intro:* ive tried to publish this as a blog before in wordpress, but I was having second thoughts. It may spark again some issues of the past and im too lazy to edit and add back details.
haha. but anyways im sharing it now because I totally forgot about this and just found it in the draft folder.*
First, How can you tell if a person is suffering from depression or anxiety or he is just really sad? And what will happen if you dont get a professional help? Will you be able to survive? -well I did.
Here is the situation:
Im not writing this to play the blame game for what happened. im writing this in my own perspective, and maybe if there is a person out there, who needs someone advice or just someone to talk to, ill be more than happy to talk or share experience with them
I may be right or i could be wrong. -you tell me, after reading my story.
Ive been married for about 3 years already and the girl that i married was my 1st highschool sweetheart and weve been on a roller coaster relationship for 14years, to cut the story short, its like weve been together more than half of my life.
We have 3 beautiful daughters, the eldest is sweet and caring, the 2nd is bold and brave, and the youngest is the bossy type kid, and the best comparison to their personality is the powerfuff girls. Yep, the powerpuff girls.
Im not the perfect husband, and also not a definitely not the ideal father figure, one thing is for sure i will do whatever i can to provide food on the table which is a bit challenging that time because im still a student when we have our first child. It was hard being a father and a student at the same time. While she was pregnant with our first child, we need to keep it as a secret from my family and her family also, because it may spark another "family feud". in short we are on are own.
In spite of the challenges, we manage to survive. I got a job and everything was running smooth.
Life started to become easy, and money is not a daily problem anymore.
As they say, "when life gives you lemon," you want oranges.
If life is easy, eventually you want it to be complicated. I started to hangout with friends, party all night, those stuffs. You can imagine right? -from a local townboy to a party animal guy.
Even though I work hard, party harder. I never forget my responsibility as a father. I was able to manage my father time also.
But i did forgot one thing, how to be a husband.
As years passed. Marriage life went colder and colder and came to a point I cant thaw it anymore.
And we broke up.
And even though I did everything to fix our relationship, it was too late.
Im not a violent type person, but my ex wife is. Haha
I Ended up twice in the emergency room, so you know. Its really unhealthy also for the kids seeing their mom and dad shouting at each other, and lots of crazy things.
The bottom line, I caught my wife cheating. Im not blaming her for that, ive tried to win her back, swallow my pride, begged, asked her just to forget everything and start fresh.
It didnt work - now the question. What would i do? I cant let my daughters live with their mom, thinking there is a crazy guy who knows he is dating a married woman and has 3 kids.
-with my 3 kids, and 1 babysitter. I really dont know what to do.
How would answer my daughter, asking me "wheres mommy?" I can and I wont say anything that would ruin the image of their mom, in my daughters point of view.
My eldest daughter loves to draw.
And one of her favorite things to draw is a happy family.
With me and their mom in the center, them on the side, including our dog was on her drawing,
You can see it in her eyes, that she has no idea whats happening and she is really proud that we are happy family.
-its started to killing me inside.
-i decide that our kids, can be better of without a father rather than without a mom.
Talked to my wife that i will be the one that is going to leave, and the kids stays with her.
Thats not the end of the story.
My wife chose not to.
Weve been together for more than half of our lives, from highschool till that day.
It was the first time ive felt ALONE, and I cant find a way to fullfill my daughters dream - "a happy family."
Here are the symptoms.
Call it depression, anxiety, or just very sad.
I cant tell because i didn't consult professional help,
First symptoms that i noticed, someone called in my mobile phone that day, but after answering the phone. I kept on hearing the ringtone over and over again. I even took the battery out to convince my self that its not real. Kept hearing the ringtone the wholeday,
Next after a huge arguement, when i was putting my daughter on bed. Ive seen my daughters stickers "tinker bell" was flying inside our room, pillow snoopy was getting out from his doghouse, and dora the explorer is waving at me.
How was that for a sane guy, i remembered a topic from a book ive read before, just forgot the title.
When a person is about to go "Loco", first thing you will experience is audio manifestation, and if it gets escalated, it will be followed by visual manifestation.
In my case, the ringtone and the cartoons getting back to life.
-im too ashamed to share it to my friends, and i dont want also to that my wife will be the topic of the town, i dont even know that time what would be my reaction if someone tries to badmouth her.
-she may be not a good wife, but she is a mother to my kids and no one can change that.
-i randomly cry if i felt alone, there is also a deafening silence moment, even though the TV volume was up.
-my body tries to move on its own, tried to hung myself, i didnt realize that im doing it until jump out from a bed and the wire cable i used snapped. Last thing i remember before getting to that situation is im doing the laundry.
I even tried to chop my arms, thinking its useless to have a right arm because im left handed using a botcher knife.
-how did i overcome the situation?
1st: GET SOME SLEEP
Good sleep can help relax your mind and help grasp reality.
In my case how can i sleep in that state of mind?
without any help from a doctor or a professional (and im not telling to do this or if its correct) i drank 3 tablets of anti-allergy meds, i know 1 tab can make you drowsy, with 3 pcs i think it will knock me out.
Slept for about 16hrs after that
- Talk to someone
Talking to someone you trust will help.
The first person that i told about the situation, is my sister. She has a strong personality, and i know she cares about me a lot. In my state of mind, i cant decide anymore, what i did asked my sister is to make a decision for me. Everytime i need to decide something ill let her decide and do what ever she tells me to do, and i even let her decide if she is going to our parents about my situation.
- If you want changes, sacrifice one thing that you love doing.
In my case, getting drunk.
It is was abrupt stop in drinking, my parents and friends didnt believe that i wont drink anymore, and my reply
"i dont believe me also," and im shocked as anyone else hearing my story.
- my deep rest
Rest as much as you can, have your own time.
I was totally out of the grid for about 8months, no social media, no cell phones, my 3 daughters was staying with their grandma (my mom), only from Point A to Point B, work and home.
Good thing also my manager understands my situation, when he see me crying in my desk, he will give me time to rest
It made me think, if im suffering from this so called depression. There are also people who is trying to help me, my boss got suspended because i went awol, he vouched for me to avoid getting terminated by the HR.
A good friend told me "if i dont respect my self, whats the point of them respecting me?"
And most of all, if i fail. Who will look after my daughter?
Self motivation, and focus.
If a friend comes to you saying, theyre depressed specially a male to male scenario, a simple tap in the back wont suffice. have them talk, dont ask details yet not unless you can gauge that this friend is comfortable of sharing.
Right now, im living a normal life, i can sleep straight 8-10hrs.
happy new year!
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