Dear Amanda. Happy Birthday!
As always, I hope you're doing as good as is possible where ever you may be.
I talked about it a bit in the last letter, and..
Things have still actually finally been doing a bit better for me.
I've become very depressed a number of times since last time I made you a letter, however... It's nowhere near as much as it used to be.
And it's a lot less intense usually when it happens too... I feel like I am making progress.
I think this is good news for everyone who cares about me as I was in a pretty dark place for a long time.
Also, I doubt I'll ever be fully healed... Though, I've made some great improvements and I guess we'll see how it goes...
I'm pretty sure I didn't mention this last time, or if I did I was just starting these projects around then..
And... I started writing a couple books and I recently started a podcast.
Both have been very rewarding for me... It's been a ton of fun, and I've got a pretty good response for the podcast so far!
A lot of really supportive and encouraging things have been said.
Haven't finished any of the books yet, however... I have a feeling people will probably appreciate them since I put my heart into it.
I'm really trying to heal myself as much as I can so I can help others more too.
I wanted to die for a long time after you passed and sometimes I still do.
But, recently I'm feeling more like living for you and for myself and everyone else.
I was just thinking recently about how it's been a long time since I've danced...
And you were actually the one who inspired me to dance for the first time, I feel like I need to get out and do that sometime soon...
As weird as it sounds, sometimes it helps me feel closer to you. Sometimes I pretend I'm dancing with you. Who knows... Maybe I am.
It's always been a hard to describe feeling, finding pleasure in movement and art and life and beauty when you're not here to share it.
It's difficult for me to express myself sometimes because, of that. Though, really important for me to try I think...
I still haven't met a woman in a romantic sense yet. And that's fine, you know... Sometimes I feel like I never should have even tried...
That it just didn't work out for me and I should just be celibate my whole life.
I felt such a strong connection with you that it almost felt like I was cheating or breaking trust when I met other women after you left.
In fact, I cried each time I developed feelings for another woman...
And then they all ended up treating me absolutely horribly and it's like.. Why even try?
I doubt I'll ever meet someone like you again, it seems so rare to meet someone who was as kind, loving and in tune with their heart as you.
However, I realize we were never technically in a relationship and I believe that you would want me to keep trying. I'm pretty certain of it..
I remember you encouraging me on our walk to try to get out to the bar meet other women...
And, at the time I was like? Why are you saying this to me? I wanna be with you! I don't wanna go meet other women, I wanna get to know you!
I didn't get that at the time, but now I think I realize you were doing that because you knew your time was short.
That breaks my heart and the tears are dripping like they almost always do when I write you...
That was one of my biggest goals in life to experience an epic romance, a historical legendary relationship.
And I did, with you. Even if we never kissed and I'm still pretty much a virgin.
Just meeting you once in person and talking for around half a year and hugging you twice on our walk was enough for me for my whole life.
I don't need anymore. Meeting you was the most meaningful thing that ever happened to me.
So... Who knows if I'll ever meet anyone again, it doesn't really matter.
I'm focused on finding a greater love for myself and am enjoying my own company and working on my other dreams and goals.
Maybe it'll still happen, I haven't given up 100%... It's just not something I'm worried about that much anymore.
I believe you would want me to try, so I will.. And I'll do it for myself and everyone else as well. Yet... I think I'm pretty close to being at peace with that subject.
My intuition is telling me things are going to change a lot in the next 5-10 years, probably both good and bad.
I guess time will tell, yet... I am glad that I've improved mentally as where I was was not good and I was going downhill and...
Now, as hard as it is for me to say... It does seem like there is some hope, maybe some positive things will happen for me for a change.
I hope I'm able to accomplish some of my goals and then I look forward to telling you some of the stories when we meet again in the next place!
So much love always, bye until next time. <3
PS... I included a picture of your guitar that I took at your celebration for life. I hope you're playing some beautiful music where ever you are!
