In the beginning was Jacquie

Hello everyone. One thing you may not know about me is the struggle I have lived with regarding my name. First off, it always baffled me how we live our entire lives being called a name chosen by two people we have never met. Like the parents who call their kids Robert Robertson or Thomas Thompson… why? Parents may think that their private little jokes are funny but living with it sure isn’t. Better yet, some of them have never even looked into what the name means either and thus laying upon their child a dodge-your-destiny type of curse. That’s what happened to me for the origin of the name Jacqueline is not a pleasant one. It goes back to the Bible times with the man Jacob and his con job to steal his brother’s birthright. Consequently, Jacqueline is a derivative of his name and shares the meaning of supplanter or liar; neither great character traits. Ain’t that special to be named after a deceitful patriarch? Mom and Dad, what were you thinking.

To make things worse, my mom decided to be creative with the shortened form of my name and spelled it Jacquie not Jackie. Great eh? That made it so that I could never get anything cool with my name already on it. Everyone else with normal names, including my brother Jeff, could get a plethora of monogrammed useless gadgets to pick from; except me because of the unique spelling. Thanks again Mom. Now is my world over because I didn’t get monogrammed items that would have probably ended up in the garbage? No, but to a girl that was already feeling invisible this didn’t help. I’m not sure why she chose that version but in all fairness, it was the only part of my name I tolerated despite its uniqueness.

The origin of this aversion to my name is truly unclear for it has resonated with me for as long as I can remember. Since then, it would blow my mind how people could not simply call me by the name Jacqueline upon introduction. Inevitably, I would have to endure the irritating and uninvited shortening of my name to Jackie. How hard is it to say my name Jacqueline back to me exactly how I said it to you? Apparently it’s nearly impossible.

When asked why I hated the name Jackie so much I would just say that I did and no further explanation was given. To use a well known cliche, if I had a quarter for every time someone did that, I would never work again. I guess I made quite the impression with my anti-Jackie-ism campaign for people would correct offenders in my presence before I could say anything. Apparently my reaction and display of conviction was so convincing that it thwarted any further inquiry, even from myself. Until recently.

So now that you can get a sense of my feelings towards the name, I can now give you a "long story short" version of the transitions of my name from Jacquie to Jax.

1. Beginning to 20ish years old I went by Jacquie
2. 20ish to 40ish by Jacqueline
3. 40ish till now by Jax

Now Jacqueline

The first shift from Jacquie to Jacqueline started in my senior year of high school where, up to this point, I acted like the poster child for socially awkward teenagers in need of a makeover. My existence was miserable and I just didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. My mother was busy dealing with my mentally ill father and his hell bent mission to bankrupt us all. My teeth were yellow and my hair disheveled but the piece d' resistance was the my flat chested, boy shaped body crowned with a pair of big ugly glasses. Whenever I thought of Jacquie I would think of that paradigm of being inadequate, awkward, an outcast, ugly, misunderstood and a flat out disappointment.

Now this makes sense why I hated the name Jackie for it continuously reminded me of that dark time.

All I can remember about the origin of the paradigm shift was the decision to not be the ugly duckling anymore and worked on my appearance. I had taken off my glasses (weak prescription anyways), started to properly apply makeup, style my hair and wear trendy, flattering clothing. Even though I started to change the paradigm around me to one that I was more attractive I still felt deep down inside like the ugly duckling and a misfit.

When I decided to leave home I thought it was perfect timing to change my name; a new place can be an easy outlet for a new identity even though I didn't know who that was going to be. An answer then appeared with my first husband for he provided the environment in which for me to explore who I was on the inside and tweak my personality. His gregarious presence was infectious and I allowed myself to challenge my shyness and come out of my shell with no fear. I could never be too brash or too loud because my ex hubby outshone me and was the perfect diversion; no matter what I said he was bigger and louder. Slowly my shyness started to disappear and I was able to learn how to talk to people as I followed my ex's example; the man can strike up a conversation with a post. The transformation was so complete that today people don't ever believe I was painfully shy.

and then there was JAX

Years went by and the frustration with people continuously calling me Jackie instead of Jacqueline was driving me bonkers. The time of Jacqueline was a myriad of experiences and energies which each on their own could be an article lol. To pinpoint just one as the deciding factor would not be fair; all were unique and appreciated. Needless to say the hope of a Jacquie-less existence was never a reality so more drastic measures needed to be taken. While I was in hair school, a friend of mine came up with the inspiration of the name Jax; it was short and sassy to match my personality. What I loved most about it was that people didn’t automatically shorten it or make the assumption that it was short for Jacqueline. Occasionally I would still get the name Jackie but I got somewhat of a reprieve and that was awesome.

So why all this discussion about Jackie if it was becoming a minor inconvenience? As with the Law of Attraction we can never escape what we suppress and the Universe used Skype to get my attention. Lately I have been very frustrated with my Skype account for the blasted thing keeps creating new personalities for me and I can’t seem to find my original profile. When I saw the latest one I nearly blew my top at first glance.

Mother of God!

I let a small cry out to the Universe as I put my heads into my hands. Why can I not escape this name? Then it dawned on me how I was using the Law of Attraction against me for I was constantly focusing on the negative feeling of the name. Each time the name would come up I would respond with the same feelings of disgust or frustration. Since the law cannot pass judgement on what we are vibrating, it will continue to send what we vibrate good or bad and because I was consistent with this feeling it responded in kind. This was a wake up call and I realized that I needed to change the feeling around the name or it would never leave. As I looked at the name on Skype, I found that the funky spelling appealed to me and that I could accept it like that. I honestly thought about changing my name yet again but this time back to Ja’key and redefine her as the girl she was meant to be. The only thing that stopped me was that I was repeating a pattern that was never effective and that I needed to do something about the feeling associated with it. I sat for a moment and let the little girl inside myself release the feelings with the name and decided that a name no longer defined me or my past. Looking at myself now, I see a beautiful woman who was no longer the ugly duckling nor a misfit; time to let the name and the cords with it go. This woman celebrates her uniqueness and daily is accepting herself flaws and all. Now to focus on what I wanted and this new version of myself was it; much better to draw that I'm thinking.

Later that day and since then, customers have called me Jackie on the phone and for the first time in my life I have smiled. I still don’t understand the confusion with my name but the hatred is gone; well done Jackie, well done.