"Grey," you plead, "how do I wrap soft or spherical objects?"

And the answer to that is by tying them up.

Grey's Guide to Gift Wrapping: The Passata

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Tying Up

Just to clarify, I mean tying up the presents, not the person with an annoying taste in gifts. That would be significantly less legal. Unless you both heartily consent to you tying them up - then that would be the greatest gift of all. So who’d be the real winner there?

Anyway.

The first step is to make sure you are using a material that is malleable enough to stay in the shape you put it in and not tear in the tying process. To find out if your material is suitable for the job… well, it’s essentially trial and error. I would recommend using a few sheets of tissue paper as opposed to other kinds of paper as it both complies better and looks nicer.

Place your gift the right way up on the inside of the covering. To determine if you have a workable amount of covering, place your gift into the centre of your covering and pull the corners of the material up over it. The gift should be fully covered and there should be a reasonable amount of excess material. This excess material is going to remain visible so use your judgment to determine if the ratio of gift to excess material looks janky and if so to adjust accordingly. (If you have made any adjustments, take each of the corners of the covering and pull them upwards over the gift again.) Hold the covering together and adjust the bunched corners as necessary to ensure the gift is properly concealed. Once satisfied, tie the bunched corners into place. If you are using an object like string or ribbon to tie up the gift I would recommend tying a basic knot to ensure everything is secure. Rearrange the plumage as necessary and voilà! You have a delightfully concealed present.

Now, if both your gift and covering are fairly long, the above method might prove impractical. Don’t worry, we can slightly adjust the method in order to better accommodate the shape in the form of tying the covering in two places - which is appropriately referred to as the “candy wrap” method by some.

Place your covering in a landscape orientation and fold the long edge furthest away from you on top of itself to ensure the edge is flush (as this will be visible once completed). To ensure you have the right amount of material for the job, there should be enough material along the shorter length to wrap around the gift roughly twice. There should also be enough excess material on each side of the gift along the width equalling roughly half the length of the gift itself (although this may need to be refined slightly depending on the gift - use your judgment of the ratio to figure out what looks right). Afterwards place your gift any-way-up along the long edge closest to you. Roll your gift up until you reach the folded edge. Whilst ensuring the gift stays rolled up, bunch up one end and tie it off. Repeat with the other end.

And there you have it! This is definitely a simpler style of gift wrapping than the ones previously mentioned and it’s often a go-to for me.

At this point I can sense that you are now beginning to feel unstoppable after having violently thrown a beautifully-wrapped Tsum Tsum into the recipient’s face. Nothing this heathen dishes out to you is an impossible task because, from what you have learned thus far, there exists a method to wrap any object regardless of how awkward the shape is. In your quest to become the saviour of the humiliated, you set out to fill all of the gaps in your gift wrapping knowledge in order to free the masses from the reign of the oppressive gift sadist.
“Grey,” you inquire full of confidence and hope, “I feel as if I’ve learned how to wrap nearly every kind of object, but there is still one more type of object I have yet to master. I need to know in order to free the people. How do I wrap the seemingly impossible of all shapes…
...How do I wrap something that comes in molded plastic packaging?”

And the answer to that question…

...Is by shoving it in a bag.

Gift Bags and Boxes

It might seem like a very underwhelming answer but gift bags are truly the power move of gift wrapping. All you need to do is place the object into an appropriately-sized bag and cover the exposed top with something (again I would recommend tissue paper for this role). Fancify the exposed plumage by ensuring it has no strange dents or folds and you have yourself a rather lovely gift bag. If desired you can place a greeting card on top of/within the covering as it would be simultaneously in close enough proximity to the gift for the recipient to know it is from you whilst also being segregated in a way that encourages people with no gift opening etiquette to open the card before the gift, the uncultured rascals.

Alternatively you could use a gift box, which requires no additional effort outside of putting an object into a box. All the work of covering the gift is done for you - it is by far the simplest method of gift wrapping I can fathom. You can’t go wrong with a gift bag or box.

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After an incredible journey of knowledge, power and comeuppance, we have now reached the end of the road. Don’t be fooled, however, into thinking this is all there is to be said about the topic; this article only covers The Staples: I am working on further installments of this series, the next of which concerns how to build upon this foundation of knowledge. Yes, you heard that right - this is only the beginning of an even bigger conquest. Keep your sensory organs heightened for:

Grey’s Guide to Gift Wrapping: The Oregano