Misunderstood & Feeling Miserable About It...

Chapter 1  

So, I went into Regions expecting to take care of a psych-evaluation that the courts had ordered to get done, and along with that I was feeling what felt like residual lice still from where I was living in at the time I had at Woodlawn Terrace Apartments.  I felt it was dire to get this information out to the public and had nowhere to get computer access for long enough as you should be aware that you can’t have your clothes or any of your stuff while on a commitment.  With that being said, I wrote about the experience and burned up a whole pen while in there care.
 

So as I went in for the evaluation and to determine if I had lice – and I was told that I didn’t have any lice or parasite on me, and yet I was feeling them, and I seen other people while in their that I thought felt them too.  Including the workers even though they didn’t say they did, I could see people scratching themselves more, and when a new worker would come in, and read my case as my new nurse or whoever – I’d find them jumping up out of their chairs and starting to clean around their work-place more, and just seemed odd; not in the fact they’d clean, but in the fact of how it was done.  I personally believe that some of the people working there and some of the patients there were going to be feeling a little bit of what I was feeling.  Maybe I’m wrong, but allow me to elaborate.
 

So, I wanted to leave as bad as anyone else would – and I was placed on a 72 Hour hold that turned into a 120 Hour hold because weekends didn’t count, and neither did the previous day.  I ended up in their for 5 days.  It was not a fun experience to go through – nor do I think anyone should need to be placed in this worlds care unwillingly.  Nevertheless, just before I was about to be released, I found it wrong how I was being dealt with, and noticed the people placing my things in odd places – and unlike where other peoples things were.  They took their clothes and things out of one giant orange bag, while mine was split between my room, out in the exterior hallway, and the wallet and things like that were still in the orange bag.  No one really knew where the rest of my things were by the time I left – because it was never communicated too well where they had put all my things.  I felt that my things were dispersed the way they were based on the fear and anxiety that lice and especially body lice had brought up.  It was a most uncomfortable feeling that I saw people getting all their things at once and while I was leaving why was I treated differently then they were, and never having an issue with where their things were until I was getting released no one knew where my things were.  There was definitely some fear there where my things were where I was concerned as I was feeling like a host for body lice – not to gross anyone out, it’s real pertinent to me that you read the rest of my story.
 

I didn’t want to take that I was mentally ill and the words just hurt me saying that I needed medications to help me.  What was written is that I was mentally ill, and that the psychiatrist thought I was very mentally ill, and that I’m too preoccupied with the mice, and the lice and the bugs and things like that to a point where I wasn’t able to focus my energy into anything good.  This was a lie, as I was working towards finding another job, and doing things to move myself in a positive direction through what I was facing there at the apartment along with not being paid correctly from the time that I was putting into working as a personal care attendant for my mom.  My mom told me that she would work with me after the holidays on these matters, and I wasn’t able to get one of those holidays for the last two years it felt like, so I was extremely upset at the fact of not being able to take part in the holidays and fun times, though I was able to take part in cleaning up after the mice and running up to the store for lice killing shampoo’s and things like that while my mom was not telling my brothers and my sister what was going on so that she could still see them and see her grand-kids and my nieces and nephews.
 

I was scared because I was also having legal concerns in the fact that somehow I’m not being treated fairly and I’ve been having to fight tooth and nail just to get the services or medications that I was trying to get.  So, it felt like even though I had medical assistance that I was unable to get the services that go along with that medical assistance.  I was really there and trying really hard to stay positive in a nightmarish environment and with all these other issues happening, I felt as though I had no resource left to go to about my concerns, where I felt I was not being treated fairly at all.  At all!  I was continuing to look for work, and finding side jobs, and really pushing myself through not being able to sleep to continue to look for work and keep a positive mental attitude about things.  As you can tell, that positive ended where I was hurt by not only how I felt my mom was willing to treat me, but that the system was somehow not treating me well in the way of medications or services.  I truly had fear for where my life was being abruptly disconnected from any natural living.
 

It was written that you are able to speak freely without censorship, but there was no real outlet to be able to speak freely to your family and friends, and I was now on a no contact order my mom had placed – and tried to get it lifted after the fact, but as you should know once a no contact order is placed.  You, nor the party placing it can lift it but the courts.  I knew my mom wanted to talk to me, and be able to talk to me still, and I hoped that she knew how badly I wanted to talk to her – just to apologize to her for how stressed out I got, and how badly that these things affected me.  But, I knew it was in God’s hands now, and that’s fairly where I was trying to leave this every night.  I just couldn’t handle how bad my heart was hurt over these things – but, I was still going to think positive and not let these things make me get down.  I had a lot that I wanted to accomplish yet in life, and I wanted to be able to do them without all these issues.  I wanted pay, and I wanted to get paid on time.  I wanted to tell management about the issues and have things done about them, where holes into the foundation were taken care of, and a proper inspection was to be done.  On top of all these issues – I still wanted a life outside of this mess.  I wished that I could have gone back, because I wouldn’t have stayed in it, and I would have rather had gone homeless and left all my things behind then deal with it the ways that I now had to.
 

All I felt was, where is my life where I’ve been concerned?  I was the one cleaning up the mice, and getting the worst happening to me, where I was feeling lice on and off for a whole year and then some.  I knew I had tenant rental rights to secure, and I knew I needed to secure them fast and get these things done, I just was left alone in it and was scared that I was going to end up dying this way.  I wanted relief from the ways I and my mom at points felt forced to live.  And, how was it right that I was going through all this turmoil now with the courts simply because of how ruined my mom and I’s relationship had become.  It was tarnished for a number of reasons, but the main reasons were I was not getting paid, and not getting maintenance issues dealt with in any appropriate manner.  Simply calling an exterminator was not solving the issue here, when the issue was the foundation, and it was a foundation issue from the beginning.    
 

With all of our concerns and my personal letters with the management, I never received a letter back even and I felt as though I was being left in all these concerns.  I figured that by building code I was being left in imminent danger and I felt I had a case, and I was out for justice because no one needed to experience the things that I had been going through.  Not ever!  And, not another person ever!  According to building code that I read, it would have been a misdemeanor for every day that we were left in an infestation, and what would that tally up to when I was dealing with things every single day.  I just didn’t want another person to be moved into that apartment hell that I was living with and dealing with daily.  My mom didn’t have to clean up any one of these issues as I did, so I was left there to do a lot of grunt work that I felt were not what I was supposed to be doing, I just didn’t want to feel what I was going through anymore.  With the dangers that were present, I felt it was my right to speak out about the issues and, all the way to getting a lawyer and getting some justice for the things I was dealing with regardless on how it would settle in court – I just didn’t want one person to experience the things that I went through ever again.  It made me feel like dying, and through my studies – I found that people with similar concerns where taking their own lives all over this country, so I prayed about it and prayed really hard to be able to do as much as I did, and to write it out as well as I could.    
 

Is it my right?  Do I have rights?  And, when I found the laws that protected me – how would I go about securing them when I was broke – not to mention broken down and really scared.  Why was it so hard getting someone to listen to me and hear me out besides a counselor?  Could anyone see that I was detrimental; overwhelmed, and scared?  Could anyone see that I was just falling apart?  I didn’t think that I was mentally ill – over I felt that these people renting to us were mentally ill for leaving us in this kind of detriment.  I let the management know how bad it was there, and nothing was ever done about it.
 

Then, the wording was all wrong in why I was placed on a 72 hour hold, minus the weekend, which turned that hold into a 120 hour hold for the weekend not being included in that hold.  I was in so much pain.
 

The paperwork stated that, “Patient has paranoid delusions re: my apartment manager’s ‘conspiring’ to let me live with lice,” which wasn’t at all the reality in what I felt.  I felt that mentioning the issues to my apartment manager and just getting an exterminator it wasn’t enough.  It wasn’t a mouse that was brought in rather it was mice that were finding their way in.  Either way, the holes could have been fixed by maintenance and not by me, and their building inspector when they came could have come in our actual apartment home to find out what was going on.  But, even seeing the inspector there in 2015, no one ever came to our door – even though we had been asking for one since we moved into their apartments.  So, how is it legal that they are moving people into these apartments?  Because to me it wasn’t legal or should have been made illegal for them to continue moving people in with the kinds of concerns that I was left in.  In other words, I didn’t feel they were conspiring against me, rather they were just leaving us in concerns and never coming to do any maintenance work – and when they changed our locks for an example, they never gave us a time, or knocked or anything.  My mom and I were sleeping and woke up while the maintenance guy was finishing up his work.  What were they trying to pull – some fast one on us?  It was a what the hell is going on here type of situation.    
 

They had holes in their foundation, I was certain of.  I had pictures of holes, the holes in their ceiling, their roof that was leaky, and had people come out not just once to fix it but, 3-4 times, to do some band-aid work.  But, none of the work was securing the peoples on the top floor on the other side of the building.  They told me they were experiencing water leaks into their place.  I was truly after a tenants association to be built.  But, no one wanted to press as hard as I did.  Also, when you have water intrusion that is left there to puddle – you’re going to have black mold which is a health hazard, that is recognized by the people who have lived in it long enough to experience the effects from it, but was still being recognized by the world as fine because being in it for a day or two – you’ll live.  But, dealing with it for years, can become deadly I believe as I was unable to breathe.  I was unable to get that real good deep R.E.M. sleep in a long time.
 

The paperwork also states that I was too preoccupied with the mice and the lice issue and that my brother had mentioned that, “I would go and get a gun and go after the...” it literally didn’t want to even finish that thought and neither did I.  I knew what they were getting at, but it was totally wrong to think  that I would actually do something like that.  What I did say, is not something that I wish to go into great detail here, as I was not in the right mind state, my mind state was not in good standing as anyone would imagine it to be in, and the fact of the matter is that I didn’t have access to a gun, and furthermore, had I, I wouldn’t have been using it to go after people with no regard to the kind of life they are allowing people to live in.  What I was living in was dangerous.  I knew it was.  I doubt anyone cared, but I even found the code that protects me and secures my right to be after justice.  I wasn’t a killer though, and I thought my family knew that about me.  Most people see me short-stemmed, and don’t know the real me.  How could they?  They never got a chance to see who I was trying to be, so how the hell was I even supposed to act like myself?  This wasn’t me.  This was a fictional me, and a very well pushed me.  With all these pressures – no one would have been able to think rationally through these issues.  But, furthermore, this world was not allowing me to my things, and was not allowing me to even be able to collect my thoughts.  I know people cared about me, but they really had no clue what I was living with.  They had no clue the amount of lost sleep I was not getting, and if I could have counted hours that I lost for sleep – I’d say, it was enough to make anyone literally freak the hell out.  Everyone who knew me best told me they didn’t know how I was still able to be as calm as I was in it.  I knew if it were someone without a moral code to them – they wouldn’t have handled it as well as I did, and I’m not saying I handled it well – I’m just saying that I handled it as well as anyone in my position, I thought, could of.
 

I was just mad!  I knew I wrote enough letters, and showed proof in emails – each one showing the lawyers and the apartment management the extent of the imminent dangers they were leaving us in without a proper inspection.  In my mind – that inspector was paid off, and it had to be a nice sum of money.  But, that was because I was taught that these things happen and a lot in this country by my teacher who taught me carpentry.  My teacher was also a city inspector and told me that he actually got pissed if someone tried to bribe him with money – because he knew first hand how hard it can be for some of the people then who live in these places to secure their rental rights, and to live a natural way of life.  I was glad of just that one thing.  That I had a carpenters certificate, and that I went through school and I was smart.  Mind you, I got through school without medications.
 

I simply just wanted the hell I was going through to stop.  I wanted to stop crying, and stop feeling so lethargic over the situations.  I was unable to live a natural progression due to a few cases that I was feeling were set up on me.  I was also a whistle-blower because state people can be involved in the same kinds of things that were presented against me.  I was looking for someone to come around the corner and say that I was being punk’d and here is your new home!  I literally thought there was people in the world that could have been working on surprising me, as I wanted to do good things for people and not hurt.  I couldn’t join the worlds operation – so, I was being hurt in it over getting any kind of help.
 

I know I was not experiencing paranoid delusions or having delusional parasitosis, which is imagining there are bugs on me that don’t exist.  But, what I was experiencing was that I had legitimate lice and other unknowns jumping around me, especially when cleaning up one mouse – it was obviously a sick mouse, and when it got to my mouse trap – instead of seeing food, it probably wanted relief from the bugs itself – as I saw on it’s fur what looked like lice and parasites everywhere.  As I was trying to clean it up, I saw things were jumping off of it, and onto the floor and wherever they went.  I immediately after started feeling buggy all over, and my mom left me in it for a week or so…  I was coming to her every day detrimental inside saying, “Mom, please help me get some lice killing shampoo, I’m suffering here – I can’t sleep – all I’m doing here is trying to take care of you, and I’m feeling REALLY buggy Mom, please help me!”  And, for a whole week, money was more important to her then helping me get rid of the damn things.  So, I was scared because every night got worse and worse.  I was waking up sooner and sooner and feeling freakishly grossed out.  (Sorry for the readers here, as this was very REAL.)  Take a break, and come back to reading this, because it gets really bad.
 

I was scared that I could hurt myself.  I was scared that I was feeling like dying myself as I was scared to go in front of people – for fear I would just be giving it to them, and them back to me.  So, it was a lot harder to take care of then I ever wished.  But, the money wasn’t the issue here, nor was my mom the real issue here.  The real issue was that we never had an inspection before moving into the apartment where there had been a known bug issue prior to us living there and a sewer back-up, that flooded the entire basement, and this was let known to us that it was never recorded, and never inspected.  The place in other words wanted to keep everything nip and tuck with their city officials who might have cared that they would do such a thing, and now we are living in absolute hell.  At least I was.  I knew, by day 3 I believe that I was going to be scarred for life.
 

And, I was so scarred.  I was never going to be the same again, I thought.  My mind was a mess, and every single day, I showered 3,4,5 even 6,7 times a day.  I didn’t have any money!  I wasn’t being paid from my job at all at that time, and I was feeling scared that I was being set up.  I was scared of everything.  I was scared of me, scared of you.  So freakishly scared you had no clue what I was going through.  The slightest breeze that touched my skin made me feel like – depressed!  Even though in my mind I wasn’t so much as I was pissed off!  I wanted remission for the things that I was going through!    
 

This was so hard to re-visit – I just bawled out of nowhere just now, as I couldn’t barely even write it! (Choose a swear word to say and say it loudly)
 

Someone told me not to re-visit this, because it’s not a place you want to go back to – but, I needed to I felt in this case where I was feeling as though care-givers weren’t even treating me fairly.  I feared they had anxieties right away about what I had been going through.  And, like I stated earlier, I was detrimental to go around people, neighbors, friends and even family, as I really didn’t want my family to get these issues – these feelings, and what I knew in my mind were lice and dust mites.  I saw people everywhere I went, get sick, coughing, sneezing suddenly and unexpectedly – as if a body lice was jumping in their noses and throats and getting people sick.  Wouldn’t you have a little fear?  Wouldn’t you feel like dying?  I didn’t want to die, I just wanted relief!
 

It was real!  Not fake!  I had experienced real things that made me scared to speak-out.  I was scared asking for help.  I was scared calling for help, and I was just scared.  Plain old scared!
 

I was most certain that finding a lawyer was definitely and mostly from my uncertainty in the laws.  The laws that protected me weren’t protecting me rather protecting the management here.  I was literally and formally scared!
 

Mounds View Minnesota building code protected me to learn my rights, and learn the process, but I was unable to get those processes started.  I was grateful to be in the Hospital and not at home dealing with the things I was going through because I had an actual bed I could sleep in, and I was being fed but in my heart the pain was unreal because I knew both I and my mom would want to talk to each other.  At least I hoped my mom wanted to talk to me.  I wanted to talk to her sooner then later as I still truly just wanted to get legal help with my concerns before I died.  I didn’t care so much about the money over the fact that I didn’t want anyone to go through what I was feeling.  Especially not the children.  Instead of getting help, I fear, my concerns landed me in jail which I wrote about previously, and with my actions I never meant to do felt more like I was being manipulated more then anything – I didn’t want to hurt anyone, especially not my own mom, but I was literally going out of my mind with the things that were eating away at me.  Frustration was all that I was feeling, and fear based on how this world was willing to handle this – or shall I say, not handle the situation that I had going on over making it seem as though it’s all hallucinations.
 

My mom and I always had a good relationship and we loved each other dearly, and she just wanted me to get help with how I was feeling saying that she wasn’t feeling what I was feeling.  Though, that was a lie – because I legitimately walked up to the store numerous times strictly for products to secure the ways that she was feeling itchy at times, and in denial at other times.  We bagged up our clothes and did numerous loads of laundry in ways that we should have never had to do.
 

Finding the silver lining in the Woodlawn Terrace Apartments Hell, my hope was that I was going to be able to find a job where I can progressively move my life forward while at the same time that I could be finding resources for a guy in my situation as the tenants association thing I tried didn’t work because people were living in urban blight.  People were too caught up with their drug of choice to press for their concerns and didn’t want to deal with retaliatory behaviors.  I was even told to take down my steemian posts in fear for me to deal with retaliatory behaviors.  I feel as though they were already retaliating in ways that were unseen to the naked eye.  There was more here that met the eye, and I felt it in my gut – and with that being said, my gut feelings haven’t ever been wrong.
 

I’d really like to find an attorney and speak with them about these issues.  I wanted a lawyer who could be my friend and not just an average case because I was broke.  I was enforced to be broke by the job that I had, sabotaging me financially right before being able to keep my car and get more work hours and progressively get more work hours and help as many people as possible.  Those were my goals and I was smashing goals left and right and setting more goals and breaking those goals too.  I just was having a hard time securing a position because I was offered jobs that the next day would resign the offer of employment.  I’ve never experienced that before living here.  I knew something wasn’t quite right.  I loved talking about the laws and how they should be better for the people and not for the system.  The laws I liked to talk about were the laws that protected human rights and the constitution.  I didn’t care for the Novus Ordo Seclorum that I felt this crap was.  This was New World Order type of things that I felt I was living with now, and I was scared of the roads, the maps and anything that you could find off of them.  I was scared of the ways the world was going so wrong and so quickly wrong.  It was as if they were just out to diminish peoples rights and for no reason other then to secure a poncy scheme over the people who didn’t know they had rights to secure – or how to go about securing them.  But, I knew they existed as I felt them in the frame of my very own heart.  I was forgiven for my sins.  At least that is how I felt in my heart, and that is how the Bible read to me.  I understood that people wanted me to forget about the issues that I was feeling but it was pertinent that they knew what I was going through when they walked away, and when I was still in it.  I was still scared.  I was still alone!  As no one there was willing to hear me tell them that what I experienced was real.  It’s as if the world was able to make this thing go away by calling it fake.  I needed more of my human family then ever right now.  I needed all my neighbors on my side with the things that they were experiencing.
 

I lived in a most unnatural way where I knew not one more person ever needed to go through the things that I was now living.  The experience was too much.  Too much maintenance that didn’t get done right, or done at all.  Too much pain from not getting paid.  Too much unbearable feelings that I haven’t been able to get dealt with.  Too many mice and far too many bugs, and especially lice and dust mites and other unknown known bugs that I saw and even captured on camera for fear that this world needed all this kind of proof.  I wanted that proof – so I was set out to get it.  Also, this stuff ruined my life.  It ruined my relationships where I could’ve talked to more people and was scared to, it ruined my life where my mom and I’s relationship was at stake, and it ruined my ability to live naturally where one paying rent shouldn’t have ever had to deal with the things that I was dealing with daily.  I’m still dealing with it.  I’m still trying to get my mind back to normal right now, as I know my head wasn’t going to be right after all of this.