The Watch Snob Says Watches Are A Terrible Investment

The Watch Snob is in.

You may think you know watches, but let's be real -- you just don’t. Let me, a true horological aficionado, enlighten your plebeian minds as to what makes a real watch, what you should wear when and what to do with those old watches of yours. All the opinions expressed by the Watch Snob are my own, and are just that -- opinions. Don’t worry, though, AskMen.com will still be bringing you great features on interesting watches to buy, both old and new, expensive and cheap. For now, let the Watch Snob reign.

What is happening with Omega? I have a Speedmaster Day-Date and was about to add a Seamaster to the collection when I learned that Ben Bridge was no longer carrying Omega. When I went to another well-known local jewelry store, I found they had stopped carrying Omega a month ago. I was also told that Omega was about to update its entire line of watches and raise the prices by three or four times. What's the scoop?

What’s happening to Omega is what I like to call the Freshman 15 syndrome. Just like so many of you Americans do when you attend university, Omega has become fat and ugly, a lesser version of itself. The brand has recently gotten a good look at itself in the mirror and it's seen that it's nothing more than an overgrown, over-promoted, slow-moving relic of what was once a great brand. Omega used to be on par with Rolex -- above the likes of IWC and Jaeger-LeCoultre -- and now that's as laughable as seeing an American turn down a plate of French fries. I suspect Omega is simply trying to become as un-American as possible by limiting distribution and upping the entry point.

What is currently on your wrist and what is in your rotation?

Just curious.

Something you can’t afford. I mean that. What’s on my wrist now is an A. Lange & Sohne automatic that hasn’t even come out yet. I will refrain from telling you the model name because it will be meaningless to you. What else is in my collection? An original Speedmaster Broad Arrow worth about as much as three years of education in your public universities, a steel Patek Philippe Ref 130 chronograph worth as much as your parent’s double wide (above-ground pool included), a vintage Paul Newman Daytona that needs no introduction, and about 50 other timepieces that sit firmly above your purview.

question from a watch snob

I was told recently that two of the wealthiest men in the world, Warren Buffett and Bill Gates, don’t wear watches. If that’s the case, how can you say it’s a defining quality of successful men?

My guess is the person who told you that was either; A) A butler, who sees them before getting dressed in the morning, or; B) A prostitute, who sees them after they get undressed in the evening -- and we all know people in such positions in life can’t be trusted. I’ve not had the pleasure of spending time with Mr. Gates (he’s a nerd anyway, not a man of style), but I do know for a fact that Mr. Buffett wears a Rolex Day-Date President in yellow gold, which for a man of his prowess is still very understated. Rumor quashed, no need to continue. Until next week.

Dear Watch Snob,

I just have a quick question. I’m 22 and am lucky enough to have had the kind of upbringing that allows me to afford certain things, such as the Breitling that I really love for everyday wear. However, I want something new and I’m thinking about a Hublot Big Bang. Is it worth the money? And will I look like a complete tosser wearing one being my age?

Wearing that particular watch, yes, you will absolutely look like a tosser. I most certainly support a fine watch on the wrist of any young man, but depending on your career, your superiors may not. If your boss is a self-made man, one who believes in hard work and dedication, I recommend holding off on wearing the $10,000 piece to work. If, however, your boss is a man who respects the finer things in life and it is feasible that you have earned the right to wear a pricey timepiece, then go for it. It is more admirable to conceal your extreme wealth and envy-inducing watch collection than to flaunt it, especially when you had little to do with the generation of that wealth. Oh, and for the record, it’s never OK to wear the Big Bang, at any age.

question from a watch snob

Hello Watch Snob,

As an individual who has not yet earned a position of privilege nearing yourself, I am envious of the admiration one receives from such luxury timepieces you speak of. As I finish my medical studies, and expect to find a position where I may be able to acquire such quality in the next few years, do I dare purchase an imitation timepiece as an attempt to indulge in such an experience?

I'm tempted to purchase a "novelty" Breitling or similar to last until I am able to spoil myself with the real thing. However, I question whether this will fulfill my lust as I have never owned such quality and am unclear what I may expect to gain from such a great timepiece besides high regard from colleagues. Please "enlighten" me.

Where to begin? Let’s just clear one thing up right away. By “novelty” what you really mean is a fake watch. I’ll be blunt; there is nothing charming about wearing a fake watch. The sporadic accolades you may receive from those who know nothing about timepieces will pale in comparison to the death by fire you will receive from anyone with the slightest insight into watches. You will be ridiculed and discounted as a human being, and any would-be admiration will quickly turn to pity when your dirty little secret is revealed. Even a very good fake is still a fake, and as the Federation of the Swiss Watch Industry slogan goes: “Fake watches are for fake people.” Now, you just have to ask yourself, are you a fake person?

There are plenty of brands that most people consider “high-end” that, while I respect, simply aren’t superlative in any way: IWC, Vacheron, Piaget, and Zenith all make nice watches, but they are meaningless.

Then there are watches that only the uneducated and simpleminded believe to be luxury watches. This distinction goes to Hublot and Panerai, of course. Anyone who buys these watches is a fool, and both companies will shut their doors before I turn 40 -- you can count on that.

Then there is the mighty Rolex. Would I put Rolex up with Patek or A Lange & Sohne? Not for a second. But, do I consider it a very important step above IWC, Zenith and even Vacheron? Most certainly. The reason is this: People care about Rolex; nobody really cares about those other brands. There are dedicated forums to Rolex, get-togethers, books, you name it. When was the last time you saw a Vacheron event or a book about IWC that people actually bought? Sure, their movement may be in slightly better shape than your average Rolex (debatable, surely), but in 20 years, your Rolex will be worth something -- and everything else will be scrap metal.