A couple years back a lady later in her years shared with me the sorrow of her heart; she didn't feel connected to her children. To make matters worse her children weren't close to each either and that just broke her heart. I had the opportunity to get to know some of the members of the family and had met all the characters involved. So as to not offend her I decided to write a story pointing out what I thought would help. My hope is that it can help you.

In the Beginning

Let me tell you a story about the Little Brown Bird.

On the outside this little brown bird was nothing special for she came from a family of other common looking birds. There wasn’t anything about the family that made them stand out in any way. They didn’t have the famous song that the Chickadee’s do, nor the beautiful colors of the peacock. They didn’t soar like the eagles or swim gloriously like the swan. They just did what birds do: fly, hunt, gather etc and because of that they didn't recognize their own uniqueness. Despite her common outside this little brown bird was far from common. She was born with a deep sensitivity and it was a gift despite at time she felt it was a curse. It was tough living with this sensitivity for it felt like she needed extra care from her parents. Her parents either hardened themselves against their gifts or they didn’t have the sensitivity so they couldn’t understand it nor nurture it. Just like most little sensitive birds she misread it and took it that she wasn’t accepted or loved. The opposite was true. Thus, the love that the parents gave was simply not understood and then branded that it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t wrong or bad it just was. That perceived rejection clouded her ability to see herself as gifted and special. Instead it placed fears around her heart that prevented her from believing in the gift and herself.

Flew the Coup

She left the nest as most birds do and embarked on a new life for herself. Finally the day came when she would build her own nest. Unfortunately she partnered with a male bird that didn’t represent the type of male bird that she wanted and or hoped for; someone to make that heart ache feel better. He may have to some degree at certain times but he didn’t fix it. Again she felt misunderstood and the hole in her heart ached even more. Sadly when there is heart pain, one can look to another individual to fill that void and they rarely do. They cannot do that for many reasons. First it isn’t their job because they never placed the hole there in the first place. Learning forgiveness and a new perspective of the past are the only ways to diminish the hole and assuage the pain. Second, every other bird on this planet flies around with their own hole in their heart to some degree. Two partial empties cannot make something full because one is always left empty that way. Energetically asking more from the other heart becomes toxic. There is a portion of the heart that can be filled by the love of another person but only that portion. When the demand for love tries to break the limits of that portion a boundary is crossed and negative feelings emerge as a result. So where did that leave our little bird?

Well, the falsehoods and beliefs that she created from her first nest experience were amplified as well as cemented. Her false beliefs became perceived as demented truths – negative principles to live by that whisper to her that avoidance was the modus operandi. How is anything of the heart ever really avoided? A trigger or memory is felt during the quiet moments of the night or a certain song plays on the radio and bam we are back in time. Facing the pain and removing the power is the only way to get rid of it but the little bird didn't do that. Instead she had those pains become defining factors in her life and the base of many of her decisions. There is NO freedom when pain and fear are in control. How could she fly like the eagles when her wings were weighted with all that fear??

Four the Birds

Life went on. She had four little birds of her own. Sure she went about her daily tasks with vim and vigor and appeared that all was well. The opposite couldn't have been more real. She appeared full of life and ready to tackle it but deep inside she felt she was dying. The ache was ever present. She made sure she was a better momma bird than hers was. Being a mom helped a little with the pain in her heart for her baby birds gave her much joy. But the rules of the heart still come into play here. There is also a portion of the heart that is solely there for children and children for their parents. The same toxicity is created when those boundaries are crossed. A child’s love in the beginning can feel like it can fill the whole heart. That love can appear to medicate the ache of the parent’s heart and help them momentarily forget it’s true state. In the beginning, a child’s heart has two compartments MOM & DAD. They are completely dependent on their parents and love them with complete abandon. Slowly as the child ages their heart also changes. Those two compartments that were solely devoted to the parents in the beginning start the process of metamorphosis. It shifts and changes to allow them to love more. As gradual as the areas grow and change so does the parental area shift and lessen. What an amazing experience! Not for all parents though. The feeling of emptiness that comes from this can be difficult to deal with. For the short time when the parents are the center of the universe they don’t have to feel the true state of their heart. If there are multiple children that feelings stays with them longer.

But eventually the state of their heart prior to coming into parenthood, blips with remembrance to remind them… Yooo Hooo! Remember me? That little voice that was so easily quieted with an infant’s smile or cuddle now starts to speak as the child shows it's independance. Slowly but surely the evolution comes and the child’s heart takes the shape it’s supposed to. New loves come into their life and the parental portion takes its rightful size among them. Are the parent’s forgotten? NO. They just simply have their rightful place and portion among the other loves of the child.

Now the little brown bird did what she knew how to do. She loved her little ones to the best of her capability and she felt she did a better job that her parents did. The question still remained why she doesn't have the relationship that she wanted with her children for they still were the joy of her life; Always have been and always will. She tried to reach out to her kids but the attempts were thwarted and that just unearthed the lies deep in her heart. Lies that she has now convinced herself are truths. The question is… how do you know those are true? If you had different parents would you still have the same walls around your heart? Truth is truth no matter what circumstances and love is love. If you look deep into the hearts of your parents and see that they too are just souls that did the best with the tools they had.

Bird Calls

Have you ever played the telephone game? Where a message is said on one end of a circle of people and when the last person of the circle relays the message they thought they heard and it is usually completely different. Conveying love works that way too. At first from the heart it is something pure and beautiful but as it travels thru all the lies and fears it becomes something that can be the exact opposite. Here we may think we are conveying love but in fact when the message is finally received thru all those filters it quite simply doesn’t look like love at all. I believe that this has happened to the little bird. In her effort to show love to her children, her message has gotten “lost in translation”. It boils down that they know that little brown bird cares but the message is WAY too distorted to have a positive impact.

For example, I have witnessed ways where she tried to show her adult children that she cared about them but it came across that she treated them like little kids. The message actually was interpreted as an insult. The same distortion occurs when the children try to show her love and it is misinterpreted. Distortion is the result and she doesn't receive the message either. What is to blame here? THE PAIN. Allowing that pain of the past to continue to pollute the present is what is at fault here. As long as those walls are present there can be no change in the relationships. How can there be for there is still no comprehension of the messages relayed? There will ALWAYS be miscommunication until those walls start crumbling down.

Today I will allow people to have their space so that they can come closer.