Inside my head. A world no one sees because I try to be confident. But I'm not.

in welcome •  7 years ago 

Who am I? I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm a woman who needs reassurance. There are times I feel happy, there are times I feel sad. Will anyone understand me? Will anyone ever ask? But I'm so open in my life. Why am I like this? I'm losing my head. I have so much to say but who should I say it to? I'm my own best friend. Why am I so lonely? Why is it hard for me to find a friend? Why do I feel so alone yet I have someone. What's wrong with me? But watch in a few hours I'll feel better I'll wake up loving life. But then I have those days where I feel what I'm feeling right now. Do I make those around me happy? Do I make my mom happy? Do I make my boyfriend happy? Do I make myself happy? Oh wait I've asked myself that question already, I do. But why is my self esteem so low I fear my boyfriend leaving. I have my days where I'm super confident and then I have the days where I'm scared of everything. I'm losing it. I'm losing it Genny! What will make me feel better? Crying. Crying to the point I get too tired of crying. No one sees this side of me. I stand confident in the face of others but inside my head well here is what's going inside my head.
My relationship has its days where I'm loving days and then I have the days where I want to run far away and scream. I sometimes need someone to hug me and tell me I'm going to do okay. But those are my expectations. No one will say that to me. I say it to myself all the time. It's not working. But I'll be okay. I always am well so I think. Why can't I open this up to anyone? Oh that's right I will feel vulnerable. Why can't I open this up to my boyfriend? Because he won't listen. We will end up arguing. Oh how I love arguing, well so he told me once. I don't. In reality I need lots of love and attention. Jesus I'm 20 and I need this. Wait don't use his name in vain. I tried the way most teens do which is sedate myself to feel numb. Didn't work. It never does it's just an excuse people use. I need to cry right now and I need someone to hold me but the person is not here to do so. Oh I got it! I'll talk to myself again it works, it always does. Maybe I'm overthinking and he won't get upset and he'll understand me. But I don't even understand me.

P.S: My writing has no topic. It's whatever I feel like it. And it helps me in a very therapeutic way. If you don't like it, then move on with your life and I'll continue with what I'm doing here.

Authors get paid when people like you upvote their post.
If you enjoyed what you read here, create your account today and start earning FREE STEEM!
Sort Order:  

Ok