BubbleButt
Occasionally I got tired of my own cooking. There was a restaurant down the street that I patronized off and on. Often enough that they knew me and I knew them. Several times a week I'd go there and eat something that I hadn’t cooked for myself or pulled out of a vending machine.
Today I had that urge. I put a ‘Closed’ sign in the door window of my shop and headed down the street. Odd thing about that smartphone, I'd grown to like it. The e-book reader function was my favorite app. I loved that part and kept it loaded it up with ebooks. I had my favorite books with me now where ever I went. I'd read books on my smart phone while I drank coffee and ate omelets. I was getting to be as bad as a kid.
Elvira commented, You’ve been hooked onto that smart phone since you got it. I’m so jealous. You pay more attention to it lately than you do to me.
I wondered if I'd be able to concentrate on reading.
She snorted. Okay wise guy. I can take a hint. I’ll be quiet and let you read. After all I know what you read as soon as you read it. I’ll be quiet, for now…..
They knew me at the Diner and I knew them, like I said. When I stepped inside, a waitress called me by name and escorted me, and my crawler to a table in the corner. No one paid me ‘no never mind’ when I sat there. I was out of the way and they ignored me. I ordered breakfast. I could eat breakfast three times a day which I often did. I liked their three egg meat lover’s omelet. Today I felt especially hungry. Elvira had been using a lot of my blood for production work and it needed replenishment. I ordered the five egg version instead. It had hash browns, biscuits and sausage gravy and bacon. I could each a bunch-a-ton of crispy bacon. I love the stuff.
Elvira snarked. I’m not saying a thing. Nope, nope, nope, not me. This is me not saying a word. I hope they hurry it up though. WE can use the protein. The starches, sugars and carbs won’t be too bad either. You put in a long day today. I used a lot of your blood.
I ignored her. I propped my smartphone against the sugar dispenser and began re-reading Family Law, by Mackey Chandler, it was one of my favorite books. I'd only read it a hundred times or so perhaps. I almost had it memorized.
Didn’t matter. I loved it. I found new ‘stuff’ in it with every re-read. Easter Eggs as they say in the business. Mackey was the Easter Bunny....he left Easter Eggs everywhere. I got a kick out of finding them. Elvira was excited in spite of herself. This was new to her. She didn’t get out much either and wasn’t aware of libraries, much less e-books. Ohhhhhhhhh. That’s niceeeee. I should have paid closer attention to it earlier. That’s a Smart Phone? No wonder you like it. I LIKE it too. I wonder how it works? Hmmmmm.
I read in peace for a few minutes. Then the waitress brought me my meal. All the butter knives are dirty. She said. I gave you a steak knife instead. Careful now. It’s sharp.
I smiled and nodded. I began to slice a biscuit in preparation to buttering it. The waitress giggled a little as she swished away. I gave her my undivided attention as she undulated off. I gave her a GOOD look as she wiggled away. I appreciated the sway. Damn, how did her butt move like that? Was it on a swivel or...
Ow!… I sliced my finger.
I stuck my finger into my mouth. Damned if I hadn’t managed to cut myself while buttering a biscuit. I should have been watching what I was doing instead of watching her bubble-butt bobble. I looked around at the other diners. Nope. No one had seen it. Good. That would have been embarrassing.
Especially since she’d told him to be careful.
I hadn’t noticed the drop of blood that had fallen onto my smartphone. If I had I might have wondered about the way it behaved. It didn’t act like a normal drop of blood at all, or any other liquid for that matter. It didn’t splash when it hit the phone. Rather it turned into a little worm that slithered and crawled into the ear-jack hole of the smartphone, out of sight.
I never noticed. I continued to read where I'd left off the last time.
Elvira diverted my attention in any case, Velociraptors? I know about Velociraptors. Tasty if I recall, not as tangy as T-Rex but really good with hot sauce.
I ignored her. I was engaged in the story. I always felt sad when the Velociraptor-like alien creatures killed Lee’s parents. I could relate to how Lee felt. I could sympathize. I knew what it felt like to lose people that were close. I'd lost more than a few buddies himself. Speaking of Buddies. Did I hear the name of Sam Snead? Like any place that humans gathered the restaurant had a TV. I tried my best to avoid them but they were like cockroaches. They were everywhere. One of the reasons I was in the far corner was to avoid the TV that was constantly blaring. Had I heard it mention Sam Snead?
I looked up but the TV was showing a commercial. Damn things always did that. Bait and switch. Use your smart phone Elvira told me.
I blinked. Huh. I guess I could do that. Lemme see, how does that work.
Let me. Elvira said
I handed the smartphone to the little dragon and, by god she knew how to work it. In no time at all the Smart Phone screen was showing news accounts of the tragedy at Sam Snead.
Another religious right wing, Nazi shooter they’re saying. I muttered. I wonder if it will turn out that he’s not religious or right wing.
Elvira didn’t say anything about the Nazi part, that was just too stupid to comment on. The Nazi’s had been socialists. They’d claimed to be so themselves. It was in the name, for Christ's sake. Socialists were, by definition, NOT right wing.
It says here that he shot over a dozen patients and staff with his silenced, fully automatic, assault revolver. Elvira said.
Yeah, imagine that I said. I wonder if they got anything right?
Not likely Elvira noted. They don’t report the news, they have a much higher purpose. It’s their duty to direct public opinion. The opinion they are trying to convey, in this case, is that guns are bad.
Well yeah. I said. That goes without saying. The press is devoutly anti-selfdefense. Sometimes they screw up, though, and accidentally reveal some actual facts. I wonder, hmmmm.
I searched for a while. What I found was very disturbing. I knew everyone of the victims named.
I sat at the table and read the news on my smartphone for a long, long time. It was depressing. Oddly enough I wasn’t interrupted any more by Elvira.
Finally I noticed that it was late. Might as well go home I decided. I turned off my Smart phone and put it away. I paid for my meal then rolled out the door and left for home.
To Be Continued
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The Hobo Picture is a Public Domain image from
Samantha at the Worlds Fair
by Josiah Allen's Wife (Marietta Holley)
Illustrated by
Baron C. De Grimm published by
Funk and Wagnall's Company 1893
Unless noted
All other Illustrations are from
Pixabay