Bad People & The Criminal Justice Departments
 

Chapter 6

I just didn't know how bad it had got where my mom was concerned, I didn't know if she was more of a liability then it was worth, or if I needed to really scream louder to get help.  I didn’t know what I was going to do.  I was scared that she was dying in that apartment, even if no one could see it, and that the building-code was not up to code and causing us more issues in that place then I was able to prove, and even with pictures of proof.  Nothing I did was enough because the Criminal Justice system was protecting the apartment manager – but certainly was seeming it didn’t care anything about me, or what I was trying to bring to the front-line of the battle that I was facing.  I just wanted people to decipher for themselves what I was going through, and whether or not what I was saying was true or not.  I didn’t care, because I knew that what was going on in my heart was real about the situations that I was being faced with.
 

My brother put it into perspective though that what I was up against was possibly staying in jail for two years and it didn't make me exactly happy about it when I loved my mom and my family more then they could possibly even know right now.  Nor did I feel it was right how I was being treated.  But, I wanted to show them somehow, so I wrote this story.  I thought it was the best gift that anyone could ever get, to know how hurting I was that I was able to get through this whole thing.  Re-live the thing in my mind and see the story that it could create.  I saw the silver lining in everything I could and I found it in my heart.  I wanted to be a poet; a singer, a songwriter, and artist, a drummer, a book writer, an entertainer, a lover, a father a brother, an uncle, a cop, a spy (at one point) I wanted to do a lot of things, but right now, the only thing that I wanted to do was fix this one thing.  I wanted to fix the building where I was living and stop the pain that was circling around my life.
 

That was never letting another person experience what I did in where I was living.  I was dying inside, and at one point I wanted to die so bad that I thought of suicide and just stopped myself and told myself that it wasn't death that I wanted, but it was definitely a LIFE I was seeking!  I had a strong will, and I wanted people to see it and that I was encouraging myself on my own more without medications then with them.  If I could change one thing right now and make it right – it'd be exactly that.  To never let a person go through what I've been through on medications and off medications and feeling as though these medications mess you up worse then just never having them.  I wish someone gave me that advice a long time ago – I would’ve used it.  I wanted to give people something that they never had before.  I guess, I'll let you decide what you think that thing is.  But I knew what it was because I felt it in my heart, and in it I saw everything beautiful, because I had a love.  A love so strong that you couldn't refuse.  What was it called.  It was love.  God gave me love, and more love to give – and even in times that people that I thought that I had nothing to give – I gave something alright – because I gave a piece of myself that they didn’t know existed.  People weren't a witness to what I was trying to give.  And, how could they?  I wasn’t paid or paid right by my employer!  And, I was being treated like dirt by the world around me where I was asking for help and feeling as though it was a war on my soul, my mind and everything that I had inside.  It was a war over me.., Chase Dreams.
 

I didn't know what I'd buy with that money, and that didn't matter to me anymore, because I could give something better then what money could buy.  I could give them my heart.  And, what's better then a goodness in your heart?  Nothing.  Nothing is better then a goodness you feel in your heart, because when you feel that it's right – you were right!  Your heart is what you gives you strength and you lay everything on the line to give it to someone else.  Go after your dreams and chase them with all your mite.  Who are they to stop you?  When if you believed in God – you’re protected by a fire greater then whatever crimes they were protected by.    
 

I was having a really hard time with my dreams, if you can tell, but – it didn't mean that one day couldn't come.  And, if it didn't come, I had a feeling as though I was already being protected in them, just through this caging feeling where I was feeling better then if I had got all those other things that money and a nice home would do for me.  I felt that I had something better.  I had a fricken story to tell and I wasn't afraid to tell it.  I felt as though I was empowered through pain and in the thought as if a whole song were playing and I felt all these emotions, I could really become a singer if I wanted to.  I had so much passion that I didn't just want to ever set it down.  And, the feeling I was feeling in my heart told me not to stop either.  So, why would I?  Why should I stop?