The Return of the Coconut

Statistically speaking, I’m more than halfway through life. Which is my excuse for the excitement I felt to wake up early on a Saturday morning to bake coconut cherry almond breakfast bars.

A couple days prior, I purchased a coconut for the first time. As I fancy myself a badass in the kitchen after being a Blue Apron subscriber for a couple months last summer, I dreamed of culinary greatness.

But let’s let my weekend self tell you the story.

Saturday, 5:50 a.m.: I pull up a YouTube tutorial on how to crack a coconut shell. The lady assures me I’m about to learn her grandmother’s secret technique. I want to put my finger to her lips and say, “Sssshhhh…no more lies. Get on with it!”

5:57: Hammer in my right hand, coconut in my left, I start pounding away. Screw the upstairs neighbor. He had the bass pounding until midnight, and I smile at the thought of him startling awake with a massive hangover because of my breakfast endeavor.

6:00: Success! I peel apart the cracked shell carefully, holding it above a bowl to ensure I don’t waste any coconut milk.
Something is wrong. I don’t smell the sweet coconut aroma as promised by the lady in the video. It smells musty and arid, much like it must have smelled to break into the tomb of King Tut after it was closed off for so long, except on a much smaller scale.

I’ve basically cracked into the dried-up uterus of a mummy.

Instead of the smooth, pearl-like coconut meat as promised in the video, it’s an off-white atrocity riddled with holes and bruises. I expected the face of a Noxzema model, not that of a meth addict.

6:04: (Brainstorm session on the throne.)

6:10: I only need half a cup of coconut meat for the recipe. Some of it must be edible. Let’s give it a try.
Oh my. That’s not good. It’s like eating a kitchen sponge that hasn’t been used in eight hours: dry but squishy and dank.

6:17: Is this what hell is like? A place where a rotten coconut ruins a perfect morning full of promise? I guess I could make my breakfast bars without the coconut, but the excitement and desire are gone.
I’ll return for a refund later. It was only $3.99, but it’ll pay for a happy hour beer this afternoon. I owe it to myself after this bummer of a morning.

2:30 p.m.: I’m in line at the customer service station. The customer service associate is helping a young man with fistfuls of twenties, and directly in front of me is an older lady looking to return a toaster. I’m last in line. The second person behind the counter, she looks like a supervisor, is fiddling around on a computer with her back to us. I hope she’s doing something important.

2:35: “What can I do for you today?” asks Janice, the customer service associate.

“Returning a coconut. I don’t have a receipt, but here’s my card. Should be $3.99.”

“Okay, not a problem.” She looks up my information. “Do you have the code?”

“I don’t, I threw all that stuff away…”.

“Do you have a penny?”

“Of course not, that’d be too convenient!”

“No worries, I got you covered.”

Janice punches some information into the computer. She’s so nice!

2:38: “I can’t find this in our system,” she says. “Shelly?”

Shelly, the supervisor, shuffles over.

“Did you try looking up by the code?” Shelly asks.

“We don’t have that handy.”

Shelly speaks into her supervisory headset, “Can I get someone near produce to get me the code for the coconuts?”
Pause. “Yes, we sell coconuts.”

2:40: Shelly writes down four numbers the produce person just told her.

“Is that right?” Janice asks.

Cocksure, Shelly says, “Yeah, that will work.”

“It’s not working,” says Janice.

“Try it again,” Shelly says.

“Still nothing.”

“I’m so sorry for all this,” I say.

“It’s no big deal,” says Shelly.

2:42: “Try putting eight zeros in front that,” Shelly tells Janice.

Still no success.

On her headset, “So the number you gave us isn’t working. There has to be another one on the tag that works…. You’re where now? Yes, I need you back in produce to get me the right number for the coconut.”

2:43: I feel silly. At least there’s nobody in line behind me…oh, no no no no no no no this isn’t happening. How are seven people in line now!?

This is my worst fucking nightmare. This is what hell is like.

I’m THAT guy. The penny-pinching fool holding up the line for an insignificant reason. My face is so warm now…okay, deep breath….

This is not worth it. Three store associates are on the case of the spoiled $3.99 coconut. How much money is this costing the store? Not only that, what about the time value of the people in line? No doubt they’re irritated and judging me, because for sure if I’m still in line I’m irritated and judging the guy returning a coconut.

Don’t forget about the coconut’s journey here. It was born, harvested, packaged, shipped, repackaged, distributed…who knows how long all this took and the expense associated with it. And there’s my decision to take the time and effort to get here so I can hold up this line of good people who no doubt have bigger customer service needs than me.

“Not really worth the $3.99…” I say, feeling the heat in my armpits.

“Oh, it’s fine,” says Janice.

2:44: “Okay, well none of what you’ve given us has worked. Just bring one of the coconuts to us,” Shelly says into her headset.

2:46: There are nine people waiting now. Thankfully the produce associate just arrived with a coconut.

Janice scans the tag.

“Alrighty, looks like $2.99.”

“2.99?”

“Yup, here you go.”

God DAMMIT!

I wouldn’t be here for $2.99!

What does it say about me that $3.99 is worth the trip to return an item, but $2.99 isn’t?
I pray nobody in line heard how much I got back.

“Thank you so much for all your time on this,” I tell them.

Shelly holds the coconut out to me. “Want this? On the house.”

“Sure, thank you!”

I’ve literally been handed a second chance at the breakfast that never was!

I feel lucky.

2:48: I buy $3 worth of lottery tickets. The Universe will no doubt reward me after what I’ve just been through.

Sunday, 6:30 a.m: Hammer in my right hand, coconut in the left, it’s time to finally make these breakfast bars! I’m a pro at this coconut cracking business now.

6:31: God DAMMIT! Nothing but the barren womb of a mummy….

(Update: I now know how to shop for a coconut to make sure it isn't rotten...so win I guess....)