My mother texted me that her once best friend had died. Guess I should clarify here, they were once best friends but drifted apart. It came to my mind how this event was relevant to me for I have a similar friendship that I am struggling with. My old pattern was to simply cut people out of my life for a multitude of reasons but I have been learning how that approach is the definition of insanity. For you see that we draw situations, people, and events based on our belief profile so removing the people is not an effective solution.
Now for some back story on my mom's relationship: this lady and I had the strangest of relationships; she tried to be my sister while at the same time trying to be my mother's favorite daughter. This combined also with her being my mother's best friend create some interesting dynamics to say the least. What made the whole situation interesting is that my mom and I had just reconciled from one of our separations. My mom and her met when I was 15-16 so I grew up with her and I babysat her kids. During the course of roughly 10 years these women at times were inseparable yet now they were barely talking. How do two friends who were once so connected at a one time become strangers?
Things went well between us until she decided to tell me what to do lol. My mom and I started to bicker over her constantly asking me to see my dad. My dad and I were estranged and she wanted us to get together more often. My dad and I did not have a relationship and it was uncomfortable sitting in silence with him. If there was conversation it was to get my hair permed or make sure I had winter boots. Needless to say we didn't have many things to talk about unless I thought of something to say. If I did bring up what was happening in my life he tried to sound interested, very enthusiastically I might add, but there was no connection. If I wasn't for her insistence I can't honestly say that I would have spent anytime with him. The worst part of it though was when my mom kept asking me questions about him and I didn't know any answers like what shirts he liked to wear and his activities. I wasn't going to ask him probing questions when we couldn't even talk about the weather. We were having a heated discussion at this friend's place when she decided to pipe in with her opinion. She went on with a rant telling me how she was a better daughter than me and that I should do what a good daughter does. Both my mother and I looked at her and I reminded her that I was the daughter and that the we were family and the conversation between my mother and myself concerning my father was none of her business. Well, you can guess the outcome of that! lol
The relationship changed between my mom and myself so ultimately I saw very little of her after that. Over the next few years I would hear snippets from my mom about her then there was silence. It only took a couple more inquiries about what was going on between them to have me stop asking; the friendship was over. Humans only have a few fundamentals relationships: parental, romantic and friendship. The first two have shifted where I can have some contentment and optimism but my friendship category has a blip.
Since moving to the United States there have been some changes in my connections to my life back there. Some that were weak have become much stronger; I have reconciled with my boys and my mother during the time I have lived here. One relationship has gotten weaker and I struggle with what to do with it. I too have a best friend where we inseperable for time. We had a long standing friendship of almost 15 years with consistent contact. There were short bursts of no contact but it was easy to pick up the conversation where we left off. I was once in a relationship that was unsavory where she had to watch me compromise myself to a very low point. She was tired of hearing me complain about the situation and then having to her speeches repeatedly. That relationship thankfully ended and our friendship took the most delicious twist. Interspersed with speeches were these little nuggets of discussions regarding religion and philosophy. Soon these increased in numbers and usually were sparked by some event that got me all riled up. I would call her and have a rant. Right after that the discussions would turn where we would dissect it to see what meaning would reveal itself. We would take turns playing the devil's advocate until we hoped to come to a theory that we both agreed with. Sometimes we agreed to disagree but the whole process was absolutely pleasurable and I appreciated that aspect of our time together.
Something has changed. I can pinpoint when it started but I can't put my finger on why. We went for an overnight girls trip and it was the first time we'd ever done anything like that. We would go for walks but any long term visits were at each others houses surrounded by at least one child. We had talked of doing an overnight trip and this one landed in our laps. The trip started out great until our conversation took a really unexpected turn. She started to rant about something that appeared to go against all the philosophical discussions we used to have and I questioned her on it. I fully expected for us to have one of our awesome battles regarding this topic but that is not what happened. I tried a couple of times to get a discussion going and it just flopped. We continued with our trip but there was a slight shift for me that I couldn't put my finger on.
Visits after that time felt different and our conversations turned more to chit chat and bringing each other up to speed. I stopped calling her to rant and that was because the need to lessened; not just with her but everyone. I started to share with her some more literature regarding some material I found that answered alot of questions for me. Her response was very underwhelming and disappointing. I pictured us having even better conversations and the exact opposite happened; we grew apart.
I am kept abreast of all that's happening with her for she is a friend of my mom's as well. She loves to tell the story of how we met and what brought us together as friends; the shock value is what's she's after. When someone asks how we met she simply states, "I slept with her husband". She fails to say that my ex and I were separated but not yet divorced. So technically he was my husband but we had both moved on. In that brief world wind of a relationship a little boy came along. My ex behaved poorly and cut himself out of his life so my mother and I picked up the slack. My mother was the catalyst for us two talking and we completely hit it off. We have a unique triangle of a relationship that is ever evolving. My mother used to confide in her how she was really feeling and my friend would tell me what was said. Ever present in my mind was the reminder that this was second hand information but there was alot of it.
Now the tables have turned and it's now my mother doing the relaying of information. My friend has picked up the role of talking to someone about me behind my back and is very frustrated with my behavior. My mom used to verbally vomit to her about me now she is doing that. What is upsetting her so much? The fact that I won't call her. She really wants to talk to me but she won't call me again until I call her. There are some small reasons why I don't call her: I don't know her schedule and she knows mine so it would be easier for her to call me and pick a time. Bottom line is that I really don't know what to talk about. The last few conversations didn't have the same feeling at all and that is not a good feeling. There are many times I go to want to share something but the direction of our latest discussions just weren't the same; it was like we were in two different places.
So what do I do?
I could just call her. These are the thoughts why I don't
- I don't want more of the same
- Her perspectives appear to come from a very angry hurt place. I don't know if there is a shift in her thinking or my awareness of it.
3 I really feel good about the path I am on and the knowledge I am getting.
She doesn't want to explore this with me and that limits our intimacy in my mind for this was the crux of our relationship; we sought out answers regarding the Law of Attraction. My life is changing to a place that I wanted it to be and that was what we used to want to attain together. I struggle with her not wanting to apply what I learned to her sorrows and I don't understand why. Sounds like I am preaching to her, and I don't honestly think that was the case for I probably would have heard that from my mom lol. Now that I don't need to talk about my stuff she is doing more of the talking. We still do talk about my stuff but the conversations are shorter for we don't have the long discussions regarding the issues in her life.
Do I miss her? Yes and no. I miss who we were together and the explorative mental excursions we went on. But it's like my friend has lost her zeal in that regard and it's not up to me to have her find it. I struggle with what to do. One of the biggest realities or living lies she is blinded with is her lack of worth and not asking for what she needs. She is absolutely miserable and wants to complain about it all the time. I know she is deeply battling this reality but she hasn't determined the why. I have brought up with her a few times the lies about herself that are crippling her but she will not budge on giving them up. Nothing will change until she decides that she is sick and tired of the ways things are and that she wants a change. The roles are reversed and she is now the one who is in a toxic mental battle and I have exhausted my resources. She has made the mexican stand off based on me having to call her first thus the stalemate. don't want to base my reason for calling on the word should and all that implicates. I don't want to but that doesn't feel good either.
Do I just call her?
This article comes from a different perspective for I don't have the answer in real time of the story. If this story speaks to you in any way please comment