The Scary Thing That Started Happening With Pills And Me 

Chapter 4
 

I just didn't want to be in here at all at this point.  That 2'nd day, I had woken up after 2 o'clock again after I had lunch and was just thinking about my friends and family and wanted to just get out and get a real job and was just feeling like screw this shit, I wanted someone to care truthfully about what I was going through and not tell me that I needed some pill, or that I was mentally ill.  You know what was mentally ill, in my mind?  It was that place and all these sick people.  That place was sick!  I wasn't sick for believing in God, and I wasn't ill for wanting help with my concerns.  I wasn't preoccupied with these issues more-over I was obsessing about them because who wouldn't be.  Put yourself in my shoes a minute – wouldn't you be a little obsessed about these things too?  Yeah, I'd like one person to tell me that going through all of this that they'd be able to manage just fine.  “Yeah Right,” I thought.
 

The psychiatrist came to see me today, and had spoken with my family and was recommending that I take an anti-psychotic medication given the choice of Resperidone, Zyprexa or Seroquel.  Believe it or not I knew how these things worked in here and knew that I really didn't have a choice so I chose Seroquel.  If I was to refuse taking something – all they would say is that I'm refusing to take medications and then have the courts decide for me what I needed to be on.  In this sentiment, you don't have a choice in putting a chemical into your body, because you're placed on what is called a Jarvis Order, where you have to take medications or end up being committed to a place like that and being forced to take the worlds medications.  I simply didn't agree to being forced so I was willing to take something.  I legitimately said I wanted to get better, but that I just didn't feel medications was the way to go.  I felt exercise and healthy living and a healthy diet was more needed then some pill.  I feared though that it was going to be recommended through the courts and that I would have been placed on a Jarvis.
 

I was thinking, “that sucks!”  Being forced to do anything as bad as what I was feeling after taking that medication, I was scared.  Who wouldn't be!?  She was saying that I was too preoccupied with wanting to get a lawyer and too preoccupied with the bugs and the mice that it was taking away from me getting a job and doing something in the community that would help me.  But, I wasn't.  I was setting goals and smashing them... I wanted out of that place worse then ever, but I wasn't just going to drop the concerns that I had.  I was feeling that these things were ruining the person that I would otherwise become had I not had issues with payment from my job, had I been able to save my car with the work I was putting in, and that I would be playing a game or doing something fun in my room still if I had a room to sleep in.  I wouldn't be here – I'd be enjoying my bed, and my friends and family.  There is no saying to where I'd be without all the issues that came up at the specific times that it had.  And, with my job – this was an ongoing battle.  The manager, if I could even call him that, was simply not working with me when I was doing everything right, and trying to work my way more into the company as I wanted to help more people get to better places then what they were living, and I knew that other people were living with some similar concerns.  As I studied this thing online, and all that I found was there was a lot of people across America that were suiciding themselves because of things like what I was being placed into.  That's scary when I wanted to live more then ever, and I'm being asked if I'm suicidal, homicidal or if I have thoughts of killing myself or if I wanted to hurt other people.  I cared way too much about people to hear these kinds of questions as if they were even close to anything that was going through my heart.  This world simply didn't understand my heart!
 

Can I say that these things ruined my life?  Or can I even say that these things quite possibly ruined a lot of my plans for life?  I wanted to buy gifts for my nieces and nephews and become more a part of my family and get involved in my life, but no one saw these things, and no one saw that I ever made the attempt in trying because they couldn't see that my hearts potential was hurting in a way where I knew – I just knew, that I would have been able to do those things had there not been such a hard position stopping me from getting my goals met.  I was simply smashing my goals and telling myself that no matter what happens, I'm just going to remain humble and keep plugging forward.  I was plugging along and doing all that I could do to keep a positive mental attitude – even where people didn't agree with me.
 

Now back to the topic of that pill that I took, it was a 100 mg Seroquel, and I was feeling some side effects along with it, I felt as though I was having an allergic reaction to it, mood or behavior changes – some were alright but – mostly bad, I felt agitation, restless, aggressive, anxiety heightened, muscle stiffness, a higher fever maybe or between cold and hot inside, night sweats, confusion, a faster and unsteady heart rate that was feeling more like my heart wanted to jump out of my chest, tremors even or shakiness that lasted a few hours, I felt as though I could pass-out, jerky muscle movements and twitches in my skin that I couldn't control.  I felt thirsty and overly hungry, and my tongue the next day had swelled up.  I felt nauseated and that I could vomit, and my chest felt tight and hurt, and not emotional pain in my chest but a physical pain that took a while before it got tolerable.
 

I was told that I would be started out on a very small dosage of medication and that it would increase up to 3-400 mg’s in the next few days, but I was not okay to keep taking a medication that made me feel all those negative ways. I took a 50 mg the next night and a 25 mg the night after that.  Each time I took this medication it made me feel like I was fighting to breathe and having incredible pain in my chest and my tongue was hurting.  I've never heard of that happening, but I felt that it was a side effect of that medication and that it was causing me to become restless as well.  I was restless already in the ways that I was there but it felt more like an aggravated restlessness, and just an awful feeling throughout my body.  I felt dizziness, weakness and faint even to a point where I'd have to lie down and try sleep at the same time that I felt like jumping out of my skin.  If these things are supposed to help people, I just didn't see how they could help anyone.  It seemed to me more of a psychosis that I took it, then before I came into the hospital.
 

I asked a buddy about these things because I was already afraid to take medications.  I hated being on any medication at all – even when I needed them unless it was an antibiotic treatment to help get rid of things in my body, but THAT was never given to me when I asked for it.  I also wanted a doctor to give me a physical while I was in there and that never happened either.  I felt ignored in my concerns and treated as though I was hallucinating rather then I ever had anything happen to me at all.  It was as if my own family was throwing me under the bus; and I couldn't figure out why.
 

I was feeling a lack of emotion, heart beating harder then usual and was not trying to feel worked up about it, but I was concerned and telling myself that I'm going to be okay.  The Doctor wouldn't prescribe something to me that would harm my health.  I felt my breathing slow down as if I was having a hard time yawning or catching my breath.  At this point I knew I just didn't want to be on this medication.  I felt as though I was just being given something to give it to me, and without any good reason for giving it to me without a mental health diagnosis – other then knowing how badly I just didn't want to take something that I might not need.  It seemed more or less like, you have to try something, or I am going to make a recommendation to the courts that you have to take something, and – this isn't right!  How is that right!?
 

“God, I'm scared,” I thought, and so I prayed about that as well.  All I felt that I needed was God, and no one wanted to allow me to just be alone to believe in God and just allowed to the thought that I was fine.  It was if someone had already a notion previously that I wasn't fine before giving me something that was telling them that I wasn't fine.  Is it contradicting to say that I could have managed fine without all these stressors and maybe that they weren't normal?  Might it be that I should yell and scream and tell these people to knock it the hell off – and stop doing what they are willing to do?  Couldn't I say that they were hurting a lot more people then they were helping!?  Couldn't I have a damn opinion that I wasn't going to be given some medication that was now going to be basically shoved down my throat by some psychiatrist.  I hold nothing against these people, but until I see them take it for their own mental health, I don't think anyone should be taking their pills.  Their killing more people then they help make live and from what I see – no one lives a better life in a practical sense from taking these pills – over just ends up feeling like their lives are sucked dry.  If that's helping people, we might as well just assume that shooting them does the same thing, because that's what I felt happened to me when I was addicted to medications.  I felt a suicidality that is 100% gone now, and I have such a will to live and help people get out of pain – way more then I felt this world ever could.
 

Just astonishing to me – that if you want to live, and do better things for yourself and others that you're pushed out of the arena of being able to live that life, help people and begin to work on bettering yourself to better other peoples lives.  I just don't think that there are too many great people in the world anymore and when I find some people – it's not as if they are everywhere.  There are more people hurting themselves then able to help anyone out and that hurt just spirals.  I was truly out to STOP  THIS!
 

Just stop the pain.  Someone sit with me and help me to stop the pain.  Don't bring me more pain, and don't give me some pill that tells me all the pain will go away and really gives me more pain to work with.  I just don't agree!  I sat on my foot once long enough and I didn't want to feel the pins and needles of that blood going back into my foot that way ever again.  If that is what we are doing to brains these days – God forbid!  That's sad!  I can see where some people need medications, but I can't see where all people need them, and it's silly to me that people need these things where they feel fine without them – or even have a desire to feel their absolute best without them.  Even at my worst times in life, I felt I was happy inside without these pills.  And so, I was fighting it because I didn't feel that I was sick or had a psychological illness over just needing what I was working toward, and working hard for the matter.  When I've taken pills before, I was depressed further and I would lose jobs.  I wanted to be humble and happy in my own regard.  Does anyone else get what I'm saying?  Doesn't anyone remember a time when people weren't just pilled up and that doctors could treat the physical body and not treat the mind with mind-numbing medications?  Does anyone remember who the hell they are anymore?  Sometimes, I wonder what this world is doing... and I think to myself that these are just people and people can sometimes do some very bad things and not even know it.  To me it just sounded like a game, like the ones they played over people with LSD in the 60's and early 70's known as MK Ultra.  It's likely a hoax if you asked me, and until someone can care enough about me to come fight this thing through, and tooth and nail to get these things figured out to where people can start doing real work so that others can live a natural life – I won't agree with this loopy thing that this worlds care is willing to do for your minds, and furthering people from having a heart at all.  I had a heart – and no matter who stabbed it, I was reassured inside of it that you couldn't kill it.  If that's too much for you to hear – you should try reading the Bible.  Talk to me about what Jesus spoke, and then tell me that the world needs medications as much as they are prescribing them.  Then tell me suicide didn't increase with these medications... because, I won't be on your side if you tell me that.  I'd be on the side of the mentally ill people who are saying that you're over-drugging them and making them feel worse.
 

Honestly, I'm offended!  Isn't anyone else?  How is it right when I tell people that I felt better without medications?  How is it even right?