FIVE THINGS TO NOT FUCKING DO WHEN YOU EAT AT A RESTAURANT.

I'm a waitress at a busy Irish pub- take it from me.

1.) DO NOT order your meal and keep all of the condiments and extras that you will also need to yourself. 

Think you'll sound annoying or needy? NOOO! 

Wait staff is annoyed by extra trips to the kitchen, not your perfectly complete order. The kitchen is hot. It's crowded. It's far away. Don't make us go all the way back there for your side of ranch. 

We are taking care of 20 other people's dining needs as well, not just yours.

2.) DO NOT order a drink whose ingredients are explicitly listed on the menu and say that it wasn't what you expected.

If you read the menu in order to make your selection then you should be expecting exactly what you are complaining about.

Yes you are the customer, no you are not right.

Experiment with new liquors at home and at your own expense, not at my restaurant's.

3.) DO NOT come in with your kids soccer team, sit upstairs, and let them chug sodas and  rudely demand refills every time your server walks by. When was the last time you poured your 12 year old 4 sprites in 15 minutes and delivered them upstairs to his/her room?

Bet you never have. 

Because that's bullshit. 

And yes you're (hopefully) paying me. But you're only tipping me on the first Sprite. Because someone decided that free refills are a thing. And they shouldn't be. Mainly because soccer teams exist.

4.) DO NOT come into a restaurant and order a seafood trio at 9:56 if the kitchen closes at 10. 

Everything's broken down, the food is wrapped, the ovens and fryers are off, everything's clean, and the cooks each have a foot out the door. 

If you MUST order food at close...still don't. 

Just kidding (not really). Get something fried. The frier takes longer to cool than the oven does after it's shut off . Everyone will be be 90% pissed off instead of 100%.

5.) DO NOT walk into a restaurant and treat it like the motel 6. I will not leave the light on for you. You are hogging my table that I am supposed to be able to turn over and over again. 

That's how I make money.

You sit, you eat, you leave. Repeat. I get tipped for each cycle, not while you camp at my table for 4 hours.

We in the restaurant business have a name for you assholes, you're campers.

At my restaurant, we have names for each section. The other night I was in "money corner", which I eventually renamed the money corner KOA Kampground because my freaking customers would.not.leave. I made 1/2 as much money as the other servers. Your ability or inability to pay and leave makes a difference!

Till next time, tip 20% and mind your Ps and Qs!