Hi. How's it going?

Before I start, if you don't want to read someone's depressed ramblings, this isn't the post for you.

Many people who are struggling seek encouragement and validation from friends and family. They need to talk it out. They are happiest when loved ones are near. Me? I just need space, and right now, I want out. I want to be away from everyone.

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The kids came down with something over the weekend, and because of their sore throats they could barely speak, so they were home Monday and I thought they could use one more day to recover. So they are here, and it's obvious they are feeling much better because they are being loud, fighting, making messes. You know, normal kid stuff. It's really hard to manage today, and I seriously just have this urge to escape. Just grab my keys and leave. Jared can deal with things.

Not forever.

A few days alone in a hotel room would suffice. I'm dealing with all these feelings and am turning inward. Writing is a good way to vent, so I'm just going to go ahead and overshare as usual on this platform.

Hooray for you! 😉

According to the enneagram, I am a type four, called The Romantic and also called The Individualist. I found this comic character of a type 4.

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Stereotype or not?

The description describes me almost perfectly. I'm convinced that if I answer the questions honestly about myself, I will always be a type 4 (there are 9 types), regardless of my age or situation. There are patterns in my behavior that I haven't been able to change in all my 36 years. Mind over matter attempts fail.

So what's wrong with being a 4?

If you made it this far, let's look at this description and see what's wrong, and how it aligns with what's happening.

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Fours are feeling based types who often experience a sense of longing and melancholy. Something is missing for them.

True. The feelings are introverted, so we usually come off as aloof in person. We feel longing and melancholy because something is missing for us. We feel defective.

a quest for wholeness through romantic idealism, healing, or aesthetics.

Not my quest right now, but there have been chunks of my life when this was the case.

When they compare themselves to others they experience feelings of envy.

When I think of the word envy, I think of something evil, like the evil witch hating snow white for her beauty. Envy is not good in fours, but it's not malicious either. We are only 4% of the population, and when we see other people and how they interact, what they do, we notice the contrast between them and us, and it is acutely obvious. We want the seemingly inherent qualities that we weren't given. Remember, we are missing something. I'm not talking about anything money can buy. I'm saying something inside us does not exist, and almost everybody else has it. A puzzle peice that was left out that makes us feel defective.

I am feeling this way. I feel that no matter how hard I try, I can not find a place in this world. I feel like I am a fly people want to swat away. I feel stupid.

They seek meaning and depth, are often artists

True. Also writers.

They want a good image, but are authentic.

Yes, we care about how we present ourselves to the world, and want others to see the best of us, but authenticity, or being real, over rides this, sometimes to our detriment. A great example is right now, me wanting to write this.

Strengths and weaknesses

Right now I got the weaknesses. Moody, withdrawn, uncooperative.

Need time alone

I soooo need time alone. This is what I want right now.

Swing from contact to withdrawal. Feelings that spill to resigned and depressed.

Yes, People can be too overwhelming and we are depleted. Other times this happens, is because we can't help but want to make attempts at interaction and be accepted, and after the interaction, the failure of it cuts us to the heart. We are like little phantom of the operas inside.

Blames self

Yes. It's like this. Something goes wrong every time I try to (socialize, create order in my life, work a job, ect.). We are unable to. We miss the mark. So we think there's something wrong with me. Why am I not better. I am not how I should be. Why am I like this? Why is nobody else struggling like this?

Self expression through...

Out of the ones listed, I have latched onto writing and parenting helps.

So there you have it. That's me in a nutshell.

The other type's descriptions aren't like this. A more appealing personality is painted for each of them.

I mean, come on. Now that you really know how I am, don't I just seem so delightful??? 😅 Don't answer that.

Anyway, thanks for letting me puke a bunch of feelings onto you. Have a great day! 😘

Love, snowpea ❤