How Elvira got her name
Shelby looked around at the crowd. Everyone seemed to be paying attention. Not a sleeper in the bunch. He’d tease them a bit.
I’m sure this must be boring. Surely you would rather hear about anything else other than an old man remembering his past. I think I’ll just sit down and have some beer. Maybe someone else would like to throw in their two cents.
NOOOOOOOO!!! The crowd shouted, particularly the kids but the ‘new folks’ seemed interested too. Everyone did, even those who had been there. Don’t stop.Continue on...please do.
Shelby grinned and glanced at the Dragon Lady. She shook her head and rolled her eyes, as if to say get on with it. Don’t tease the children.
Shelby took a swig of beer then resumed his story.
One day, after work, I was just relaxing, Ok...perhaps I was dozing. I had a bottle of brew, not the first one, and I was laid back reminiscing about my favorite gal. That would be Elvira. I remembered how I had come to name her.
What’s your name anyway? I had asked..
She had replied I don’t know what my name is. I’ve never had a name. What would you like to call me? What do YOU think my name is? Better be good!
I said_Gee, I dunno. I’ve never named a Gurl Daemon before. Lessee... how about, Anastasia?_
Elvira said. That's not how I remember my naming...and you weren’t just ‘relaxing’ you were dreaming. You most definitely had dozed off.
Shelby replied Who's telling this lie? Let me tell it my way. Where was I? Hmm, oh yes. I had more names...I suggested Aurora? Fiona? Jasmine? Krystal? He tried again. Ursula? Esmeralda? Brunhilda?
!!!!All Lies, none of that happened..!!!! Elvira stated emphatically.
Calm down. Shelby said. He and Elvira were hamming it up for the crowd. _ I recall I said ‘Hmmm, how about Elvira? Queen of the Night!?’ and miracle of miracles, you liked it. You said ‘Elvira!, Yes. I like that. I’m Elvira forevermore._
Elvira said _Ok...go ahead and tell it however you want.
Shelby sighed and closed his eyes. After a few seconds of silence, he opened his eyes and continued. _ Good. I like my version better. This is how it happened._
I re-dub thee Elvira.’ May you live long and prosper.
Elvira would have none of it. She chastised me and said That would be WE buddy-boy. May WE live long and prosper. We’re in this together.
Should we jump over a sword or something?
I made a vague gesture toward my legless body. I could just roll over a sword I guess. It better be a dull one.
Elvira replied _I’m fresh out of swords. I don’t happen to have one on me. Oh wait…what am I saying?
She contradicted herself. This is a dream. I control your reality here. You want a sword…I have a sword. Stand up…you also have legs in this dream. There'll be no rolling over this sword! Hold out both your hands, palms together.
I did that. Cool, I had legs and everything. I could stand up in my dream. I did so with a big grin on my face. I had a hunch where this was going. I was wrong… it was better. Fog appeared and began to swirl around my hands… a force pushed them apart. More fog and more fog, thicker and thicker fog...
Elvira muttered to herself. Okay, we need a little bit of special effects here. Thunder maybe, and lightning… we must have lightning when there’s thunder. It’s a law.
The sound of popcorn came from the fog. Little sparkles danced around my fingers. Elvira grumbled. Oh wait… that’s not right. Lessee here…
frequency, Duration, resonance, reverb
The sound of the ‘pops’ deepened into booms… the little sparkles became lightning bolts… the fog swirled into a tornado… One final crash of thunder and a flash of lightning AND... Suddenly I was face to face with a buxom woman female type person, a very pretty one too, only slightly transparent. In the dark of my dream the transparency was hardly noticeable. My hands were on her shoulders. She presented me with a sword, hilt up. She looked up at me mischievously.
I stood still as a statue for minutes. I was staring at her. She was beautiful. She was literally the gurl of my dream. A smile gradually formed on my face. Elvira said Your sword Master!
I accepted it _Sword? Oh yeah. That’s a sword. Right. Well according to the last marriage manual I read, I think it was Glory Road by RAH, we need a little grassy clearing.
No sooner had I finished speaking, than a glorious mountain clearing appeared. Possibly we were in the Swiss Alps, or Alpine Texas, or Oz. I indicated that we should step into its center. I laid the sword on the ground that was crisp with new frost. She stood by me and took my hands in hers. I said What were the words?
Elvira replied,
Leap rogue,
and jump whore,
And then you are married for evermore.
I said. Ummmm… no. I don’t like those words. It’s not respectful. I’m definitely a rogue but you’re not a whore. This is my dream and that just won’t do.
Elvira said Giggle You are so noble. Okay, how ‘bout this?
For Marriage you are headed
Once over the sword,
For evermore you are wedded,
Leap Lady and Jump Lord
I said. That works….now jump.
So we did. I slipped on the frost and fell down in a heap. I pulled Elvira down with me. She sat on my lap and grinned wantonly. She said Why are you being so silly? You KNOW we are closer than any husband and wife ever have been or ever will be. Others claim to be two souls in one body. We truly are.
I said Yeah that. Shush. Just sit here for a little bit. Watch the sunset. See that Eagle way up there?
It’s a buzzard. She said.
Quiet wench! I reprimanded her. Be still. So we were.
Elvira interrupted my memory. We were back in reality. I guess I had woke up. I needed more beer. Elvira was saying. I cross checked some of the archives on the SoulStone. I’ve barely scratched the surface but, I can do some interesting things, hold out your hand.
Huh? I was puzzled but I did that.
Now open it. Palm up Elvira told me.
I did that too. I noticed a haze form in the palm of my hand. The haze formed a cloud. The cloud got denser and denser. A parakeet materialized in my hand. The parakeet looked up at me and said, How bout that?
_Well I’ll be damned._I said. The first Avatar was formed.
The parakeet asked me. You can talk to a parakeet and no one will care. You’ve noticed they look at you odd when you talk out loud and no one is there? If they think that you’re speaking to voices in your head that could be bad. How do you like it?
Oh I definitely like it. I do, I really do. But not a parakeet. I said. I don’t have any newspapers.
WHAT? The parakeet said. What’s a newspaper got to do with anything? Are you crazy?
I dunno. I said. Am I?
Well yeah. Maybe a little. The parakeet replied. But you’re getting better. I’m working on fixing that. OH! I get it! The old joke. You don’t have a bird so why buy a newspaper? That’s pretty funny! A derisive commentary on what newspapers are good for.
_That’s right _ I said Did I do good?
You did VERY good. The parakeet said But if you don’t want voices in your head or a bird, what do you want?
A dragon. I replied. I’ve always liked dragons. Ever since I was a little boy I was interested in dinosaurs and dragons. I like dragons better than dinosaurs. Can you be a Dragon?
Well HELL YEAH! the parakeet said. _ That’s easy. I just happen to have a bunch of templates for dragons. What color?_
Black. Shelby replied. Aren’t all Dragons black?
Nope. The parakeet turned into a small pink dragon.
BLACK! Shelby said rather loudly. _I’m so not into the pink.
Okay, okay. The dragon said. Don’t get huffy about it.
Elvira spat a fireball. Oops. Sorry about that.
She embarrassedly (if that’s not a word it should be) muttered. I need some practice.
It rained. It rained and it rained. It precipitated. The weather stayed wet with constant haze and fog. It misted, it sprinkled, it drizzled, it showered, and it rained.
Maybe I should be a duck? Elvira said one day.
You want I should call you Howard? I said.
I’ll stay a dragon. Elvira grumbled.
Okay. I replied.
To Be Continued
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The Hobo Picture is a Public Domain image from
Samantha at the Worlds Fair
by Josiah Allen's Wife (Marietta Holley)
Illustrated by
Baron C. De Grimm published by
Funk and Wagnall's Company 1893
Unless noted
All other Illustrations are from
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