[Original Novel] Pariah of the Little People, Part 29

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Oh, shit. Shit! I stopped in my tracks. After all this time, all the giant blinking neon signs I somehow missed, my brain finally connected the dots. It became real for me. Looking back on everything she’d ever said. How she reacted to various stuff I’d said or done. Everything snapped together all of a sudden.

Only, it was too terrible to fully accept. She’s the last person I’d ever want to hurt. I couldn’t take it. Not on top of what happened to Tyler. Not on top of what happened with Heather. So I instead clung to the lingering possibility that I really was misreading it all. A position of familiarity and comfort. Of safety.

I spotted her in the crowd when I next entered the gym. The principal greeted me as stiffly as ever, asking to read over my prepared speech before I queued up front by the stage. I’d written something you might expect to find in a Hallmark card. Bland, vaguely inspirational. He approved it, then we carefully slogged through the crowd up to the front of the room.

Once I was seated, he made the equally arduous return journey, and smiled expectantly as the first speaker took the stage. Behind him was a projected image of Tyler as a toddler with low resolution animated gifs of angels playing trumpets to either side. Scanning the crowd, apart from Kat, I also recognized Tyler’s dad. I scowled.

“It warms my heart to see such a strong turnout” The speaker began. “Although of course, what brings us here this morning is a tragedy exceeding any chance of description. Tyler came to us bright eyed and full of promise, his obedient little heart fully devoted to serving the Lord. Seemingly senseless, that he should be taken from us so early!

At times like this it can appear as if there is no plan. No justice in the world. Yet, without tragedies, how would we recognize moments of beauty and bliss? Might it have been God’s plan to use Tyler’s life, short as it was, to convey a vital message about what He expects from us all?

I find it helpful in times like this to reflect on the meaning of love. All legitimate, genuine love comes from God. Flows from Him. For He invented it, and is the source of all love in the world. The nature of Satan, however, is to take good things God creates and distort them. Just a little bit. But in a way that subverts God’s intentions entirely.

Because we are so patient, so loving, we feel tempted to overlook the distortion. That’s the old serpent’s game. Because if we accept the change and carry on, once we’re used to it, he can introduce another. And another. Like a frog sitting in a pot brought slowly to a boil, until depravity rules the world.

It hurts so badly because he afflicts people we care dearly for. That’s how he tempts us to tolerate their sin. It hurts! I know it. But, because we can see this trick for what it is, we will not be fooled. Remember that Christ said those who love friends, spouses, parents, or even their own children more than him aren’t worthy of his grace!

By reminding us of this simple fact, and that the wages of sin is death, Tyler has not perished in vain. While it pains me deeply that he is now in Hell, there is a lesson in it for us. A protective reinforcement against such manipulations.

His life, I tell you in truth, was not wasted. We got to know him, savored his good qualities, and cherished that time. By learning from his death, although he was cast into the lake of fire, he has spared everyone who knew him from the same fate. Many in this room undoubtedly owe him their very salvation.

So, let’s remember him not for his sin. None of us are without sin, after all. Instead, remember only the good in him. His devotion to Christ and his valiant struggle with sin, a powerful inspiration to all of us. Amen.”

Everyone present echoed the ‘amen’. The tall, suited brunette then announced that a friend of Tyler who was very close to him in his final few weeks on this Earth had prepared something to say in remembrance. With that, he stepped down from the stage and invited me to take the wireless microphone.

I climbed the handful of steps, stood before the podium, and cleared my throat. I then took out the prepared speech, unfolded it and flattened it before me. But of course I never had any intention of actually reading it. Instead, even as my voice faltered here and there, I spoke from my heart.

“I’ve not even attended this school for a year. I knew Tyler for only a fraction of that time. But it was enough that I came to love him. Not as a man loves a woman, though that distinction is important only to you. Rather, as one feels having discovered a long lost brother, or a fellow countryman in a strange, distant land you’re stranded in.”

The principal looked baffled. Figuring out at once that what I was saying didn’t remotely resemble the speech he’d read and approved beforehand. I could see him fidgeting nervously in the rear of the room, but I carried on.

“I learned so much from Tyler. That there are others like me, with the same thoughts and feelings about life. That I’ve let pain warp my perception of the world. But also, what a Christian is meant to be like versus how they actually are. The contrast couldn’t be more severe.

The fellow that spoke before me rightly observed that you cannot have good without evil, because without that contrast you wouldn’t know good when you see it. Well, I have seen evil. I’m currently speaking to it.

Now I know who the bad guys are, what sort of person I want to be instead, and what I want to do with what’s left of my life. That’s the lesson I’ll take away from this place, and I sincerely thank you for it. You’ve given me direction, just not the one you intended.”

The principal now looked panicked, and began carefully working his way through the gathered throng of people towards the stage. I counted on this, keeping my speech short enough that I’d be able to finish before he reached me.

“You so-called champions of mercy, who show none except to those who believe as you do. You supposed opponents of iniquity, who create needless division! You alleged bearers of truth, who feed lies to children! You self-appointed advocates for a universal brotherhood of men, who practice exclusion with the greatest zeal. You, who claim to cherish family values, yet betray your own children because a religion commands it!

I rebuke you. Christ commands us to forgive, but I do not follow him. Because I know a cult when I see one, and because it would put me in your company. I do not forgive you and never will. It is precisely because so many of your victims or their friends have forgiven you and moved on with their lives that you get away with so much.

Instead, were it in my power I would feed you all into a meat grinder. I would turn the handle myself, and eagerly consume what comes out. Failing that, sticking as many of you as will fit into your own dreadful camps would be a satisfactory compromise.”

The principal, rage burning in his eyes, was now nearly upon me. Spotting Kat’s wide eyed face in the crowd, I thought to add a little something of hers to the end. “Sleep, you black eyed pigs” I declared. “Fall into a deep pit of ghosts.”

The principal seized me by the collar, lifted me nearly off my feet, and dragged me off the stage. By now the crowd was murmuring excitedly to one another. Some angry. Some confused. But with any luck, a few had glimpsed their reflection for the first time and didn’t like what they saw.

My Dad was called and asked to come pick me up early. He grumbled, having already done so the night before, but agreed. While I sat complacently on the curb outside the principal’s office waiting for Dad to arrive, Kat joined me. “Was some speech you give. I took pictures of their faces, so you can enjoy later.”

I laughed. More out of relief she didn’t hate me than because of the joke. “I had to say all that” I explained. “I’ve been keeping it in for so long. That’s what was wrong, I think. Jamming up the works. Getting worse and worse, but I feel as if I’ve cleared that blockage now.” She nodded thoughtfully, then asked how the date went.

“Nothing happened!” I blurted out. She cocked her head and waited for me to clarify. “At Heather’s, I mean. I didn’t even stay for long. Nothing happened.” Her expression started out blank, but slowly a smile crept onto her face. A soft, mournful smile.

“Is not quite the truth, is it? Something did happen. You forget, I still speak with Babulya.” I flinched, and began turning a deep shade of crimson. “All that glitter is not gold, da? Sometimes a fruit rots from inside out, so you do not know until you bite.” Still flush, I nodded without making eye contact. I couldn’t bear to show her my face just then.

“Do you expect I should always be waiting for you?” she inquired. “To watch from sidelines while you chase after other girls, to pick up pieces when they are done with you? To dry your tears? Do you think any girl wants to be second choice?”

I answered that I didn’t expect anything from her, and gravitated towards Heather in the first place because she was the only girl since Jennifer to express clear interest in me. She sat there fidgeting as I spoke, as if on the edge of saying something but holding back.

“I still don’t understand how it turned out this way” I lamented. “It was supposed to be a new start. I thought maybe this time I wouldn’t wind up alone like I always do. I thought since they didn’t know me yet, I’d have a chance.” Katerinka thought about that for a moment. Then muttered “They still don’t know you. And you’re not alone.”

We sat in silence for a while, each soaking in what the other had to say until I remembered something else. “I think I know what the difference is now. Between justice and revenge” I told her. Kat’s ears perked up and she invited me to continue. “Justice is putting things back the way they were before. Revenge is just inflicting equivalent harm.”

She stared at me. Eyes twinkling, grin widening. “This means perfect justice is impossible” I continued. “Nothing can ever be put back exactly how it was. But revenge only makes it worse. For both parties, but mainly for me. I still come out of it at a loss, much worse than if I’d just forgotten about it.

The longer I hold onto that anger, the more the damage compounds within me. Like sand in my gears. I don’t think that means I have to forgive people who don’t deserve it. I hope not, that’s often impossible too as I tend to hang onto feelings until I’ve totally exhausted them.

But, I should recognize a no-win situation when I see it. Take the loss and move on, or at least find some way to fight back that isn’t so self destructive. Otherwise I’m just helping them injure me more severely.” She stared and blinked, grinning from ear to ear. Finally she spoke. “You’re ready.”

Before she left, we committed to meet each other at the Locus in three days. She explained that it coincided with a nearby hill Dad used to take me to when I was little to look at stars through his telescope. To me, already a meaningful place. I’d just never known the full extent of it until now.

When Dad pulled up and I climbed into the passenger seat, he had some choice words for me. Evidently the principal related bits and pieces of my speech to him over the phone. “He’s talking about expelling you! Did you realize that!? Wants to meet with us on Monday for an expulsion hearing.” He settled down somewhat on the drive home as I told him my side of it.

“Still, did you have to say all that? This is the only private school in the area I can afford. What are we supposed to do with you if they won’t accept your apology?” He flipped his lid when I told him I had no plans to apologize.

Mom was even less impressed. Came as a surprise to see her home, as I’d forgotten she was due back today. The bickering died down when I saw the swaddled up bundle in her arms. My new baby brother. I approached cautiously, folding back the cloth to get a look at his face.

My heart melted. So much happened in the past few days, I’d never really given much thought to how it would feel the first time I got to see him. Occupied with other things. So I was without preparation or defense. The moment I first saw his face proved as transformative as that day in the quarry. At least.

Every feature so small and perfect. I’ve never seen anything so beautiful before or since. “We went with Ty” Mom explained, “so it doesn’t get confusing.” I tried to reply but was at a loss for words. “I see so much of you in him” Dad said. “Looks just like you.”

We gathered around Mom as she lay there, cuddling baby Ty. Fawning helplessly over the newest addition to the family. Even after Dad left on an errand, and Mom fell asleep, I was still huddled by her side. Just looking at baby Ty. He, too, drifted in and out of consciousness as babies tend to.

“Welcome to monster world, little fellow” I whispered. “It can be a scary place. But you’ll be alright, because I’m here. I won’t let anyone hurt you. I’m bigger and stronger. Your ally and protector. I’ll see to it your life is very different from mine, I promise.”

Ty gurgled, flailed his tiny hand about, then grabbed onto my finger. Memories of the night before finally started to fade. Replaced with images of Ty’s perfect little face, etched forever into my brain.

Oh, the things I’ll teach him. The places I’ll take him, the wonders he’ll come to know. All of the good in life, none of the bad. If I can help it, anyway. That must be what I’m here for, surely? My reason to continue.

The last remaining ember within me grew just a bit brighter. Stoked by the realization of a new purpose. Someone to protect. Someone who needs me. Something perfect and pure that all the ogres and Tyrants of the world will never get to, try as they might. Not while my heart still beats.

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^{Stay Tuned for Part 30!}