New Story - again written exclusively on Steemit - WiP - Bouncer Part 9

in writing •  7 years ago 

I started a new story to share on Steemit. It's not my usual type of tale, but I decided it has legs so I'm going to let it run.

Meet Zack, my newest character. I hope you like him.

The first part was written a few weeks ago and since then, I've been mulling it over in my head where the story needs to go.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8

Pictures from Google free to use search

Please note: This is the FIRST DRAFT, no editing, written straight onto paper.


Zack turned on his phone and got into the car.

He turned the key and sat with the engine running. The notification ping of his phone receiving the messages he’d missed while at work took a few moments to stop. Zack looked at the phone nestled in the cup-holder in the centre console of the car, then he looked at Taylor.

“Looks like we’re in business,” Zack said.

“You don’t know the half of it,” Taylor said. “Guess who owns The Cobalt now.”

Zack looked at his brother. Taylor sat grinning like the cat that got the cream and he grinned back as realisation took hold.

“The Russians?”

“Yeah. They’ll be up and running within the next three months if I know anything about it,” Taylor said.

“I think I owe James a drink,” Zack said and drove out of the car park.

Zack dropped Taylor off at his house and drove home. He parked his brother’s car on his drive rather than at the side of the road.

One pint of orange juice, teeth brushed, a quick sluice in the sink and a pee and Zack fell into bed, exhausted. It had been a hectic few days.

A little after eight the next morning, Zack’s phone started pinging and woke him to the point of no return.

He stumbled to the bathroom, set the shower going and looked at his bleary-eyed reflection. “This had better be worth it,” he said to his reflection.

Zack, hair not quite dry from the shower, suited and booted, went ‘round to Taylor’s house for the full (sober) run-down of the meeting with the Russians.

Taylor looked a little better than Zack felt and with a wry grin, the older brother decided life wasn’t fair.

“What are you grinning at? I’ve not even told you what the Russians and I spoke about last night,” Taylor said, pouring Zack a coffee.

“I’m thinking life isn’t fair, brother,” Zack said, putting on his ‘listen to my advice’ voice.

Taylor frowned and glanced at Zack. “Not fair?”

“Yeah, you went out, had a great meal, a skinfull of booze, came to the club, watched me work, had girls throwing themselves at you, had drinks bought for you, got driven home and you don’t even have a headache. I went to bed stone cold sober and woke up feeling like I have your hangover,” Zack said.

“Living the dream,” Taylor said.

“Bollocks!” Zack said. He grinned at his brother. “What did they propose?”

To start with, Viktor wanted us to work exclusively for him. In fact, I think he was hinting at owning the company,” Taylor said. He studied his brother’s face for his reaction.

Zack didn’t disappoint. A frown furrowed his brow. “I hope you told him to fuck right off – respectfully, of course?”

“Not in so many words, but yeah. I told him that wasn’t going to happen. ‘We don’t want to get into bed with anyone,’ I told him. I also told him that we’d think about the bankroll he offered us as a ‘cushion’ for wages,” Taylor said.

“There’s always a catch when people offer money,” Zack said.

“I respectfully declined that offer too after thinking it over. I did agree that his company would be first in the order of clients, though. To be honest, it wouldn’t take much to justify that. They were the first to ask about our services,” Taylor said. He stopped speaking. Zack’s expression warned him that something may be a problem.

Zack tapped a finger to his bottom lip. “That’s not entirely true. Mikhail said he’d be interested in our services when I told him I was quitting.”

“Yeah? Well he didn’t mention it to me last night, so I’m taking it that Viktor got in first.”

Zack nodded once. “OK, I’ll go with that logic. That’s our story and we’re sticking to it.”

“Right. On Monday afternoon, we’re off to Viktor’s hotel. He wants to meet you, and it’s a good chance to talk everything over. We’ll get a taxi over, they can be heavy-handed with the vodka toasts,” Taylor said.

“You were steaming last night. How much did you have to drink?” Zack said, studying his brother.

Taylor looked down at his hands. They shook as his lifted his coffee mug. “Like you said, I had a skinfull.”

“And you drove to the club like that?” Zack placed his mug down deliberately. He wanted to slam it onto he counter, but kept his cool.

“No. Viktor’s driver drove me. Vicktor’s bodyguard drove his car and followed us. I insisted. I won’t drink and drive, you know me better than that,” Taylor said.

“OK,” Zack said. “So we’ll be twiddling our thumbs with no income for three months. Never mind, I think we’ll manage.”

“Not entirely accurate, brother,” Taylor said. “Viktor has a casino and another couple of clubs he wants us to provide security for. Starting at the beginning of next month.”

“Next month?” Zack said. “That’s next weekend.”

“Yeah. Sorry about that. Your holiday is going to have to wait.”

“It’s a good thing I didn’t book anything then,” Zack said.

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It’s annoying to me that people comment on your post with Great story!- one min after you post. Come on people- let’s dignify the effort put into the story by actually reading it. It only took me a couple min but that’s more than 60 seconds.

Anyways I digress...

I respect what you do and the time you put into it. I spent all night trying to make a decent post and I had writers block— so nothing happened. Tomorrow is another day.

You have a good point. People should read before commenting.

Thank you. It annoys me too.

Today's story has had to be a little less action because no story can be all action - otherwise the characters wouldn't have a chance to endear themselves to the readers.

Thank you for your observation. Better luck for tomorrow :)

It’s the dialog that gives you that bond with the characters- so when the action happens, you are rooting for them. Oh and my name is Zach by the way :)

LET ME JUST SAY:

YOU HEAR THAT PEOPLE-

DONT COMMENT UNTIL YOU READ THE POST- RESPECT THE EFFORT THE WRITTER PUTS INTO THEIR WORK!

Love,

@theessential

I second your opinion @theessential & @chidiarua.

Michelle, I do not always have time to read your posts right after they were published, but never once during the time when you signed not missed a single of your posts and always comment on them :)
This chapter as the previous interesting ends and left a desire to think what will happen next :)
Your dialogues are just as magnificent as before, thanks

Thank you and I hope you know I appreciate your comments.

What's the vodka toasts @michelle.gent?

Toasts with vodka. :)

Oh, really :) Brits have cheese on toast while Russians prefer toasts with vodka. I know for sure that a traditional Russian breakfast after a good "booze session" consists of pickle juice (usually the one from pickled cucumbers).

I barely use dialog on my stories right now. I just CAN'T use it well. I need a lot of practice and maybe just read more of them. When i try to make my characters actually talk, i sense they are faking it, somehow.

You? Man, your dialogs seems so natural and full of spark. Gotta lot to learn.

Thank you so much for sharing!

Record yourself talking, speaking your dialogue out loud. With practice, you'll get better, I promise :)

The story is developing in a good way. Nothing much has happened in this part. The dialogues between brothers are quite beautiful.

I must say a lot can be learned from your use of beautiful language in your stories. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you. I appreciate your comment. You appear to have read the story :)

  ·  7 years ago (edited)

I always do. Sometimes I am short of words to express in detail but I try to write down whats in my mind. Thank you for your support and encouragement :)

You're most welcome :)

The conversation betweeen Zack and Taylor is very interesting to read.
Now I am waiting for the next story.
Thanks for the daily efforts to write a new story for us.
I wish you the best of luck:-)

This is a great fiction.another wonderful reading for me

Amazing story.Much obliged for sharing it

This is yet another good one from you my friend @michelle.gent
Excellent writing skills.

This is a great fiction ..And your post writing just outstanding ..I follow your every post written ...

Thanks for providing your own new story...
Carry on your writing story ..
I will wait for your new part.🌼🌼🌼🌼

wonderful story.

I have to commend your effort. I like your dialogue. Nice write.

thanks a lot..i like your writing.
go ahead...

i like this

You are creating great dialogues, keep it going! Will read other parts as soon as i find enough time :)

Wow!Great writing story.thanks for sharing this post..

Nice :)

Wow,its a nice story

Very fluent story, thanks for great article.

good creativity......
i will folloeing to you i will wait for this next.........
go ahed.....

I just read the first part. I know it is a first draft, you did warn about that, but there are many places you need commas, and a few places where the tense does not agree. Othewise, it's good for part one, their is a hook to read more in exactly what services are being offered? I assume their will be conflict between the Russians and the brothers, or maybe the two brother themselves?

I know it is a first draft,

I don't tend to edit while I'm writing. I edit after I have a complete story. This is around 8000 words into a full novel.

Commas and other tweaks come after. Please be patient.

Othewise, it's good for part one, their is a hook to read more in exactly what services are being offered? I assume their will be conflict between the Russians and the brothers, or maybe the two brother themselves?

It is only because you decided to pull me up on my editing that I'm doing this.

There are three typos in the piece I've quoted. There are also two question marks when no question is asked.

I'm afraid, this time, I'll point out the errors in a comment.

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Zack's story doesn't even have a title yet, it is a WIP - a Work In Progress. I made that clear. I'm writing the story and inviting readers to join me on my journey.

When it's finished, I'll be following my own advice - that of re-write at least twice, edit a number of times and then send it to a professional editor.

All that will be done after I've completed the story.

Hey, no offense man. My comment is also not a story I am putting out there. Writers need to be able to take critique

  ·  7 years ago (edited)

Listen...have you ever worked with an agent or editor? They will tear you to shreds to improve your story. So, when you do, if you do..have thicker skin. They drop writers like flies that can't take critique

I have a few points for you.

You got off to a bad start by giving critique when your own writing in that critique was not 100% and I picked you up on in.

I am able to take constructive critique.

First Draft to me, means exactly that - written and not re-read, re-written, edited or polished in any way. What you see in the blog series titled: New Story - again written exclusively on Steemit - WiP - Bouncer Part... is exactly what I've written and put aside for later work on it.

For a writer to share the First Draft of their work is unusual - unheard of - because it's so fluid at that point and anything could change. This is an experiment, a journey on which I've invited people to join me. Give advice, make suggestions on characters, settings, locations, plot lines, storylines, just about anything, as long as you realise that the work is still an embryo and WILL be edited before it goes anywhere near my Editors, Agent and/or Publisher.

I'm not a man and never have been.

I have worked with a few editors and agents in my time, as well as a couple or more publishers.

My skin is fine. I welcome - even ask for - critique because I want my writing to improve. I ALWAYS want my writing to improve.

What I want from the experiment I'm conducting with my current WIP is critique on the characters - Do they work? Are they likeable/hateable? Do the storylines feel real? Are my readers compelled to turn the pages rather than go and do housework, walk the dog, fall asleep?

If you had given critique on any of those things, I would have thanked you and probably chatted with you about what I can do to improve those things.

Instead, you came with critique on a First Draft and commented about commas.

One question for you.

Do you know what the process is with writing a novel, and therefore, what a First Draft is?

  ·  7 years ago (edited)

wow. You skip over that I actually complimented your work. I get it, you are here for "good jobs" and "great work!" You aren't here for actual critique that could help you. "Man" is a figure of speech btw.
You aren't a writer, yet. Sorry. that's the truth. You are too thin skinned

Writers should never publish a first draft by the way, nobody should EVER see that except your editor

Pardon me for butting in, but comments like this really tick me off and I want to say a few things.

  1. Since Michelle has published several books and short stories, she IS A WRITER. And a very good one.

  2. There is a difference between a critique and criticism; the first needs to be written properly and with respect, and the second one has no place in anyone's comments. Please learn the difference.

  3. I have read your own introduction and a short story you have written. Not only are there noticeable typing errors; there are errors in punctuation and many run-on sentences. Before you criticize anyone else, you really should clean up your own stuff. In my opinion, your style of writing leaves much to be desired, and is nowhere near the quality of Michelle's.

Thanks @jcedwards. I appreciate your efforts here. I've decided to cut the losses and mute that one.

of course there are. I welcome critique. Critique only makes you better. Michelle, on the other hand, cannot seem to take critique. It is not about having feelings hurt, it is about getting better at what you do.

  ·  7 years ago (edited)

Look, being a writer means being able to take critique. Letting others read a piece of work means opening yourself up to that critique. Anyone can publish a book, you know? I have published two, and I have made some money off of them. Admittedly, I still have a lot to learn, thus I welcome critique. Someone who gets so mad at critique probably should not be putting work on a public forum, unless all they want is flattery, which is just empty calories. This applies to anything. If this service is being used only so people can flatter each other, then it is pointless and a huge waste of artistic potential.

You believe what you want to believe, chick.

I don't do what other people do. I'm kinda unconventional like that.

I suggest you perhaps do a little research before going off half-cocked.

By the way, I get that you're new to Steemit. I'd suggest you click the 'upvote your post' before you publish your next one because you're missing a vote there.

Good Luck on your journey, you appear to have had a rough go of it lately and I know a few that are in similar situations to yours.