Shattering Humanity's Communication-Trauma of The Masculine & Feminine | Pt.2 - Acid Tales Of Resisting The Female - A Back Story

Ever since the age of 14 or so, I have loved and been infactuated by women. And though I always wanted to have them as integral part of my path, I have missed them for many years, at times consciously choosing to bar them from my life, maybe because of past experiences in terms of clinginess and relationship demands to me or simply because of fear about overcommitting to someone I don't share enough similarities in mindset with.

But it really dawned on me years ago that this non-communication-with-women-situation really couldn't go on much longer. I hated it, and they hated it. It felt diametrically opposed to what I felt was needed and I experienced many many times where I chose fear instead of love when a high vibing woman crossed my path - especially on dancefloors.

I often found myself dancing with a smile and closed eyes, and when I opened them after an hour I literally found myself surrounded by stunning women who were all enjoying themselves being in my presence. And why wouldn't they, right? ;)

Maybe they did because I kept my energy to myself (attention & focus), because I stuck to myself and didn't hijack the floor for flirting attempts or maybe just because I gave it my all in dancing myself mindless into a flow state - for me and for noone else in particular.

But then always came the point where I really didn't know how to go from there. I felt it was time for some more elaborate and direct communication with them but how to even go about it from dancing in each other's presence not saying a word, unsure whether the feelings and ideas we get can be trusted at all.

It's like I wanna meet you and we dance for hours, glancing at each other at times, smiling, and - especially on LSD - unmistakably feeling each other's presence or even great (sexual) resonance but not finding the ease to make it happen.

And still I would not know how to approach these women in a more graphic way, a more confirming and affirming way. And it pained me to no end. I had two dozen experiences or so where we danced the whole night and all she really expected from me is to finally give it a bit more, to dare to bridge the gap to her that had so amazingly become clear through our shared dancing experience and our yet unuttered verbal exchange with a smile.

Give her a sign, let her know I get it and I want it to happen, somehow, ANYTHING!!!

But I rarely did, and mere minutes after she left I felt the pain stronger than ever. I did her a disservice. No (self-)judgment here just a plain and simple realization of my unwillingness to take a (factually nonexistent) risk for both of our sake. Again and again. Being scared of the thing I want most - a true connection to a marvellously magnetic human being of the other sex doing what I love doing: dancing on a good psy floor with aware people.

If you want to hear one of these stories that come to mind in detail you may want to read up on my experiences at S.U.N. festival 2013, which I have already written about here

On acid I had it happen often that these women were literally puzzled our even outraged that this man who had danced with them so passionately, the dude who they were drawn to for so many hours, who they at times offered themselves to in such a drastic public display that their "reputation" could barely get away with... would just not choose to take them up on it.

I must have said no to like 30 stunning women the last 7 years and not because I didn't want to get to know them, by god I did... but because I felt scared and saw no way to overcome that fear despite all my shallow attempts at making the problem not seem like a problem. It was a problem, believe you me. Scared of them, what they stood for, what it would mean for my freedom, my choices and my own lifepath.

Talk about a mind-hangup huh?

I will never forget that one situation in particular. It was one of those times where I had actually moved past the stage of initial hesitation and fear and it actually turned out to be rather interesting and... awesome. But then I felt it all shift the moment we walked back from the mainfloor after the closing set, because I felt something shift in her and I was scared...

Not sure whether it was the mind-born movie of imagining her expectations or whether it had to do with sexual hangups, fear of not performing or maybe just fear of things working out that hadn't worked out for a long time.

All I knew is "IT IS ON" ,and all I wanted to do is run. Which puzzled her to no end, and especially the acid'y looking barkeeper where we went to order Chai while that shift in energy was going on. He just looked at me stunned like: "Hey man, you *DO KNOW THERE IS A STUNNING WOMAN NEXT TO YOU TOTALLY INFACTUATED BY YOU? YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?!"

Pure Acid moment.

The dude really was a human being and not a dog, but I just found the look too similar soooo, something like this would come close. "Come on dude!"

All he did was glance at me with eyes saying it but I knew that is what he thought And he was right too. I felt soooooooooo small in that moment it was actually quite hilarious, if not for the pain of knowing I was choosing fear. Ahahaha.

So how then to bridge this gap? How do we overcome our hesitation, and is it even justified?

For me it started with the realization that by not communicating and daring to allow a more profound connection, I am doing her a disservice. Anyone can feel it, especially her and me, but also all the people around. On acid it literally feels like a giant roadblock with flashy signs that can not be overlooked, even from far away.

Daring to say hi after i know she likes me is doing us both a favor. Not saying hi despite all her attempts at making me do so is not only a self-denial of love but also weighs heavy on the conscious field because it doesn't exactly communicate trust and ease of being. IT ends up feeding her own insecurities about herself, even if she is the most awesome woman to walk the Earth and it will leave us all feeling empty and regretful wondering what could have been.

This is getting too long, but it's been wanting to get out for a while. And before we go any further I wanted you to be familiar with some of my experiences that made this path so amazingly exciting and challenging.

It feels like I am slowly getting the upper hand in the battle against myself, learning to love myself and being able to radiate and translate that out into a form of energy that women can appreciate... if that makes any sense.

To be continued...

Read up on part 1 of this series here

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