Death on Route Rattlesnake

Welcome to part two of my story...
If you would like to read the first part, check it out here.

We find ourselves three years after the first time I died. This time in the year 2007 and now I am a young private (19 years old) serving in the U.S. Army’s 82nd Airborne Division some 8,000 miles away in southwest Asia. More specifically the Shinkay Mountains of the Hindukush range in Afghanistan.

Yeah, we took selfies in 2007. Here is me on an LP/OP on top of a mountain.

I belonged to a RSTA (Reconnaissance, Surveillance, Targeting Aquisition) squadron. I was a machine gunner on top of an up-armored HUMVEE and I was attached to a personal security detachment for our tactical action center. Yeah, what a mouthful.

Basically, I was a bodyguard for our squadron commander and the headquarters staff. It was a really cool job because we were constantly on the move, doing special assignments, as well as conducting recon patrols all over Afghanistan.

During the event being presented here, my group of about 5 trucks and 20 men set up an LP/OP (Listening Post/ Observation Post) in a remote mountain range.

There was clear visibility for miles from our position. On one side we could see the Pakastani border with a known Taliban smuggling route and the other was Route Rattlesnake the main road for our ground forces in the area.

Circling the wagons.

Our OP was a temporary one, it was very makeshift the reason being you cannot dig into the side of a mountain for cover. Our OP only consisted of our trucks circled up as the main perimeter with a large camouflage tarp over the center area.

From our circled up wagons, we would conduct foot patrols deeper into the mountains and we established main communication with our base and other theater assets in the area.

This was quite a turbulent time for us more often than not war is sheer boredom. We did a joint patrol with a polish unit, it was the first (and thankfully) the only time the enemy shot RPGs at me, and from our position, we witnessed many of our units attacked by IEDs while passing under us through the valley on route rattlesnake.

IED blast

I would say in our two or three weeks or so up on that mountain, I saw about 5 of our trucks get destroyed on the valley road under our watch.

Our orders were always to stay put and provide CAS (Close Air Support) when needed. That just means we coordinated with air assets to help our ground forces under attack since we had a bird’s-eye view from the mountain.

Then one day the word finally came down that we were to pull out of our position and proceed to the next objective (without stopping at home base to shower, eat warm food, get mail, call home, etc.) but we were used to this by now.

Not Route Rattlesnake, but a road like it.

We were at war every day, this was our life.

The day before we left we tried to keep a low profile. We didn't do any patrols but we played business as usual. The camp stayed set up until nightfall and we were to leave the next morning before dawn at 3:00 a.m.

To our dismay, the way to the next objective was right down route rattlesnake and the reason it was so heavily mined is that the enemy could easily move in and out undercover and your only option was to drive on the road. The embankments we're too high you could not avoid driving on it making it the perfect choke point for attacks.

Me in the gunner's hatch of an up-armored HUMVEE

There were only a few times in combat where I really felt that primal fear of death often there was no time to feel anything only to react; however, this was one of them.

I had seen it so many times now, that fireball engulfing the gunner when his truck hits the IED. The turret hatch acted like a chimney and the flames would scream out like a blow torch followed by a large black cloud of smoke.

Now it was our turn to traverse the treacherous road. We started our trucks in unison to avoid any ears the ability to count how many we had or had turned on, and then we moved down the mountain towards the road.

In full body armor with a night vision scope over my right eye I crouched behind the safety of my 50 .cal machine gun. To be honest I was more like cowering behind it anticipating certain danger.

We came off the Mountain and drove onto the road near a partially blown up house. In my minds eye I still see perfectly the dried mud house smooth on the corners and the jagged edges of the blown out portions in the green glow of my night vision scope.

I remember that my mind was racing. I was imagining every possible outcome, I imagined an armed band hiding out in that house waiting for their IED to detonate and begin their attack with small arms fire.

I was terrified, we were all alone completely exposed it was just us and them.

Not once did I beg God to save me, not once did I think of my home, I only had one thought I was going to die and I must survive.

The night was crystal clear with a million stars in the sky and the radio was dead silent. The only sound was that of our Diesel engines purring along as we crept down the dark desert road.

In the pinnacle of the most terrifying moment of my life, something strange happened to me. From deep inside myself a voice told me “Don’t be a coward! Get up and face your enemy face your death!”

It wasn’t god, or Jesus, or anything like that. It was me! I was aging myself from being scared to death.

I grabbed my 50 caliber tight and stood up straight as I could. I was completely alert, balanced, and at one with the universe. I could sense every electron in my vicinity, every living being. I was at peace. I was present.

Like a snake shedding its skin, every negative emotion I ever had was shrugged away. My ego died and I was again reborn and living in a light of my own. It was pure beauty.

A random picture.

Nothing happened that morning on Route Rattlesnake, we made it through unscathed.

I am forever changed from that experience, for months I was hovering 6 feet above my body. All the hate I felt for the enemy, the pain I felt for my friends, the fear I had of death it was all dulled away and replaced by presence and consciousness.

My ego had died once again and like the evil villain in a cheesy horror film it keeps coming back stronger that the last time.

What goes up must come down and after I returned home to the world I came crashing down in a burning pile of self-loathing and suicidal tendencies.

From that moment on, I have been searching for a way to return to that awakened state of consciousness, without success. Maybe by writing this i can find some sort of relief, who knows.

I believe we all have the potential to live without an ego and it maybe the next step in our evolution and that It is our destiny to move past our negative emotions and become truly aware of the present moment.

Thanks for reading!

-@balticbadger