Chapter 12
FDA & the Under Reported Side-Effects
Read about things and learn about side-effects of medications and what is causing people to have reactions with the medications. Read about how people are having major adverse reactions with medications and read about different pills that not only you’re taking but the pills that your friends and family are taking. If you’re unable to communicate how you are being affected – then you aren’t going to be able to help your conditions mentally to move yourself forward in your health and get better. Read about how medications hurt your immune system and when you don’t know these things – placing people on pills is sometimes the last thing they need. Sometimes I believe they are doing more damage then they are good. And, if that’s happening to you – then I feel bad that you are having to take medications. Just do your best with what’s in front of you and better things can happen. Take your time, and work at your own pace, and you’ll get through it.
The studies that I have are pertinent to my care as I’ve been more then willing to read and write, and listen to others and what people are finding. It’s important to me to have it taken into account when it’s my life now – is figuring out what was going on with my health and other people’s health when people are feeling pushed onto these medications more then I believe they might need them. I understand how people can become depressed and naturally feel as though things are hurting them, to the point where they are asking for the medications by name, but it’s not necessarily that you’re depressed. And, like the meme, “before you diagnose yourself with depression, or having a low self esteem, just make sure that you’re not just – in fact, surrounded by ass holes.” I believe depression medication has been made over people in a way where instead of you asking to take something – they are forcing it down your throats and creating a world that is just in fact FULL of ass holes and just want to scream at you for trying to make things right. It’s a poncy scheme in full motion, just waiting for you to either snap, and ask for their pills by name or just have a sadness come over you so that you end up just on the worlds medications. In other words, this worlds laws are somehow protecting the criminal more then the innocent just as it has always been and people deep down inside already know. I had a lot to say, and I wasn’t going to leave my world behind where people never knew a thing about me. This worlds going to KNOW a thing about me when I leave my world behind me, because I’ve shared too much hurt, and cried way too many real tears for people not to hear me out. And, I’m going to let them all make what they want of the things that I’ve had to say. I wanted – more… I needed – more. And, the resources that we all have left, are slowly eroding, right before our very own eyes. It’s not as if we’re supposed to speak out, or that we want to speak out, but sometimes it’s as though we must – and that if we don’t speak out, we might feel as though we’re going to die.
And, though we’re right or wrong, our hearts are after being able to do more with our life, our loved ones and friends and we miss the people we’ve lost somewhere along the way. And, I’ve found a true love for writing because tomorrow was never promised us and today was a gift we didn’t see. Today, was everything sometimes because of how abused we feel in our world. Our world views get crushed and the environments around us get sicker and sicker and people end up in despair. I saw ways that we could fix it, but people seemed as though they were flushed out of their minds by television and humanity becoming so desensitized for lack there of better words. I’ve come to my wits ends with seeing how tight-knit, a world could be around you. As if you don’t know who you’re speaking to or working with. To the point that trusting people sounds awesome – but, because you’ve given in and given in to so much of that to end up hurt, and in a way where you feel you were right all along. And, it all started because God gave you something to say. God gave you a life, and gave you something to write about. And, if you didn’t believe in God, you still knew there was something wrong in the world. So wouldn’t it be something if we could just all agree on calling this thing evil. The evil thing that is so monstrous in life that it makes you feel sick. All of which ticks and ticks and hurts people to the point where we’re all doing bad things. Hiding our sins and hiding everything. We close our blinds and won’t let anyone in, because we fear our world and the people we share the earth with more then we’re sharing our love for one another, or being able to set that spirit free.
Just what was that spirit? It was love and nothing but love. Love was that spirit and love was free. I just didn’t understand why getting costed everything. Sometimes, it was a life. Sometimes, our dignity. But, sometimes – it shouldn’t be so hard to tell your world that it should have meant everything.
Side-effects are just known side effects. Sometimes they aren’t as well known as I think they should be. What I mean is that you could experience something completely different then what someone else is willing to admit to – or what someone else has experienced. So, this thing, whatever it is might not even be in the list of side effects, so side effects are very under-reported and not over-reported, because most people aren’t reporting their bad side effects to the F.D.A. or the Federal Drug Administration. From my studies some of which aren’t reported ever.
It’s imperative to my health that people know what I’ve went through, because on medications is when I was losing my jobs and losing control of my life. It was before that I was able to think and to write and to read and to do… and the more that I was off of them the more that I felt I could become. And, in my heart I felt good as I had made amends with myself. I didn’t need anyone else to know what was in my heart. I just needed a new place to start from. And, that happened every single day asking God for His armor. And, my heart would race sometimes but I dressed it with love. I, inside was changing, even if the world didn’t care. I didn’t care. I could look at myself in a self-reflective way, to see how I wasn’t who I wanted to be at all, and how I’ve become so undone.
I had a whole story to share because I had lost people that meant the world to me. People alive and well. And, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for ever walking into your life. Because I was truly wrong in some of the ways the world had become for me, that I started to become that world as well. And, I didn’t want it anymore. I wanted a peace that I’ve never felt, and the parts of me lost that I couldn’t deal with. It wasn’t about sadness, but about beautiful things. And, I felt guilty for my actions. And, so I prayed for forgiveness and sought out to change my behaviors. I did everything that I could to reach out to my world. I missed my human family, the family that I’d die for. So sometimes, it can mean an awful lot to people to be able to just say something real – to have someone.
I said last night that my tongue was swollen, to the point where I couldn’t sleep, but today it was still hurting. And at the time, my mouth was in the top corner of my mouth had also had some weird bump inside my mouth. It felt like a sharp sudden pain that I didn’t think was quite normal. I felt it was more from that medication I was scared to take then I thought was from my diet or anything like that. I ate chicken and stir fry that day, with soup and a dinner roll. Little butter packets they give you isn’t enough butter to suffocate the pain I’m going through, but I didn’t care to share this kind of pain with people that I felt didn’t care. Not so much as they’re willing to show, they still are like – dude, you need help, and you need medications and basically making me feel as though I’m psychotic when I was feeling fine. I’m stressed out, but who cares really. I wanted a case against these people who were ignoring me. Place the real people in jail yo! Something! Not this!
The medication gave me a sense of being high or getting a high or altered state of mind along with having some extreme pain in my chest, blurred vision as I couldn’t see far away, dizziness – and faint, I just felt sedated like most people do. But sedated was the last thing that I wanted, because I liked my mind and I liked who I had become anyways. Not – in an overly vain way, I just liked that through everything that I’ve gone through – been through, and all that just was breaking in my chest. I felt that I had done more then I could have with that money, or that job, or that hellish environment. I had a story with a happy ending. The one that I just wrote about here would give people a sense of urgency, and a sense of seeing for themselves what I was up against, and no matter what these people are willing to do to me – I had closure. I told my family what I felt about them, and that I loved them. I told my world what a crooked place it was, and how truly evil it had become. And, I told it that it’s money is rigged and that the people running things are wrong. And, I got people involved that could maybe stop it. I also, did a lot more for the people that they were working with, because I hope that they get better care then the hurting people like myself trying to help my mom. I was falling apart in ways that not even she could see. But, I loved her and I wanted her to know it no matter what happened to me.
I’ve never done a lot of things in my life. I’ve lived a most sheltered way of life. I never had much, and in that I didn’t care. I didn’t need anything to be happy – but, a world that had cared. And, in that I found that world. It wasn’t where you thought it would come from though, and from the people that cared so much about me… no, the care that I was getting was that wrongful spiteful and heartless kind, where I feared that I was being snared because I was it accord with this plan and plot that kills life. I was with God in my heart, and people could determine that I was hearing voices. They can think what they wanted to think, but – I felt sick inside of my thoughts where everyone walking around scratching themselves and trying not to give in to the thought of it. Our environments are sick, and so are these peoples sick!
Everyone’s diminishing farther from their families and not coming closer. People are just so floored towards that evil, and from that evil – that it’s hard to ignore. Just what are people to do when that character comes wrapping at your door? I felt aggravated, and oppressed because they knew what I was going through and just leaving my mom and I in it.
You want a case… Here’s your case. I want my money back, my life back and something you couldn’t give. How about that love? Where is it my friend?
Oh, you got a gun.
So, now do you see how it is?
Scary part of it all, is it was my own mom that called the police on me. I was scared of the people that I never thought would do this kind of thing. I didn’t want to hurt anyone, I only wanted what I wanted, and that was my life before all the mice and things. And, before the county just seemed to make it out to be delusions, and my family was making it out to be delusions.
The kids are saying they feel sick at school and get head aches. I feel hurt, because I feel like everyone ends up getting so sick around me and I’m trying to keep myself clean. I just don’t want other people to feel the ways that I’ve been feeling. Not just inside of me, but feelings on my skin. I feel like it’s forever with me, whether engraved in my memory so bad that I’m creating seeing things, or that they are real, and everyone else is where I was a few years ago, wondering why I was itching so much and wondering why I couldn’t figure it out. I just prayed that it wasn’t the case, but I wanted some remission from the ways that I was ignored and how it got to the point where my mom had a mouse run over her head.
People weren’t mentally ill I thought more then I thought the criminal system and mental health system was unjust and insane. It creates sanctions where it can basically demonize your life, and can place you in a cage for just trying to speak out and get help with real issues. It was as if someone on the opposite fear had told someone to just make this thing go away. And, in that thing. That would be me and my moms relationship being destroyed and the place I was living at get their way. It wasn’t out to settle my case as though it was real. It was out to set me up in a way where I would sound as though I was nuts, and look like I was nuts, but – it just wasn’t hearing me out, and nor was it willing to.
I wasn’t just feeling as though I was onto something – I felt that no matter what these people had done, and no matter what was to come, that I had already won this trial. It wasn’t maybe even going to be played out on earth, but in heaven.
I just hoped that I was able to get my story heard and in a way where they’d listen to me. I was screaming for help because I had people telling me as though – I wouldn’t find anyone that cared. I sure felt though that I found the few that did, because – sometimes, I don’t think I’d be where I am right now if I didn’t. I had faith the God had this thing, and I felt safe in knowing that I was being heard for once. I had faith that I was going to squash this thing one way or another.
Seroquel; was made to treat bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, major depressive disorder, alzheimers disease, and other mental health conditions. It’s primary use was to treat bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia, but for me there was no diagnosis but mental illness. The psychiatrist was saying that I was very mentally ill, and that I was basically sick. But, that I needed to take one of the medications which I was 100% against taking. I wanted a chance to get healthy and have what wasn’t feeling like tyranny all around me. I wanted to not feel so set up to this place in a way where everyone could believe that I was nuts. I knew I wasn’t nuts – when I felt more clear headed then a lot of people could say in my situation. I might get a little sad at times and frustrated – but, who wouldn’t? But, it wasn’t to a point where I’d be asking for medications. I was asking for what I was asking for… Things like my money from my job and my unpaid work hours, things like help with the mice issue where the computers were hacked, and things like the concern that I was not being treated right where I lived. I had a real issue where a lot of people I felt were concerned, and concerned about me. But, I was also being told to take my posts down out of fear that someone would be out to hurt me and hurt me bad, and in that hurt – I didn’t care. I didn’t care what they were willing to do because I wanted my neighbors on my side. (like my family and community) I fought to let it be known what I was dealing with – even though it was hard to talk about because it was a body lice issue where I felt like I was never going to get out of. And, I know that no matter what my mom would say, that she felt them too, and had issues with that as well. And, even though we couldn’t get it in writing from the health departments or from emergency visits with me – I knew in my heart that someone heard my story. And, if it wasn’t heard – “maybe, one day it will,” I thought, because it was one that was needing to be heard.
I also experienced things like high blood pressure, and a high pulse rate, an increased appetite, lethargy, agitation and irritation to a severe pain in my chest that wasn’t emotional. I was already emotional, and I didn’t need extra pain in my chest. I felt it was most assuredly added onto what was already stressful, and just to push me over the edge so-to-speak where I felt as though this world might have not been trying to kill me – but it certainly felt that it was. My mouth was hurting and my tongue was swollen and I thought that these should be added to the list of side-effects of that medication. I also had more anxiety in that agitation where it made it harder to sleep. So, with all of these things happening now – tell me how I’m supposed to be feeling as though I was given some help?
I know that I was terribly affected by medications and I couldn’t tell people that it seemed as though – they just wanted me to fall and be on medications. They didn’t want me speaking out because they didn’t want to have to take a part in my quest here. The journey was too hard, and I was up against a lot of people and a lot of odds – where I felt I knew a thing or two about corruption. I knew that you could call cops and the cops could kill you these days, and create sanctions for their actions and keep killing people because they can continue working in the same field. But, I also knew the commandments that God gave us, one of which being, thou shall not kill. And, yet people were getting killed and killing themselves all over this God forsaken world, and I hated this world because of it! I hated this hatred I felt, and I hated the people that I bled to care for. But, it wasn’t because I really hated them over it was because I loved them so dearly that I was pissed off at them for all the evil that I saw people were willing to take part in for money. I wanted people just to carefully care more in their maintenance, and in the ways that they were dealing with me, and paying me, or helping me. Hell, I thought my America was my friend until it showed me that it wasn’t my friend. Hell, I believed in all the resources that people told me that they had – that were out to help people in my position until I feared that they were infiltrated to a point where getting this kind of story out wasn’t easy to do.
All I knew was something had to be done, and I wanted God to use me in a way that I didn’t think I had the ability to. And, He did. I apologized to all of my friends, and I made amends with my loved ones. I also told them how much that I cared and I was able to show them even though I wasn’t able to drive to them and see them, I could leave a part of me in a story and show them how much I cared in it. Even, if they weren’t willing to listen to my story – I had quite a story to tell. I just hope that you now read it, because it took a lot to write it out. And, I needed you to read it so that you knew what happened while you walked away, and walked out that door that I was still facing things that made my heart hurt more. I just don’t think people know what they were in there fighting for, but it was for their lives in a way where I didn’t feel it was quite right. People were fighting for – to figure things out, and feeling as though they were lost in their attempt at life, and that they used to have beautiful things in their life that were somehow leading them into this misery. I just, I couldn’t understand what all of this pain and pressure was for.
So I lost a lot of my abilities in life because I had a dream in my heart bigger then what this world was willing to offer up to my abilities in life. I had, something better though in the end, because I realized that it was all His and not my will being done. Because, in those long showers I realized something. I realized that God was answering my prayers in a way like never before. Telling me in my heart and showing me how not to give up – and not to give in to all this bull shit when I felt I had a sound mind that was being destroyed by the things that were happening to me. It was my story, with a happy ending whether you saw it or not. I was free! These people were tricked by their money, and not knowing the kinds of things they were doing, and even had they known that they were hurting me really badly inside – and in ways that I was feeling traumatized, I still knew that what I had was better then what these people thought they had. I knew that I had won, because I wrote this story. And, I knew that somewhere – someone was going to get something out of it and see where I was at and see that I was telling the truth about my experiences at Woodlawn Terrace and with the manager where I was working at the time.
In my mind I made the story of how I wanted things to go, and that was my happy ending. I saw something that they couldn’t see. I saw hope!