What have I dreamt? High school vs no school now.

I'm 30 years old and I just dreamt about high school. Many people dream nightmares about college long after they're done but who dreams about high school at 30? Maybe it's the fact that I am underemployed, don't have a day job, and am running a business that's not getting much business these days that's waking me up to a reality quite different from my high school days.

In high school, I didn't think about the future. Now, all I do is think about the future since the present can be somewhat depressing. I voted for Bernie Sanders but now want Hillary to win. We need concessions like at a high school sporting event. I did everything in high school without the use of any caffeine. I woke up at 6 or 6:30 am each day after falling asleep around 11 or 12 with no insomnia after a hard afternoon practice at gymnastics.

I miss high school. Those were the best 4 years of my life. I had sports, music, tv, writing, reading, competitions, friends at least in school, and wasn't bored as much as I am today. I didn't do drugs or party. I was sane. I had a future or so I thought and I was good at things compared to others.

I laughed too loud. I still do just not as frequently. I even got written up by a black female bus driver for having a flirtatious laugh. I just talked to the Dean while he ate some poor kid's McDonalds lunch about gymnastics and being on the honor roll. I think people take school for granted and I didn't but I still miss it. You wake up with a purpose. As an adult, holding down a job is not the same. There's stress everywhere and falling asleep is harder when you're less physically active. Sales was so stressful I'd cry when I got home with 0 sales for the third day in a row. You can fall asleep at school but not at work especially on the phone or talking with someone in person.

You don't have to catch a bus in the morning but you need to be alert and on your A game as an adult but my adult world seems to have somehow gotten adulterated. I am on hiatus. I am searching for the next big thing and I am recuperating. I am sick and I realize that. I sleep an inordinate amount. I woke up at 9:20am this morning and that was early.

I'd love a part time job but I'm starting to get the winter blues with all the rain and gloom now. I'd like to contribute more than just cleaning the house and taking the dog out but I enjoy the free time to write, draw, play music, sing, and dance. I just need a little more structure to my life and a mentor like I had in high school and damn do I miss gymnastics and dream of doing something my body can't anymore.

It'd be nice to be somebody else for a day but my life is pretty good I just have to be better about appreciating it. I can't go back to being straight edge. I can't stop the nicotine cravings except temporarily. I can't sleep without Lunesta and I definitely can't wake up at 6am but I can try to mitigate the pain from my disability and live a semi-fulfilled life.

I have things to look forward to and I should remember that. We all should remember that.