Confessions of an Airborne Dedicated Individual Combat Killer (ADICK) Part 5

in voluntaryism •  8 years ago  (edited)

The People You Meet on Your Airborne Journey

Since this is the fifth article I've written in the series, I figured I'd take this opportunity to try something a little more lighthearted and funny. The last four have been about some heavy stuff, and it's good to take a break every once in a while to highlight some of the good that came with the bad during my time in the 82nd Airborne. Sure, the job was crap, we never deployed, and I learned how to do layouts like a champ from doing so damned many of them, but there was good there, too. The good came in the guys I worked with. Some of the best dudes I've ever met, I met while I was enlisted in the Airborne.

So, in honor of them, here's a list of some of the kinds of people you'll meet during your career in the Airborne.

  • The Platoon Daddy

Every platoon sergeant is colloquially called "platoon daddy;" the lieutenant pushes the orders from higher down to his platoon, but the platoon sergeant is in charge of executing. The Platoon Daddy, though, is a step above. He's a grizzled, capable, combat soldier, and he's seen and done just about all of it. He's been to Ranger school, tried out the Q Course for Special Forces, and has more qualifications than you can shake a stick at, but he doesn't tell you about any of them. He can run faster than just about everyone in the platoon, and his old man strength is unbeatable. He knows his job better than most of the people in the squadron, including the sergeants major. If he was a command sergeant major, he'd probably be writing up a new field manual on how to do...whatever he can think of. This is the guy who trains privates, sergeants, staff sergeants, lieutenants, and captains, and you're lucky enough to have him running your platoon.

  • Staff Sergeant Airborne

If ever there was a non-commissioned officer (NCO) that loved being Airborne, it's this guy. He recites nomenclature in his sleep, is the first to volunteer for every jump that comes your unit's way, and has probably already earned his senior jump wings and his senior jumpmaster status. Even when he's on a jump, he inspects other jumpers rigs to help out the jumpmasters assigned to the detail. Call a rigger for a problem? Not on your life. This guy's got it. He might as well be a black-hat for how much he lives and breathes Airborne, but don't let him catch you trying to trade your way off a jump. He'll have your ass in a sling faster than you can say "all the way."

  • Chicken Little

No one knows how this guy made staff sergeant. He's about as put together as a leaky boat made of wood shavings and Bondo. For this NCO, everything is a problem, and every problem is a crisis. Be it the lockers not being neat enough or the layouts not looking exactly right, this guy is convinced that the troop building is going to catch fire and burn to the ground if its not fixed. He hates being at home only slightly less than he hates being at work, and he's quick to let you know about it. To him, the sky is falling any time any obstacle comes up. The entirety of the 82nd is one drawn-out crisis after another, so if you're lower enlisted and this guy's in charge, just keep your head down and hope to God he took his meds today.

  • Sergeant Specialist

We all know him. Specialists are a breed of soldier that have been lower enlisted long enough to know that they can let shit roll down hill while they step out of the way of it. So when one of them somehow ends up at the promotion board and answers all those questions right simply because he knows it, he becomes the thing that all common, decent specialists avoid: sergeant. Now, burdened with responsibility and expectations, he has to tell his once-friends what to do. That doesn't really phase him all that much, though. When no one's looking, he defaults back to where he wants to be: the specialist sham-urai. He sees his rank for what it is: soul-crushing 99% of the time. So as a defensive mechanism, he tries to get details where it's him and his buddies that are still specialists, so they can do what they do best: sham out.

  • Sergeant Blowhard

The polar opposite of the Sergeant Specialist is the Sergeant Blowhard. Maybe he got picked on too much in Basic Training or nobody in his unit liked him. Either way, this guy pushed himself to make sergeant as hard as he could, and even though he didn't make it the first time, he passed that promotion board by the hair of his ass the second time, and now he's in charge. What's more, he'll let you know about it every chance he gets. Unlike the Sergeant Specialist, who bosses people around only when he has to, Sergeant Blowhard bosses people around constantly, and don't let him catch you doing something wrong. Oh boy, if he sees that, you're pushing. This guy abuses his authority any chance he gets.

  • The Sham-urai

The Sham-urai is a rare breed of specialist. Like all specialists, he manages to shimmy his way out of work, but this guy has it down to an art form. Need soldiers for a detail? He's in the bathroom. Laying out platoon equipment? I heard he had a dental appointment. Volun-telling soldiers for a jump? He's at squadron taking care of some personnel stuff. Whenever there's work to be done, this guy, more than any other specialist, knows how to get out of it. He's been in for a few years, and, Lord willing, isn't up for promotion, so he's got it made. He has all the prestige of being pretty good at his job without any of the responsibility for actually doing his job.

  • The Old Man

While the Platoon Daddy is, in fact, an older guy, the Old Man is a lower enlisted who got in the game well into his 20's. He's at least 26, and he's done plenty in the time between he turned 18 and the time you first meet him at the unit. Mechanic, carpenter, subcontractor, mason; he's got a bunch of different hats that he can wear on any given day, and any task that calls for a little common-sense know-how is usually kicked to him. He hates running, but he does it anyway. He's either tobacco-free or smokes/dips like a champ. I happened to be in the second camp; two packs a day, every day. Common sense is his forte, which is unfortunate, because the Army pretty much never operates on common sense.

  • The Warrior Poet

This one's a bit of a misnomer, because it doesn't just apply to writing, but no one understands why this guy decided to be a soldier instead of being a graphic designer for Blizzard or a bestselling author. He's smarter than anyone would need to be to do the job, and he does it pretty damn well, but his mind's also keyed up for creativity. Unfortunately for the unit, that creativity doesn't translate to taking initiative or streamlining unit functions. No sir, he's too busy crafting another piece of locker art or devouring another book. Don't let his pseudo-dreamer mind fool you, though; he knows more about the job than just about every other lower enlisted and some of the NCOs. He's smart as a tack, but he's not one to brag. If you're a brand-new private, follow behind this guy.

  • The Sociopath

Everyone in the Airborne is a badass, hardened combat killer, but this guy stands apart. He could be jovial, outgoing, and a pretty fun guy, or he might be more reserved and keep to himself. Either way, beneath that human exterior lies a cold, ruthless killing machine. He signed up combat arms because he wanted to kill other people, and he either went Airborne because of the high likelihood of being deployed to a combat zone, or he's waiting for his second chance to make it through the Q Course. Either way, this guy lives for combat. He's better at it than just about everyone else, and why would he be? The Airborne gives him the best training and methods for terminating human lives. He's sharper on combat tasks than just about everyone else except for the Platoon Daddy, but don't let his charisma fool you; this guy would have been a serial killer.

  • Private First Class Specialist

What a mouthful, am I right? The reason I named this archetype the way I did was because it sums up exactly how he feels. He's been a PFC long enough that he's made friends with the specialists, but at the end of the day, he's still a private. He can't sham his way out of work the way that specialists can, so he gets stuck on details and doing dumb, grunt work. What's more, he knows this is his lot in life. For him, the best thing that could happen would be to get a brand-new, starry-eyed buck private so the heat gets moved off of him and onto the new guy. Which brings us to...

  • Buck Private

Maybe his recruiter convinced him to go airborne in his contract. Maybe he was such a stellar recruit in Basic Training that his training sergeant major decided he was worthy of a slot. Either way, this fresh-faced kid managed to make it to Basic Airborne School, made it through, and he's arrived at the unit bright-eyed and ready to do Airborne stuff. Little does he know that his soul is going to be crushed within moments of his arrival. You mean to tell me you don't know the Medal of Honor winners that were in the 82nd? Start pushing. Don't know the Airborne Song? Keep pushing. This poor sap is going to get it until he manages to survive long enough to become a PFC Specialist, and he's only really in the clear once he makes specialist rank.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this post and got some entertainment value out of it. I know I enjoyed writing it, and I enjoyed chuckling about it as I wrote it.


Andrei Chira is a vaper, voluntaryist, and all-around cool dude. Formerly a paratrooper in the 82nd Airborne Division, he now spends his time between working at VapEscape in Montgomery County, Alabama, contributing to Seeds of Liberty on Facebook and Steemit, and expanding his understanding of...well, everything, with an eye on obtaining a law degree in the future.

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While it makes complete sense, I'd not thought of the military archetypes before. Loved this breakdown!

Thanks for posting this!

No problem! Glad you enjoyed it! It's amazing how, even in a group as diverse as the United States Army, people fall into predictable categories.

Inspired by your series here, I started my own series about my experiences... my ideas include some stories, some lessons, some life hacks.

Presently, getting little to no traction lol. Perhaps you'd appreciate it. First one is just a true story from boot camp. Would love some feedback.

https://steemit.com/life/@hunterisgreat/lifehacks-lessons-and-anecdotal-stories-i-picked-up-as-one-of-uncle-sam-s-misguided-children-story-1

Cheers,

Read, upvoted, and following. That was fantastic. Left a comment on there with a little BCT nugget of experience.

Ha ha ha that was funny. I have a thing for a part-time Marine here in NY. I am cringing for the day he asks me to go jumping with him. I think I'm too old for that! lol

Don't worry, they're not going to take you on a static line jump. You experience will actually be enjoyable, instead of the trapped-like-sardines-attached-to-dental-floss-oh-God-I'm-leaving-the-plane-at-140mph experience I had the privilege of experiencing lol.

lol. OK thanks for the reassurance :)