Wrapping gifts is something most of us feel obligated to do.
“There are so many events that require me buying presents: birthdays, Christmas, weddings, anniversaries, housewarmings, thank yous, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day… Why should I have to spend so much time and money on wrapping some objects just for them to be unwrapped immediately?!”
But at the same time as asking why you have to do it so much, you also wonder why - after having done it so often for year after year - you still suck at it.

Fear not, my friend! In this first installment of Grey’s Guide to Gift Wrapping I will enlighten you to the very basics of not making your generosity look like a kid’s game of pass the parcel. To ensure good progress of your skills I am going to take a moment to address some noob mistakes before strolling into technique specifics.

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Noob Mistakes

Noob mistake 1 - Sticky tape

I’ve seen some people use so much sticky tape that it looks like they’re trying to laminate the present. Please don’t do that. It doesn’t need laminating. Sticky tape rarely looks aesthetically pleasing in gift wrapping, especially when used in large quantities. However, to many people’s surprise, you don’t even need to use sticky tape at all; more experienced individuals will opt for either decorative tape or double-sided tape (usually the latter). Decorative tape eliminates the visual unpleasantness of using sticky tape but can sometimes have a fairly weak hold. Double-sided tape, however, completely eliminates any visual disruptions caused by the use of externally-visible tape by being hidden underneath the seams and leaving a completely clean edge.

Noob mistake 2 - Excessive use of wrapping paper

Sometimes when people are wrapping a present they will cut a sheet of wrapping paper that is much larger than what they think they need, just to ensure it’s enough. Better safe than sorry, after all. They then proceed to place the gift onto the sheet of wrapping paper. After concluding that the sheet of wrapping paper is about three times as large as it needs to be, they decide that the logical course of action is to roll up the gift like some kind of festive cigarette and then cram down any loose ends. The result is the gift wrapping equivalent of the This Is Fine meme. So how does one determine how much is too much? The necessary amount will vary depending on the method of wrapping, so a basic guideline will be given in the explanation of each technique.

So, with all that out of the way, it's time for the moment you've all been waiting for...

Grey's Guide to Gift Wrapping: The Penne

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...I envisioned the title sequence to feel a little more dramatic than this.

Maybe I overestimated the dramatic visual potential of prose.

Oh well. On with the guide!

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Wrapping to shape

Square and rectangular shapes

Firstly you need to ensure you have a workable amount of covering. To check this, gently curl your covering around your gift. There should be enough material for the gift to be covered and a small amount of excess. If you have too much excess, you can trim some off; if you have too little, you will have to get a longer piece of covering.
Next you will need to check the covering for the unaccounted faces. There should be enough material to reach to just over halfway down each face. Again, if you have too much material you can trim some off and if you have too little you will have to get a longer piece of covering.

Now you know you have enough material to cover your gift, we can start wrapping! Place your gift on the inside of your covering so that the top is facing downwards. Curl your covering around the gift, ensuring there is some excess hanging over one of the corners, then pull the material taught and crease each of the edges. Fold the excess underneath itself to create a flush edge. Apply double-sided tape to the folded edge and attach, using the creased edges to keep the material in the right place.

Next to move on to the exposed ends. Of the end furthest away from you, push the sides inwards and fold the top and bottom flaps into roughly pointed shapes. Push the top flap down. Pull the bottom flap up and, if it reaches over halfway up, fold the flap underneath itself at the halfway point. Secure the flap with either double-sided tape. Turn the gift around and repeat the process with the other end. (Note: you can still fold the ends if they are facing you; I just prefer folding the ends when they are facing away from me as I find the angle easier to work with.)

Flip your gift over and boom! you have yourself a nicely wrapped square or rectangle.

Now that I’ve explained how to wrap basic shapes, you might be wondering how one would go about wrapping slightly more elaborate shapes.
“Grey,” you say, “that’s cute and all, but how do I wrap a Toblerone? And why does the person I’m giving this to have such an awkwardly-shaped taste in chocolate?”
The answer to the second question might be because they like sitting back and watching the world burn in the form of making people try to wrap awkwardly-shaped objects and internally laughing at everyone’s failures. But you can play this person at their own game with my answer to your first question:

Tubular shapes

Things are about to get a little more intricate, baby.

This is much the same story as figuring out how much covering you need for square and rectangular shapes. For tubular shapes, a workable amount of covering is enough to wrap all the way around the length plus some excess. There should also be enough around the shaped ends that, when folded down, the covering reaches to just over the centre of the shaped end. Adjust covering size appropriately.

Now to wrap! Place the gift in the appropriate orientation on the covering. Wrap the covering around the length of the tubular shape, ensuring some excess is hanging over one of the length’s edges. Crease each of the edges then fold the excess under itself so that you are left with a flush edge. (If you are working with a cylindrical shape then you can place the seam anywhere along the length.) Place some double-sided tape along the folded edge of the covering and attach to create a flush seam.

Now to move on to the ends. Select an end and find the seam. Hold the seam and lower it the the centre slightly, gently nudging the the material that is attached to the underside of the seam underneath the lowered seam. Tuck the material underneath the seam and flatten. Starting from the side in which the covering was tucked underneath the seam, gently lower and flatten segments of the covering on top of each other, working your way around until all of the material has been flattened. Place some double-sided tape on the underside of the final flap and stick down. You should end up with a flat surface comprised of triangular pleats. Repeat with the other end.

Now that you’ve successfully wrapped your tubular gift and have very smugly shoved it in the recipient’s face, you are starting to feel a surge of power. The oppressive force of the recipient’s demands no longer controls and humiliates you. The recipient however is not impressed by this, and being the sadist that they are suddenly develops a keen interest in bowling balls and Tsum Tsums. Your heart sinks as your sense of freedom is threatened once more, and you find yourself desperate for an answer to your situation.
“Grey,” you plead, “how do I wrap soft or spherical objects?”

And the answer to your question is by tying them up.

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"Tying... them up? What does that mean?"
Well, my dear pupil, all will be explained in the next installment.
Will you manage to dethrone the evil sadist? Find out next time in Grey's Guide to Gift Wrapping: The Staples!

This happens to be my first Steemit post! If any more experienced Steemians happen to stumble upon this, any advice (particularly on formatting) would be much appreciated. I like to think of it as giving back to the cause that helped you to give in the first place. It sounds poetic but really it's just putting a piece of paper on a Toblerone.

If you like my work and have reached the conclusion that you would enjoy witnessing more of my artistic endeavours I also have an Instagram (LightGreyArt) which I upload to more regularly (because calculated prose takes me a lot longer to produce than doodles).

Thank you for reading and any further support you may give me.
Until next time, my pupils.