Why I Tense When you Love Me (Trigger Warning)

A woman from my hometown was killed by her estranged husband. He also killed her new partner and himself. I wrote this based on my feelings from the situation.

Why I tense when you love me.

I'm clumsy.
Walked into a wall.
The dog got a bit aggressive.
It was just an accident....

Lies I tell myself and you... No really. I'm okay. No it's nothing. I can tell, that you can tell, I'm lying. But you don't say anything either.

Marks up my arm and down the opposite leg. A black eye behind sunglasses. It hurts when I breathe, a broken rib I think, but I can't risk another hospital visit....

I tense when you love me. Not because of anything you've done. But what I've had in the past. All the secrets that you never knew. Never guessed. Never would even let cross your mind. Because in your mind, who could hurt me. The person who kissed your son goodnight. I don't raise my voice, I can't even kill the ants that are invading the kitchen....so how could anyone even think to raise a hand to me.

I tense when you love me. And even though I ran from him. I guess I didn't run far enough. Your love and protection blanketed my wounds, but his rage was too sharp a force. You painted pictures in my mind of what our life could be. But he came in, his hurricane of abuse tormenting what I tried to force into a normal happy mold.

I tense when you love me. You are the complete opposite of him. I knew he was dangerous. But no one ever believed me. The cops glanced from my busted lip to the broken handle on the window. They say, "well....that one time you invited him in." They give him this pass, this excuse to break into our new home. Our safe place. They cloak him with a shadow of doubt and let him go. It can't be a crime because of what I did or said back when I still tried to protect the abuser who said he loved me. Because I took the vows of love and a life together seriously, but he seemed to only believe in till death do we part.

He killed you. He took you from me and then me from this place. Your son will never know the wonderful person you were. He will never know the love you had flowing through your veins to him and me. How you would cover us and ease any pain this world shed our way. Even when I didn't think I deserved you. You said you deserved me.