Misread, Misunderstood & Miserable January 6th

Chapter 5
 

I woke up feeling aside of myself in a way where I didn't feel like myself.  I felt sucked out of my natural state of mind and natural energies.  I woke up feeling emotional and in pain.  I just wanted the opportunity to get a job and be paid correctly before being given these pills.  I wanted the chance at having a normalcy in life without medications.  It's stated that I'm too preoccupied, and I am in a way, but it wasn't all like they thought it was.  I was able to think about other things, I was just trying to really get these things off my chest.  I've just been left alone in a way where I was unable to talk to my mom and regardless what had happened I knew that my mom would also like to hear from her own son.  She's my mom and I should have been able to talk to her about these things before the cops got involved in a way that was also leading me into more painstaking positions.  I'm really scared because I knew I didn't deserve jail over what was happening to me – I deserved help.  I thought, “What if my mom had a concern or really needed to talk to me and couldn't?”  I thought many things like that and I just really wanted to call my mom.  I knew my mom might not have that long to live so I wanted to be there for her, even though she's a little nutty at times, I still loved my mom.  She was my mom!  It's truly sad when I've witnessed my own mom slip out of herself in a way where I wasn't so sure she would have been able to call 911 and thought that I was witnessing my own mom die.  You try to take on that job!  It was hard to do!  I thought, “Something like that could happen again and no one would be there to help her.”  I thought, “what a shameful place to be in, and if something happened to my mom during all of this, I wouldn't blame her health, I would blame this world for not caring careful enough through what we were mentioning to the management and what I was writing to attorneys and lawyers all over.”  I'm petrified of losing my mom and I felt that I had where I was concerned.
 

I just wanted my story to have a happy ending, though I was in a Mental Hospital being placed on a civil commitment, I was trying to make the best of my time while I was there and find the silver lining while I was there.  I did crafts in the Occupational Therapy room, and wrote out my feelings to what was happening, and I made a dream catcher for the first time in my life.  I was thinking of a friend when I made it and I thought about a lot of friends and family while in there.  I just wanted to say in a beautiful way that I loved my friends and family – I only wish that I could figure out how to show it more and better then I had been able to in the past dealing with all this crud.
 

I spoke with the Hennepin county nurse to go through my case with me to see what kind of commitment that I had here.  He states that he didn't think that I needed to be held here for delusional-parasites, or for having, “delusions” of parasites whether real or not.  Ultimately, I told him that I didn't believe that I belonged here but that I needed some help with the situations that I was dealing with.  I really needed people to see that I was not having delusions about it – but, that I was extremely concerned about myself and the well-being of a lot of people that might also be having some concerns that they were afraid to share.  I didn't want to think that anyone should have had to live as I've had to and I really needed people to know that it wasn’t all in my head.  My hope is that people won't have to fight as hard as I've had to while experiencing a real scenario of bugs in a real situation where a lot of the world will recognize it as hallucinations or delusions when it was a very real thing that I was going through.  My hopes where to help people fight for what is right no matter what they were up against, as a lot of times I felt as though people were up against a lot.  A lot more then people should be going through people were going through hell with the truth in their own hearts.  I most certainly was up against a lot of things where I was concerned because I not only felt that I had a strategy for dealing with an issue like I have been going through, but I felt as though it could be under control before it begins affecting more and more people.  I also had a strategy and a plan to get rid of the itch completely.  It was as if I was a better doctor for myself had I been given the ability just to try it.
 

He also stated that he didn't think it was right if I was going to be held there if I was having concerns about how I was being treated in their care or if I was feeling scared – which I was, and I didn't know what to really make of all of it.  Overall, I just wanted whatever help that I was able to get to and utilize it to my advantage, and see the silver lining in the Mental Hospital, but I didn't think that it was a fair place for me to go and I felt it was a most scary place to be where I felt like my concerns were going unheard where I dealt with a real infestation.  I wasn't all out of sorts with the people there, but I was really feeling angst to the point of feeling it's wrong and unhealthy for people to be stuck up between walls and in a square footage of their world so that they can suffer cravings and addiction issues all at once.  I'm a firm believer that there is better natural healing in the world outside and that a necessary walk outside and fresh air was way more needed then what I was getting.  The filtered air and the care that it doesn't provide is the issue I felt and that it could even become a place to traumatize people – maybe even torture people.  People were most definitely traumatized whether they were having to be there for a real mental health issue or not.  I felt that mental health issues could most definitely be created from the kinds of stress that I saw around me.  The people who don't smoke cigarette's for an example really didn't have a clue as to what smokers were going through, and placing them into withdrawals without forewarning a person, when I had gone in willfully, was just not exposing me to elements that I felt a person needed, but rather to an enforced way of tricking you into care – where I felt there was things hidden going on around my name and about me personally.  If a person wants to quit and wants to commit themselves, that’s a whole different story, but when a person is held against their will, I believe it is wrong when I went to the place willingly – I should also be able to leave willfully as well.  If they can have this many paid employee’s and these people can't walk with these people and experience the same things with them, it's not helping them, and it's taking them out of their own element to place them into their own.  It's kind of a backwards way to care for someone who is trying super hard to ask for help in the ways that they needed.  I felt a really strong urge to go forward in life and fly where, not literally flying, but just being able to set my goals and to get goals met and at the same time keep positive things happening in your life over this bull shit I was now living.  But, people in this case where definitely scary.  It's more like you can't trust them.  How do you trust them with all these things going on, and you're asking for help and just not getting what you thought was help – or justice – or your human rights.  You want to be heard?  In other words, it was – good luck!  Because people don’t want you to be heard, I thought, so much so – that they were willing to give you something else instead of care – you’re being hurt!
 

The people there were great, and for the most part they were super nice – it was really hard in there and I wanted people to really know how hard it was.  And, though people were nice, it did seem as though it was quite odd how they weren’t accepting my story as true over telling me that I’m delusional.  I know it’s weird but, I really did experience some things in that apartment where I don’t feel is right and by law – I feel as though I should be protected by the law, and I wasn’t.  They couldn’t even help me secure the laws that they made for people in my position over creating a whole new healthcare system where people like me were being told that it’s delusions when – it wasn’t delusions, I dealt with a real infestation where I lived and I wanted justice.
 

I ate as my brother and one of my nephews came to visit me and I was having a hard time with swearing, it was one of my goals to stop swearing ever again and especially in front of children.  It's just the way that I truly was, and within stress – sometimes you're not as aware of the choice words you are using, so I was really trying hard to stop swearing.  The word “Fuck” among others had become an issue for me.  I didn't want to teach this kind of thing to the kids, but – I was super stressed with some conversations that I was having with people about what I was experiencing.  You know when you realize something has become a bad habit, and you have the power to change those bad habits.  I don't care what a person does, but if they want to change – they can change and should be given the ability to change.  If they work hard at it, and become as aware of it as you can, you can change.  I believe that people can change is what I'm saying.  Inside of my heart, I knew that I could change and in that will I knew that I did change.  Beautiful things can start to happen when you're willing to change, and admit to some things that you're doing to yourself and tell yourself over and over if you have to change, that you can change.  You can always change your direction in life.  If you want it bad enough – you're going to make that thing happen.  If you want a song written – you're going to write that song!  If you want the whole world to hear you, for once – don't stop trying to get them to listen to you.  One day you will get them to listen and it'll be one of the best days of your life.  When you feel as though you're not being heard for the things you're truly were experiencing over what people think of what you're experiencing or want to think – life can most assuredly take a turn where you're feeling trapped, and unable to speak and unable to get out of the bad situations.  Don't feel trapped!  Don't let this world cage the goodness in your heart that you have to give to others, because I don't believe that these people have nothing to offer, and I believe that people have a lot to offer inside of their own hearts.  Sometimes people have more to give then they know or even realize they have.
 

If you can't take anyone's words to heart – please take my advice right now.  You can change, and you can become anything that you want to become, but you have to know that you're worth more, and offer the things that you want the most.  Cherish your time with family and the people that matter most to you.  Life is too short and our time is too short so spend it with the ones you love.  You can change and you can offer the world something better.  But, you have to legitimately believe that you're worth more then whatever this world is offering you, and that you want to make those better things happen.  I believe you will!  If no one else has faith in you – Just remember these words, “I do!”