The Difference Is

The difference is I lie for a reason. I lie to capture the bad guys, and if that takes a lie, then you better believe I am going to lie. I am going to do everything I can to help others.

“Sophie, don’t you fear you are going to lose yourself in those lies?”

It was a good question, one that I had plenty of time to think about now, since I was in the hospital, paralyzed.

“It could have been one of those lies that landed you in the hospital, Sophie, one that nearly took you from us.”

“Sonya, getting shot is the danger of being a cop.”

“Is it worth it, even now, that you are laying in hospital bed -- Sonya couldn't finish the sentence. Tears streaked her face.

“It’s okay, Sonya. I know I'm paralyzed; I've come to terms with that."

“And yet you think it was all worth it?”

“Yes. A little girl was given her freedom, and justice the day I was shot. I wish things had ended differently, but I am glad the little girl knows there is justice in the world.”

The difference is I lie for a reason.

I could not allow myself to dwell on this thought. The lies were necessary. They were part of being a cop. They were part of the job.

When you go undercover, you become someone else. My cover was blown that night. Somebody had read through the lies and that had nearly gotten me killed.

But the little girl survived.

I cannot allow myself too much time to grieve. I know I am still marked. Someone wants me dead: that bullet was meant to kill, not merely wound.

The shooter is behind bars, but there are others out there. Watching. Waiting.

I will be released from the hospital soon. I know the danger is still out there, but I worry more about my family than I do myself.

I know what I signed up for when I accepted that badge. But I fear my family is in danger. And Sophie won't leave my side for too long. I am grateful for my sister, of course, but worry, just the same.

Am I putting her in danger?

The difference is I lie for a reason, I lie about who I am, about what I do, because if I told anyone the truth I would put them in great danger. I tried to push my family away for that very reason but I cannot push Sonya away. She has this uncanny ability to know exactly when I am in trouble, some kind of sisterly connection.

She calls it a connection with the man upstairs.

Right now I wish I had her faith. Mine has been sorely tested because of all I've seen. It's enough to shake anyone's belief. Children being raped and murdered. Abused. People killing each other over trivial things. The rage I see every day. The outright disobedience.

Not in some third world country, but here, in our own backyard.