Admiral Moriarty in his submarine

Here is the next part of my Zen series...

The submarine had sprung a leak and all hands were called to attention. “Surface now,” growled Admiral Moriarty to anyone who would listen.

Until this moment everyone had been partying with the ghosts down in the torpedo room and so didn’t hear any commands as they were all too drunk. The leak was getting bigger, as all untended leaks do, the rust falling away with the pressure forcing the water in.

Admiral Moriarty took a gulp of rum and pondered what to do next.

Nancy Alice the gay fairy, unattended at that moment, noticed the leak and screamed: “we’re all going to drown.” Everyone looked at her, and then went back to what they were doing; she was also a drama queen renowned for her outpouring and so no more notice was taken of her. She looked at Admiral Moriarty and said: “what are we going to do Captain Admiral Sir?”

“Break out the buckets,” shouted Admiral Moriarty. “All hands to the buckets.” And then he fell over dead drunk and snored on the torpedo room floor.

Nancy Alice grabbed a bucket and began bailing by herself hoping some of the others would sober up soon and come and help her.

In the wireless room, Zen, who had heard the call for all hands to break out the buckets to catch the water through the leaking hole into the submarine, was trying to get a message out but all she could say was; “help,” and then she began to shiver uncontrollably as the freezing ocean water rose up her body.

THE ALIENS

The aliens from another story who had been drafted into this one for good measure began to sing: “there once was a man from Kentucky, who fancied he’d get lucky, so he asked the girl for her hand and offered her a rubber band, but she was from Missoula and needed more for her hand than a rubber band...yadda, yadda, yadda,” sang the aliens who were so busy singing they didn’t hear the little squeak for help from the wireless.

Their spaceship was drifting under the surface and bumped into the submarine that was also drifting under the surface of the ocean and belonged to Admiral Moriarty; but it was only a small bump and so went without comment, but it did plug the leak in the submarine that was sinking it and so gave everyone time to find out what was going on.

A shoal of sardines swam by and played hide and seek around the two underwater vessels for awhile, then they became bored with that and so swam off somewhere else leaving the two whale-like things kissing and drifting in the ocean deep.

CQ THE MERMAID

Somewhere around the equator and far removed from any sense this story could ever make was a huge sinkhole opening up and swallowing everything faster and faster into it. Round and round went the world and it grew smaller and the sinkhole grew bigger until with a POP the world flew out the other side and became the world again.

The rusty sinkhole collapsed in upon itself and was never seen again, except for bits of rust floating in the ocean that became attached to anything that came near.

CQ the mermaid swimming around with her wireless was having a hard time of it, what with all the rust and empty beer bottles bumping into her that were coming from a submarine attached to a spacecraft.

“What a strange pair,” said CQ the mermaid to herself as she swam near wondering what they were doing here far out in the ocean.

NANCY ALICE TAKES CONTROL

Captain Admiral Moriarty woke up with a groan on the floor of his submarine surrounded by feathers; the angels had been extremely busy trying to wake him put from his drunken stupor.

The rest of his crew had woken up from their stupors and were bailing out the sea water that was coming from a large hole in the torpedo room wall.

The aliens in their space craft, who had previously blocked the hole and so sealed the leak, had now left for outer space and so the water had come in again. The crew were holding their own for the moment forming a long line with buckets all the way to the bilges where they were putting the water for the time being.

“What’s going on?” asked Captain Admiral Moriarty holding his aching head in his hands.

Nancy Alice, who was not his girl friend, spoke up: “The boat has a small leak captain admiral, but all’s well. Me and the lads are bailing it out.”

Captain Admiral Moriarty looked at them all huffing and puffing and soaking wet and decided to leave them all to it and so went to his cabin for a headache pill.

A STRANGE PART OF THE CITY

As I was walking through a strange part of the city and going home, something strange happened. From out of the crowds I saw a familiar face coming towards me and when he saw me his face fell open right in front of me, and out fell a happenstance that bounced along for awhile in the hot sun of a most peculiar day as I was walking back to my rented house carrying some coffee and a bagel. So it was somewhat surprising, as you can imagine for me to find one of my characters from one of my stories right in front of me larger than life.

“George!” I said, through a mouth full of questions.

George is a dwarf who pops up throughout my novels and is usually companion to Kelek the big adventurer.

I looked around quickly to see if Kelek was there too.

“How do you do?” said George, speaking gentlemanly, which was out of character for him.

“I was just coming to see you,” he said.

“Really?” I said.

“We need to talk,” he said.

I didn't know what to say. Too many things were whirling around in my mind.

“Come with me,” I said, making up my mind to get to the bottom of this.

We walked back to my house in silence, each of us lost in our own thoughts.

I let George in through the front door then showed him the living room.

“Sit here if you will,” I said.

“Sure,” he said, in an American accent, sitting down on the sofa.

I couldn't remember where he came from, but I was sure it wasn't from the USA. I would have to look at my notes when I had a chance.
“Would you like some coffee?” I asked.

“Three sugars,” he replied.

I went to make it in the kitchen and left him to get comfortable.
“Are you hungry?” I called through to him.

“Just coffee is fine,” he called back.

‘Good,’ I thought, I wouldn't have to share my bagel with him.

The last thing I remember about George is that I killed him off with the rest of the gang by drowning them all in the ocean, and now here he was in my house seemingly without a care in the world. I took the coffee through into the living room and set it down on the table.

“So what's going on George?” I said, sitting down on the easy chair on the other side of the table from him. He waited for me to unwrap my bagel and begin eating before he answered.

“Why did you kill us all off?” he asked.

I hate talking while I'm eating so I didn't answer him until I had finished and was licking the cream cheese from my fingers. This gave me time to think of the best answer for him.

He sat there patiently waiting for me to finish; this also was peculiar for George, to be so patient. I took a sip of coffee.
“No reason,” I said. “I just wanted to see what would happen after you were all dead.”

“Oh,” he said, looking down at his coffee.
“But you're not dead you know,” I said, watching him closely.

“I'm not?” he said, surprised.

“No, not at all George. I seem to remember that you were locked in the trunk on the row boat and after the wave came that drowned everyone else, you floated away in the trunk and washed up on the shore. The trunk fell apart and you found your way here somehow.”
I breathed an inner sigh of relief after thinking quickly enough to find this answer.

“So you killed off Kelek who is my best pal?” he said with some anger beginning to build.

“Right now Kelek and his gang are in the bowels of the submarine that came up and picked up all the dead bodies from the ocean, and he's having a whale of a time being dead and dancing with Zen,” I said, hoping he would buy it. “And soon they are going to haunt the crew in the submarine.”

“Why am I not dead with the rest of the gang and having fun with them?” said George, his anger slightly less, curious now.

“Well first of all you're alive and you can't really haunt if you are alive, and secondly I have a job for you,” I said, relieved it had got this far so easily.

“A job?” said George, his mouth open.

“Well, a commission really. If you're interested?”

“What kind of commission? He said, perking up nicely.
I had his full attention now.
“I want you to save them all.”

“Save them all? How? They're all dead,” he exclaimed incredulously.

“I want you to become a necromancer and bring them all back from the dead,” I said.

“But how?” he said.

“Google it. Use my lap top, it's in the study,” I said.

“You can't be serious,” he said.

“Oh but I am.”

“What's a necromancer anyway?” he asked.

“No idea, but I saw one once on TV who was doing things,” I said.

“What kind of things?” he asked.

“Strange things to do with the soul,” I replied.

“I don't know anything about that,” he said.

“Just give it a go will you, there's a good chap?”

“Alright boss,” said George well and truly hooked.

George went off to the study with a dubious look on his face, and I sat and drank my coffee. After a while I looked into the chasm of where George had to go to be a necromancer and found you had to have a fatalistic outlook, and so I decided it was too close to home, at any rate, it was too far down for me. So I left him to it and began my after coffee nap.

I woke up after 20 minutes, or so it seemed, and felt like the sausage maid's fancy, whatever that means, too strange for me. I heard George mumbling from the study.
“How are you doing George?” I called out to him.

“Shh,” he said, “I'm casting a spell.”

I decided to go do some weeding in the garden. Maybe I stood up too fast because all of a sudden the room was whirling and I lost my balance and was falling towards the coffee table very fast. Then I blacked out. The next thing I knew was someone slapping my face.

“Wake up, wake up,” said the voice of George.

“What happened?” I said, as my eyes focused and found George leaning over me looking a little concerned.

“You fell over and blacked out,” he said, rather unnecessarily.

“Why is the floor throbbing?” I asked.

“Because we're on the submarine,” he said, pulling me to my feet.

“What? How?”

“I spelled us here,” he said.

“Oh, you spelled us here. Does that mean what I think it does?” I said, wobbling on the moving floor.

“It sure does,” he said. “It was all there on Google as you said it would be. I'm now a fully fledged, paid up, got the t shirt necromancer,” said George happily, grinning right at me proudly.

“My God George, that's wonderful,” I said, slapping him heartily on the back. “But why bring me here?”

“I want you to tell Kelek to get a better compass. We've been going round in circles for a very long time now and he won't listen to anyone,” said George.

“Why would he listen to me?” I said.

“But he has to listen to you, you're the boss,” said George, looking up at me expectantly.

“I'll see what I can do,” I said, looking around to see where we were.

George had transported us to one of the passageways of the submarine and not far from a closed bulkhead door that I was hoping was the way to the command centre. The atmosphere felt damp, and didn't smell all that good and the cloying smell of tobacco was beginning to bother me.

The lights were dim, no one else but me and George here. It felt like we were the only ones around, but I knew that wasn't so, for down in the bowels, or the torpedo room for those in the know, were the dancing dead kicking up a fuss, and in the control room was admiral Moriarty giving orders and such, which brought about a dilemma: what would happen when a second Moriarty appeared? Maybe I will have to be his long lost twin or something. I'll have to ride with this one to see what happens.

“Right then George, you go see Kelek in the bowels and I'll see you later,” I said, hoping to get rid of him somewhere now that he had served his purpose.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“I'm going through this door here,” I said. “See you later.”

And off we went in different directions. George clumped off to the bowels and I turned the unlocking wheel of the door.
“But wait a minute. Wait just a minute. What is behind this door? Why have I really been brought here? Well, esoteric questions aside, perhaps I should just open the door and find out.

I pulled the heavy door towards me and looked to the other side, but it was too dark to see anything. Maybe they've all gone to bed I thought. I stepped through to the other side and closed the door and turned the wheel to lock it. Then it really was dark.

“Hello?”
Silence.
“Hmm.”

Slowly I edged along into the darkness, all senses very alert. Maybe they've all been eaten. Maybe the undead have raged through the submarine and there's no one left but me and George. Or maybe this is some trick George is playing and I'm not really on a submarine. He is a necromancer now so he could be anywhere.

Well I should know: I am the author of this story, and if I was to wake up right now straight out of this story to find myself sitting at the controls of a jet airliner just coming in to land, well, that would be a thing, wouldn't it?

Well I wrote myself in so I can write myself out.

In the pitch black, as I am edging along, I touch something soft with my knee. Good, I've found my bed. As I get into bed and prepare for sleep, I remember I really should get a nightlight to make these nightly trips to the bathroom easier.

THE PEARLY GATES

Zen, who had been seconded to this story previously had finally succumbed to the freezing sea water in the radio room and died and gone to heaven to bang on the pearly gates and kick up a fuss as was her way. Nothing happened so she sat down to wait it out.

Down in the submarine the sea water finally won and filled the submarine to overflowing up to the top and as there was no longer any air to breathe the whole crew died too and ascended up to heaven to join Zen who was fast asleep by then on the grass outside the pearly gates.

The crew flopped down beside her and one by one fell sound asleep too.

The submarine fell to the bottom of the ocean and settled there.

Captain Admiral Moriarty was in his cabin with the water-tight door closed and so was ok for while the air lasted. He was nursing his hangover and didn’t know the submarine had had its chips and was sunk. A few final bubbles came from the submarine and drifted to the surface where CQ the mermaid was drifting around with her wireless...

THE CHINESE SARDINE

The bubbles coming from the deep tickled the nose of CQ the mermaid and made her sneeze, and because she was so inquisitive she decided to swim down and see where they came from.

Down and down she swam, lugging her wireless behind her on a string. A Chinese sardine followed her all the way down hoping for a hand-out, holding its hands in supplication. “Bugger off,” said CQ to the sardine who then swam away all crestfallen and sorry looking.

Then CQ found the submarine sunk on the bottom of the ocean with a big hole in it where the bubbles were coming from. She swam into the hole but her wireless jammed and wouldn’t go through so she left it there for the moment and went looking to see if she could find someone.

She swam here and she swam there but couldn’t find anyone left alive at all to talk to. In the engine room was a big red lever and a sign on it that said: Pump. So she pulled the lever and waited to see what would happen.

THE ARTIFICIAL ARMS DEALER

In another story, three stories removed from this one, the artificial arms dealer was crawling through the desert on his hands and knees dragging a sign behind him in the sand.

He’d been given a bad map by some giggling girls at the oasis of dreams a long ways back, and quite why they would do such a thing he was long past trying to figure out. A millennia of such girls had been doing just this as the arms dealer crawled through the bones of those who had made it this far then died, and he felt he was on his way to the big all being end of it all too.

He crawled on with his strength failing fast until he bumped into something hard and unyielding. On raising his head he discovered it was the periscope of a submarine which swivelled around to look at him. It seemed to be saying something to him and when he looked around he spied a box...

HOLDING THE BREATH FOREVER

It was a box poking out of the sand.
“Maybe it’s a box of water,” he thought with his last few gasping breaths in the desert.

Somehow he managed to unearth it from the sand and found it to be a clockwork wireless, so he wound it up by the hand crank and it began to crackle. With his last breath he said: “Help!” Then he passed away and went up to heaven and joined some others there who were fast asleep on the grass outside the pearly gates that were closed shut. So he went to sleep too and that was that: the end of the of the artificial arms dealer.

Down in the submarine, CQ the mermaid had been looking through the periscope and had seen a lot of sand which should not have been there, and a wild looking man who stared back at her so she told him to go to the wireless and call for help, which he was doing until he fell over dead in the sand. CQ was wondering what to do next. She decided to go search the submarine once more just to be sure there were no more deathless Charlies in their reducing karma constructing the constitution of their unfolding.

End of this part for now.

https://steemit.com/zen/@wales/the-dead-have-more-fun

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