Assembly-Line Approach to the Criminal Justice System & Mental Health: Unjust & Insane (Part 9)

 Chapter 9
 

Dealing With Black Mold & Vermin Infestation
 

With all the things that I’ve tried in life, life itself just didn’t want to change for the better, but I don’t believe I was mentally ill unless it was aggravated mental illness – in which case, I thought that I had been going a little crazy, but with the kinds of things that were happening – could you blame me?
 

I believed the world was mentally ill and it was all twisting and contorting your words in a way to make you sound in a way that you totally didn’t mean.  You could be joking even and though it might not be a funny joke because of what you were going through – you could be aggravated to even be in the position of saying something that you didn’t necessarily mean.  When you’re calling and looking for help and just unable to find that help – what are you supposed to do, just do what people normally do and give up and give in?  Hell No!  This was not what I felt people needed to do at all.  I felt they had to fight and to fight hard to do what was right.  I think people can see whether or not a person is truly sick, or just sick at heart and needed a place like this or not.  But, what I fear is that people are not only willing to use these places as a place that acts as though they care, but deep down – they don’t care at all more-over the fact that they get a paycheck.  What I am saying is that as much as people care and seem to care, they aren’t caring sincerely in a way that truly matters.  I’m saying that it’s a job, and a profession and love and care was not a true profession.  Not in the ways that their hearts are hurting here.  Sometimes, it’s places like that which are causing people more pain and distress then what it’s worth.  It wasn’t taking away pain – more then I saw it adding to that pain.  I knew I wasn’t so far gone to the point where I needed a place like this, over – I just needed a world that cared and could recognize the painstaking place that I was in.  I wanted to look for people that cared to look at my story and decipher for themselves what they thought was true or not.  But, at the end of the night I gave it all to God and it was because I knew this place was harnessing a lot of pain instead of harnessing that love.  In the end, I hope that I get to go to a better place then the earth can do for people because this world wasn’t my home.  And, that’s how I felt.  This place, and this earth was kind of a nightmare in the ways where I dreamed of having a life be a totally different way then what it was.  I wanted to help my family more then I was able to, and with the unpaid work hours and being able to get my car back and my license back – which I would have been able to do – I would have done more.  I would have – because that was my only goal at the time is just that I wanted to do more with family and do it in a way where I was independent and successful in my attempt.  But, I wasn’t because of the people that I was facing – the people that weren’t helping me from that apartment being so horrible, and the people that weren’t paying me at the times that they knew I needed the money.  They simply knew that I wasn’t going to make it if they didn’t pay me, and they didn’t want to see me coming in there to ask for more clients.  They were messing with my money, and at the same time it was messing with my mom and the care that I was able to give to her.
 

Bugs were all over me at one point, and this time I could really show people the actual bugs and they couldn’t deny seeing them if I had pictures proving their existence, but I was having panic attacks and asking what I thought could be the nicest people, but only appeared to be as nice in front of you, but when something was brought up where they couldn’t handle it, and had anxieties about it that they didn’t necessarily want to show, they truly didn’t care as they seemed and around you was the last place that they truly wanted to be.  And, you could see it – through the actions of a few as well.  It wasn’t so much that you needed to participate with groups and things like this because no one truly wanted you around where they were concerned with possibly becoming affected themselves with lice.  At this time, I specifically felt as though I just had a few residual bugs like I stated earlier, but I could sense the fear that other people had about my issue – even though it was treated as delusions, it was simply because in my eyes, and in my mind, it was just people that seemed to care, and quite possibly did care, just didn’t want to get lice on them for caring.  You could tell that people couldn’t handle it as what it was, so delusions was an easy way out of hearing the truth because they could make believe that it wasn’t something that was real, and that I was crazy.  It’s a lot easier to think that someone is crazy then admitting that something about what I was saying was true.
 

In this case, getting you to take medications was a much simpler way to face things over having to face something as dark and real as what I was facing.  I just hoped that they were going to be able to help themselves in the same way that I’ve been getting help, because I didn’t feel like it was help over feeling that I was being hurt further and placed further into the lies – that what I was going through was unreal and fake and seemed more like a hallucination then truth in what I was saying.  Hell, I would’ve loved it to be true that I was having hallucinations, but – I knew I wasn’t.  Other people were where I lived would vouch for me in the fact that I wasn’t lying about it, and that I was dealing with a real vermin infestation.   I wanted someone to confirm that what I was saying was actually true – because I was having a hard time dealing with it.  People were all geared up and telling me that I was sick and that I needed mental help.  And, although they were probably right to a point – it was as if that’s all that it was.  Just to place me into a place like that because they not only didn’t know what to do with me, but they didn’t want to feel what I felt.  But, this I hoped was the farthest thing from the truth.  They just didn’t want what I was saying to be true because they knew that body-louse was extremely contagious, and I knew that, but I also knew that it could choose where it wanted to go.  I studied these things endlessly online trying to figure out what they were and I learned a lot more about these things then I wanted to.
 

I learned that these lice could quite possibly just want to eat from my, and why… because I was a soda drinker and my blood was tasty in comparison to other people, and I’m sure that it sounds crazy, but I believe that these things could decide where they wanted to be, and where they wanted to wait for a person.  I also read that people who smoke marijuana were more likely to have a hard time getting rid of them because they liked cannabis and that cannabis made them stronger.  If you smoked cannabis and didn’t have a healthy diet – you’re most likely going to be the person that lice want to be on over the other person drinking diet pop and not smoking, but eating healthier and having a healthier diet.  In other words, you were the Big Mac and other people were the filet of fish.  And, we all know that the Big Mac is way tastier then the filet of fish.
 

I learned that there is a lot that is being ignored by the healthcare departments when people have real issues about the things that I was going through – like I’ve said, people were taking their own lives over dealing with the issues that I was dealing with, and I knew that through some of the stories that I’ve read and heard that these people were telling the truth.  No one wants to make up something like this and quite honestly I don’t think a street drug could make a person go through what I was going through had they even tried.  (Maybe I’m wrong, but that is what I thought.)  I felt as though the story was being created this way – and still, just to protect the management where I was staying.  I felt I had a million dollar case and that I wanted it to get settled in the court of law where the constitution was being held in that courtroom, and the laws that protected me in my rental tenant rights.  I knew they were in the building code as I was a carpenter by trade and I remember studying these things, so I found out what my city had adopted from that building code.  They adopted laws that would protect me and help me be able to fight this thing.  But, I had no money, and no help to get a lawyer that was going to hear my case.  But, either way – I knew that I had one, and a strong one.  I was just being redefined by the state in a way where I was made into some bad person, and treated like I was having delusions when I wasn’t.  It was as if people had such high anxiety about it, that they just didn’t want to believe in what was going on with me to be true.  But, it was true, and the things that I saw were true and I was the only one that wanted this story out – so I had to write it.
 

I just wanted to stop the pain, but the pain continued in a way that I never thought it would, and in a way where I felt scared to speak out about it.  I felt scared to talk about it, and felt scared to even open my mouth at all.  I felt like God had no control over this at all, and I knew I was wrong.  I wasn’t letting God take it at the end of the night, and so I prayed, “please Lord take this, and stop this pain.”  And in the end, I knew he would – I was just praying for the supernatural and the miracle that I needed, and I was asking God to help me right here and now.  I believe that he did in more ways then I could ever even imagine.  I felt safe that night, and I fell asleep.