All our visitors bring happiness: Some by coming, others by going.
Isn't that plaque priceless? It had a place of honor in the doorway of my family home for as long as I can remember. Notice the past tense for my mom had to go searching for it to have this picture taken lol.
This past week my reality was challenged with this exact paradigm when my male friend from my home town came to visit; he stayed a total of 6 days. It was interesting to hear the polarity of mixed reactions from people with regards to his visit. They ranged from thinking that my husband was a saint for allowing him to stay with us to genuine happiness for me. My husband was a little tentative with having him stay for such a long time for there were times when the two men would be alone together for extended periods of time; My work schedule is a swing shift where I get home after 8 pm. What happened was not what I expected.
The last time my friend came to visit there was only one TV in the house. Since then I put a second TV in the rec-room to accommodate game nights and such. Each night when I came home I found my husband in the rec-room and my friend in the living room both watching TV. I found it a little odd at first mostly because it brought up some horrible feelings for me. My dad used to use the television as a distraction so that he could have something to focus on when he was giving us his long-term silent treatments. In another relationship I had, my partner would spend his time in his room when there were guests (even when my boys came over). Here I was faced with a situation that seemed very similar yet my heart told me it was different or at least my approach to it was.
Golden Rule Backfires
One of the greatest lessons my boys had to learn was in reference to people and how they treat each other. My youngest had the hardest time with people and how they treated him differently than he treated them. The rule in our house was that when a friend came over to stay they were given VIP treatment. My son would give up his bed, the friend would pick the movie and also the dinner sometimes too. Meanwhile, when he slept over at his friend's house he literally slept on the floor with a pillow and no blanket. Needless to say when he got home he was furious. The only way I could talk him off the ledge was to help him understand that when we share goodness with someone there is absolutely NO guarantee that they will return the favor; it's actually safer to not expect it. You cannot expect people to treat you the way you treat them for you allow the potential for deep disappointment. Expectations are a sure fire way to bring disharmony to a situation for it only allows one point of view.
Often that lesson is way easier to talk than to walk. When I approached this topic with my friend concerning my husband's hosting approach, he didn't seem bothered by the situation. He noticed that his last visit was different for my husband did stay in the front room with him more. He was more curious than anything about why there was a change and frankly I am too. What is surprising is that I approached this situation also with curiosity instead of a screaming banshee; One point for Jax.
My Way or the Highway
This situation brought to my attention on how perspectives play such an important part of people's lives. Should I have reprimanded my husband for not handling the situation the way I thought he should? Or better phrased, should he have handled the situation the way I would have and did. In my husband's mind he was doing our guest a favor for there were some sports that he wanted to watch that he knew my friend wasn't really interested in for he's not a sports guy at all. He also wanted my friend to have free control over the main TV and gave him the opportunity to watch whatever he wanted to. Another side note is that those two men have little in common when it comes to interests; the only thing they really share in common is me. There also is no contact outside the visits between these two men and they have only had contact that one time he was here before. My hubby was exceptional with him when I was around and was his engaging, social self; I couldn't have asked for a more gracious co-host. So why does this have to be an ugly situation? Why is the way I see the world and behave need to be the only rule? There was no harm done for my friend wasn't offended in any way and only stated that he would have like to spend more time with him; maybe next time.
Today I will step back and try to remember that my way is not always the only way to do things.