was looking for decent food for twenty goats. Goats which the owners kept just for the sake of having them. They didn't milk them, they didn't eat them. And I loved it! This beauty of absolut ridiculousness and pointless of my work. And still I found so much peace in these days...
Two hours in the morning, two hours in the evening, goat for goat, I brought them to their food, or back. And I better didn't mess up the order, because goats do have their system. Girlfriends, mothers or sisters, and the bullied ones whom i had to protect. The male ones, with those amazing sounding screams of joy and lust, of missing their wives. The kids strangle themselves by walking around each other in circles for a day, screaming of discomfort and pulling hard on their leashes to free them, which entangled them more and more and was an extra 15 minutes of work to undo. In between every now and then a wild pig ran across the field and the goats weren't really chill about it. Which means more leash-undoing. (and this beautiful girl which couldn't properly walk. she was my favourite. Oh I miss you, my flowerjunkie!!)

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And in between that time I could think, sleep, drink and sit. And as Tonga is very small, I soon just started to stay at home, in between the goats. The family was wonderful! I could wear the mother's high heels. I learned a lot about life from Meliame, the 8 year old daughter. She laughed when we were meditating. And now, some years later, i see the lesson of her smiles. By the time though I didn't get it. I had the time, to talk with my brother from austria all day long, sipping on lime-juice as there wasn't anything to eat. Talking about life, struggles,my insecurenesses and doubts about myself. The most impressing though was this incredible, infinite happiness the tongans had. While I wasn't sure about how to see my life, the tongans just smiled. Surrounded by wild dogs and pigs, chicken and roaster screaming through the whole night (because when one startet, all the others had to show how much more beautiful they could sing - and there was always one who felt the urge to break the silence..), they just saw the beauty of life in an european young man with a beard and a head full of questions and a heart to afraid to open up. And it was the best cure for my heart. Because the tongans taught me, that when seeing with your heart, life becomes paradise, even if cockroaches fly into your face and the matress is all moulded, knowing that theey might never enjoy a warm shower..

It was a time I was struggling with what I actually want from life. After 5 months of traveling and visiting so many spots, after a split up of a long relationship, being isolated on an island with nearly no wifi, with three dogs, goats and breadfruit with plantanes, meat or fish for dinner, I had to face myself. What is it, that keeps me searching? What creates this discomfort and this feeling of being lost? Sure, the island did it's contribution to that feeling. But still... Why am I here? What on earth is it I am missing and lacking, being on one of the most beautiful islands of the world, surrounded by paradise? Why am I, after seeing the world, still unhappy? I couldn't be more free and still feel more trapped than ever. And this feeling was so deep, the experience so pure. I felt real. It was a very strong and pure feeling and I knew, I couln't escape anymore. And the questions were so real, that it made me lose my beliefs and hopes. I woke up from a dream. . 

And then one day, when I woke up, I heard a voice so clear and without any other noise, and this voice told me: "it is up to you!".  And during the day the answer came to me.

I just want to be loved

So I started to meditate for one hour everyday, imagining something or someone - a scene, a moment, a woman that can give me what I am looking for - enters my life and make me feel loved - no matter what. 

It was that time where I deeply felt what I am lacking so much. It's the love, the assurance to be good enough, the feeling to be appreciated and loved the way I am, to be safe. And since that day, it was an incredible journey with lots of mountains and valleys, tears and smiles. But step by step I became more and more the person I want to be. To be continued....

°° don't wait until silence tells you the truth, let silence be the answer°° - matt kahn

(thank you for reading)