Of Course! You don’t need social skills to be successful on steemit!

in writing •  7 years ago  (edited)

After a few days trying to figure out how this thing works, I keep coming back to the same thing. You have to be interested in other people, in order to become interesting to them. Now, this is coming from a self-proclaimed “socially akward extrovert”. A lot of people get along fairly well as socially akward introverts. If you are quiet, nobody knows that it’s because you don’t know how to relate. I never had that advantage. I’ll be 35 this month, and I feel like I’ve ruined thousands of potential lifelong friendships. All because I wasn’t born with social grace.

For the past few months I’ve been studying how to do better in social situations. I have to learn a new way to relate to the world, that doesn’t leave people running for their lives. That’s why I came here. To write about things that I’m working to do better in my own life. Writing helps me to go over what I’ve heard or read, and really process it. I hope that you all benefit from my painful life as a social reject, and my attempt to be a better person.

This entry is going to be about Active Listening. In an overstimulated world, where news flashes by on the ticker while we are watching the news while reading a magazine, there are a million things vying for our attention. Engaged listening is becoming a lost art. The more interested we are in other people, the more they will like us, and want to help us. This isn’t a method of manipulation, where you act interested to get what you want. You need to be interested in other people, and really care about them. When we truly care about people, we want to help them better themselves and succeed at what they are interested in. This is called co-operative living. Remember the old way of competing for success? You see where that has gotten us?

“The less you talk about yourself, and the more you put the spotlight on the other person, the more they will actually like you in return.” - Arel Moodie

In order to become well liked, you need to pay attention to other people. You probably know someone who is really good at sales, or generally successful, because they show others how they care. Even though my social skills suck, my mom is great at this. She remembers the birthdays of all of my friends and details about their lives, offers them food and beverage when they visit. The works! Now, I’m not saying you need to take it that far, especially if this sort of thing isn’t natural to you. A little attention goes a long way.

(photo credit: Nathan Wolfe)

A good listener is valued wherever they go. Someone who thinks that they are a good talker may be loathed everywhere they go, but they’ll never know. They’re too busy talking.

You may have heard this old saying, before:
“You have two ears, and one mouth. Use them in proportion.”




Listen - The first thing is to really listen when someone is speaking. Not waiting for your turn to speak, not interrupting because you thought of something cool to add. Just listen. This might not be easy at first if you aren’t used to it. However, this is one of the most valuable things you can offer to someone, which costs you no sbd.

Affirm - While you are listening, nod and add some affirmations such as “uh huh,” “oh?”, “right!,” “excellent!”. Something quick enough so that they can continue speaking, but also signal that you are listening. You don’t need to be charismatic, you just need to listen and pay real attention to other people. Trying to say something interesting can fall short. Listening takes way less energy than than thinking of the right thing to say.

Summarize - This is where you make a statement based upon what the speaker has said. This is important. If you skip to the next step “follow up question,” you can come across as an interrogator. This follow up statement, repeats back some of the information you received so that you are sure that you understood correctly. You’ll know pretty quickly if you didn’t. This type of feedback ensures that you and the other person are on the same page. This is not the time for you to give advice. That is a classic blunder that people (especially guys) fall into. If someone wants advice, they will most likely ask you for it.

Ask - Now we move to the follow up question. You are going to choose a question based off of what has already been said, to deepen your understanding of the speaker. Avoid “yes or no” questions, or other questions that can be answered with a simple statement. Instead of “so, you really like fishing?” try, “what got you into fishing?” or “what is it about fishing that you enjoy so much?”


A good opening question is, “do you have any exciting new projects coming up?” or “what are you really passionate about?” This attention is rewarding you with valuable information that you can use to find ways you can help others. Perhaps a web resource, or a thoughtful suggestion. Helping others is what life is all about, according to the new "co-operative living" dynamic.

All of this lets people know you aren't a self absorbed prick, and that you actually care about them, not just their upvote. And if you really don’t care about other people, you may want to re-consider. No person is an island. All of us depend on each-other. Here, there, and everywhere.

”Great listeners are irresistable because they sense what we want to hear. Soothing noises are a part of their art. At it’s heart lies techniques to seduce purses, votes, and minds.” - Catherine Blyth, “The Art of Conversation”

So… now you know the basics of active listening. There are a few chat groups that you can check out to help you get to know people here and learn the ropes (if you don’t already).

These are great places to practice your active listening skills for two reasons. One, is that it might be easier to get the hang of this active listening stuff online before feeling natural applying it to the real world. Two, this is also a good way to build relationships on steemit, and make the connections which are the real value of this platform. Also, try spending more time in the comments section responding to friends posts, or on posts you find interesting.

My two main resources on this are:

Thanks For Stopping by! and as always, I'd love to hear some feedback here or on Discord.

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You know, as someone who had through most of his initial years crossing puberty been unable to connect to people in a non-professional way (especially to members of the opposite sex, as is common with attributes like that), I completely get where you're coming from. My buddy also had the same problem, and after one particularly tough year in school, I made it a point to come back with initiative to get better (as you have right now). Those efforts worked really well for both of us, and I'd be damned if they didn't work for you.

Admittedly though, despite having learned all these lessons while back, I think I myself have started gradually listening less and talking more, especially after my popularity boost. Its something I should fix, soon.
Good thing your post reminded me.

And as for you, good sir...I tip me hat off to you for taking this initiative for yourself. It is never easy, mastering your social weaknesses and turning them into your advantages, and I am very pleased and happy for you, given that you're making an effort to do this. I wish you the very best of luck in this endeavour. If you ever need any help, insight, or even just someone to talk to about this stuff, you can gimme a ring-a-ding on one of my posts or on Discord. I'm with you in the M-A-P group.

same, feel free to DM me, I am quite busy these days. so I probably wont message you first. but if you message me, I will respond. perhaps we could trade resources.

We really should. Since we're on the same Discord channel now, I'll message you soon as I get the chance. Really busy right now.

I just followed you, I tend to struggle with socializing also. Your post might help me too.

this will be a common theme on my posts... you might want to check out this post on smiling, also.

Thanks for the support!

My social skills would get an A+ if it was graded on "awkwardness" and "general sucking factor". But I'm trying to make baby steps towards the F. Your article is awesome. At least I have an affirmation that I'm following the right path lol

I feel you there. Lets be completely clear, though. I'm writing this stuff as i figure it out, in real time. Hopefully, it translates into my actual life. :)

Good luck. In any case, what you wrote made sense and if I was the other person, I'd surely appreciate if the person opposite me bothered to listen, affirm, summarize, and ask. So, I found value in what you wrote :)

Great article!
Well written, informative and very accurate. As long as you take the time to listen people will value you. At the same time make sure to surround yourself with people whom also listen. Equal give and take <3

Pretty solid advice. Do believe steemit is more just about being social and yourself more than anything else.

I see what you did there! I'd upvote twice if i could lol.

what I was getting at is the following. I think we all hope that we can make some money at this. However, it doesn't matter how good your content is. The only way to succeed here is by building relationships and caring about the lives of other people in the network. These relationships can begin with a follow, or commenting on someone's post. Now you commented on my post, which makes me more inclined to want to get to know you better... suprise suprise. It's something I read in someone's blog, or maybe heard in PALnet. While I was thinking about it, I realized that idea meshed together well with this article I was planning on writing.

Thanks, lol. I appreciate that.

I think you hit it pretty perfectly my friend. You're right we're all here to hopefully earn some money. You can have the greatest content in the world but people want more than that. People especially want to know you. It's true, making solid connections and real interaction here pays off more than the best content. Besides, there's a lot to learn from people as well. Hopefully people wil learn a lot from this article.

Amazing article. Well made and informative. Definitely looking forward to more of the same.

you are an amazing article :)

meep

Congratulations! This post has been upvoted from the communal account, @minnowsupport, by inquiringtimes from the Minnow Support Project. It's a witness project run by aggroed, ausbitbank, teamsteem, theprophet0, and someguy123. The goal is to help Steemit grow by supporting Minnows and creating a social network. Please find us in the Peace, Abundance, and Liberty Network (PALnet) Discord Channel. It's a completely public and open space to all members of the Steemit community who voluntarily choose to be there.

If you like what we're doing please upvote this comment so we can continue to build the community account that's supporting all members.

i love you @minnowsupport @aggroed @ausbitbank @teemsteem @theprophet0 @someguy123 @discordiant @realm @creativesoul

you all have helped me so much on this journey that has only just begun

Excellent work many times we are busy talking we miss the opportunity to learn from what others have to say

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You have two ears, and one mouth. Use them in proportion.

For most people, this proportion still isn't enough. Speak less, listen more! I guess that's the moral of the story (and it's a good one)

Are you trying to give me a hint ? ;)

My purpose in life is to give hints to others. It's really all I'm good at ;)