Chapter 10
My Release From the Mental Hospital & Unjust Insanity
The next day, God came through for me in a big time way, and seemed to take control over the situation because I got the news that I was going to be released. The psychiatrist thought I was very mentally ill and thinks that I needed to stop obsessing about it and move on with my life. What she wasn’t allowing me to say, or to stick up for myself in saying that I had been doing everything that I could at one point applying for every job I could think of within walking distance to get to and from work – I asked for old jobs back and was denied, and I wanted to get something where I could go forward, but no one see’s the steps that I was willing to take or that I even tried earnestly. They just saw that I was too preoccupied with it, and I was in way. Who wouldn’t be a little consumed by what I was going through? In the same way that when I got excited about something in a good way, I just didn’t shut up about it… because I was excited, I would also be upset and those feelings of frustration and anger in a way where it was really hard to control my emotions got to be unbearable for me. I knew that other people in the world were feeling things too, so I studied it, and found that they were. Lots of black mold issues where people felt itchy to the point where they didn’t know where it was coming from, because – for the most part you can live with black mold for a while before it’s going to start to affect you in the ways that I felt it affected me. One year of it was different then four and eight years was different then two minutes. There is lots of links online, that link black molds to cancer. It’s just not something that needed to be taken so lightly by the people that I thought were my advocates. America was supposed to be my help in this, and I called out for help with these issues, but calling for help in America had begun acting more like you were calling for more hurt. I was super scared and just didn’t want to be stuck in that place and end up dying this way.
I said, that I don’t think I’m mentally ill, over just truly concerned about some things, but nothing I said seemed to matter in that place. It was in a fashion taking over my life and in negative ways where I thought to myself, “if I’m sincerely mentally ill, then it was aggravated mental illness and that I wouldn’t otherwise just be mentally ill.” Sure I can be sad about these things, because anyone would be sad about these things happening to them, but I didn’t need depression medication for something like this. I just needed a different opinion, and said that I wanted to get a second opinion. If the second one didn’t work, I wanted a third and I’d keep going until I couldn’t find one practitioner to side with me, I would keep trying to find one until did. I wasn’t going to just take the fact that I was mentally ill up on my own behalf, or that this sadness and frustration needed some pill shoved down my throat for it. I needed something else. I wanted people to care, and I wanted to speak with someone that made my life matter. It’s just been a really rough year for me, and I’ve become affected in a way where I wouldn’t wish what had gone on with me to happen to anybody. I was scared! I wasn’t preoccupied with it, but I was scared because it was as if I was being diagnosed with schizophrenia or something that I didn’t feel I had. I wasn’t depressed because I felt an insatiable desire to live, and to do good in life – and those feelings still continued through what I was going through here. I didn’t want to die this way is what I thought in the same ways that Henry had said earlier. I just didn’t want any of this crap. And it was.., it was complete crap!
Not one person needs to go through the experiences that I was faced with, and I was out to stop it, and put an end to it. My own worst enemy I wouldn’t wish this stuff upon. Would you be able to focus all your energy on something else if you were feeling what I was truly going through? Place yourself in this story as if that was happening to you. Where would you go and what would you do? Where would you run, and who would you turn to?
I knew that things outside of myself were affecting me and a lot of my life was feeling taken over by a new world of pain, and after the facts of feeling as though I didn’t really get help, it also hurts where I personally have gone into hospitals and doctors myself trying to alleviate that situation and the pain that I felt – but, I just didn’t want those drugs that made me lose jobs, and make me feel so sedated. It also hurt that I felt like my life was being suppressed in a way, that if I was not supposed to be able to speak up about these things, that I had to come up with a new plan of action. I knew that if I prayed right though – that I had more of a chance of winning this battle – even had it killed me because, I knew God was bigger then all of this was. I knew my God could do anything! And, if it didn’t happen here – I felt it could happen in heaven, so I didn’t care what people thought of me anymore. I just knew that what I was after in life was right, and that I wanted justice and not this deterioration of my physical reality and my mental health. My world view had become askew. Wouldn’t yours?
I had been struggling for some time before this and just knew that if my family had gotten involved sooner in my care that it wouldn’t have come this far. I needed their help sooner then later. I got tired of hearing how little people could help when dealing with everything that we were going through at the time and I was asking for help from family and friends at the time, but – when it came to how things happened and in the ways that they happened they had just gotten so bad. Then, and only then did people get on board with the fact that I needed help. I was feeling aggravated by the pressures that I was feeling at the time and with all of these things happening, who wouldn’t be? Talk about stress – these things were literally killing me, I was thinking, as stress being the leading cause of death in this country – right next to suicide, or was it suicide right next to stress, because I couldn’t tell? I found the facts of these things appalling. But still I felt that family counseling would be a better option then everything that I was going through. And, this is what I was wanting – because I just wanted to be able to talk to my family about the things that were concerning me, and I wanted to get everyone on the same page with how we could all be a better support for each other then a liability where some of us just had such opposite views of things. I just really needed that, and didn’t know the first thing about how to get it. Of course, I’d think more practically and just assume that none of this was going to happen, and it still hasn’t happened, but at one point, in a few different settings, this was the number one thing that was recommended. I’ve heard that you’re right Matthew and that it seems as though your family is not on the same page with you. I just needed the support long before something this tragic was even happening. And, what I was really talking about here was the case that I had against these people, where my mom and I are going in separate directions now where if we had been together on these issues – we’d be quite possibly able to get that million dollar case settlement for the ways that we were being ignored and disregarded in our concerns with the building management where we lived.